“What’s up?” Millsy heads to my fridge.
“I went home to Sarnia for a couple of days.”
“Oh yeah?” He grabs a beer and pops the top off. “How are your folks?”
“They’re doing okay. There haven’t been any more threats.” I roll my eyes.
“That’s good. That is so shitty.”
“Right?”
Hellsy walks in. “Hello, gentlemen. What’s going down?”
I tell him about my visit, too, offering him a beer. “How was the road trip?”
“We kicked ass,” Hellsy says, stretching out in a chair. “Two wins.”
“Yeah. I watched. Gunner was fanfuckingtastic.”
“No shit.”
“You guys don’t even need me,” I say.
“Fuck yeah, we do.”
I laugh. I’m sort of joking, sort of not. It’s been great to see the team come together and pull off wins even though I’m not playing. It did give me a sharp reminder that I’m replaceable. But that’s okay. Because now I know that even without hockey, I’m worth something. Helping those kids has made me feel more worthy and effective than I think I ever have.
We yammer about the games until Morrie shows up. He’s carrying a glossy shopping bag and pulls out a box to show us his purchase.
“Versace?” I stare at the shoes. “Seriously? Versace sneakers?”
“Aren’t they sick?” He admires them.
“Don’t tell me how much.” Hellsy holds up a hand.
“Eleven hundred bucks.”
“Shit!”
“Come on, admit it. You want them.”
When the bullshit settles down, Morrie says, “So, who called this meeting?”
“I did.” I take a deep breath. “I need to talk to you guys.”
To their credit, they don’t give me shit about this.
“I went to see my parents so I could talk to them about my brother.”
They don’t even look a little surprised about this. Assholes.
“You were right. Talking about this stuff is hard.” I rub my forehead.
“It is,” Hellsy quietly agrees.
“I’ve tried not to think about Eric since he died,” I tell them. “When I did think about him, I was mostly resentful. Or bitter. I thought of ways for me to not be like him. To take care of myself. Eat healthy, work out, play the best I can. To not let anything interfere with hockey.”
They all nod. Morrie takes a pull of his beer.
“Which means I’ve never really gotten over losing him. Maybe I never will.” I stop as my throat chokes up. After a long, slow breath, I go on. “I never let myself feel sad. I never let myself feel the pain of his loss. I never let myself accept what happened and move on. Because I was stuck in anger.”
“It’s hard, man,” Millsy says in a low voice.
I nod. “And I was stuck in fear. Fear of being like him. So I worked even harder.”
“You’re not like him,” Hellsy says firmly.
My smile is twisted. “I am in some ways. But I got fixated on that.” I drag in another deep breath. “Emerie told me she loves me.”
With sober expressions, they watch me.
“You don’t love her?” Morrie asks.
I close my eyes. “I do. Fuck. I want her more than anything I’ve ever wanted. But I fucked it up. I didn’t think she could love me because I wasn’t perfect. And I thought I didn’t have room in my life for her. So I broke up with her.”
“We told you before…nobody’s perfect.”
“Yeah. I’m not. And I’m not any better than Eric just because I’ve succeeded. He had a disease that he couldn’t fight any longer. I need to accept that. I need to get over that.”
“So tell her that.”
“Jesus.” I swipe a hand over my brow. “And I thought this was hard.”
Morrie grins. “Right? Laying your beating heart in front of a woman for her to stomp on it is pretty fucking scary.”
“We’ve all been there,” Millsy says fervently. “But you know what? It is so worth it. My mom told me—and this is from a woman who lost her husband and her son in one night and couldn’t cope—that loving someone is worth the risk. For her to say that made me believe. And she was right.”
I know how happy he is with Lilly. And the other two guys are happy in love too.
“Thank you.” I lift my chin. “Thanks for the straight talk that day you came over. And thanks for this.”
“Group hug?” Morrie asks.
“Nah, man, I’m good,” Hellsy says.
“Okay,” Morrie says. “What are you going to do? To get Emerie back.”
“I don’t know.”
“An apology is always good. Some good grovel.”
“Dress up as the Bears’ mascot,” Millsy says with a smirk in Morrie’s direction.
I’ve heard that story, and it’s epic. “I’m not going to do that. But yeah, I need to apologize for how I screwed up. I need to show her how much I love her.”
“Okay.” Morrie leans forward. “We’re here for you, bro. Let’s brainstorm.”
* * *
EMERIE
* * *
Cat wants to go to another hockey game. I consider calling Vince and trying to convince him to take her to the game with him, but he’s always busy doing deals and networking while he’s there, so I don’t bother. I try to tell Cat I don’t feel like going, but she’s really insistent that she wants to see this game.
It’s the second game of the playoffs. The team really pulled together without Owen and locked up a playoff spot. This is the last game of Owen’s suspension. They’ll be so glad to have him back. He’ll be glad to play again.
We go up to Vince’s box. He’s not there yet, so I get Cat popcorn and a drink and a Coke for myself. I’m not sure what to expect from Vince after the last time.
The intensity of a playoff game is hiked way up. The atmosphere in the building is electric. Even I feel the increased pressure, the buzz of excitement. Vince arrives after puck drop, nods to us, and takes a seat. He brings a couple of other men with him—Roman’s dad, who is one of Vince’s business partners, and another man I’ve never met. Vince introduces him as an “investor.”
The first period ends with the score tied one-all. I sit back in my seat and laugh. “I’m exhausted. I can’t imagine how the players feel.”
The other two guys leave to go mingle or something and Vince pulls out his phone.
I look at Cat. “Want another drink?”
“Sure.”
We stand just as Owen walks in.
All the breath leaves my lungs. As usual, just seeing him makes my knees weak and wobbly. My heart thuds hard against my breastbone.
“Hi,” he says, fixing his gaze on my face.
“Hi.”
There’s an intensity in his eyes I haven’t seen since…maybe in Aruba? Or maybe on the ice. But also…vulnerability.
He’s focused on me. Then he glances at Cat. “Hey, Kitty. Want to meet Kevin Beaven?”