I turn, lift my eyes to hers, witnessing the heartache in her smile. “I should’ve said something,” I admit.
“You should’ve.” She nods. “And I can’t promise you that there won’t be a time when I might want to take off for a few days. I enjoy traveling.”
“I don’t want you to feel trapped here,” I’m quick to say.
“Holden, I’ve never felt freer than when I’m here, with you. And if and/or when I have that urge again, hopefully, you can join me.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, you idiot.”
My smile is stupid. “Maybe we can do a quick trip next weekend. Can you find somewhere?”
Jamie’s grin matches mine. “I know the perfect place…”
38
Jamie
“I don’t think you realize how sexy you are right now,” I say, tugging at the bottom of Holden’s shirt.
“Huh?” He’s too busy focused on the market’s parking lot entrance, looking for Mia’s car.
“You’re so excited to see Benny; you’re practically shaking,” I laugh out.
He glowers down at me. “Are you teasing me?”
Before I can respond, he pushes me aside, shouting, “They’re here!” He jogs toward a truck that’s just pulled into the lot, and I slowly follow behind, watching Holden bang on the rear back window until the car comes to a stop. He opens the door, and I can hear Mia yelling, “What the heck are you doing?” A moment later, Holden pulls Benny from the back seat and says something I can’t quite make out. He closes the door, stands the little boy in front of him, and watches the truck take off slowly. Then he yells out to me, “Just give us a minute!”
I stop in the middle of the lot, confusion mixed with anxiety swarming through my veins.
To be honest, I’d been a nervous wreck at the thought of seeing Mia again, especially since I have no idea how she feels about me. The last time we spoke was almost five years ago, and she did all the talking—all the praising of the boy I loved for loving her more. It was easy to understand Holden’s decisions back then and even easier for me to forgive him.
Mia’s truck, driven by a guy I assume is her husband, parks right beside me, and she opens her door, saying, “I swear, that boy’s crazy.”
I look back at Holden and his nephew, just as the little boy pretends to zip his mouth shut. Holden nods, and they pinky swear, and then Benny’s jumping on Holden’s back like I’ve often done. They make their way toward us while Mia gets out of the car and says, “Jamie!”
I face her, and, for the life of me, I cannot speak.
Cannot breathe.
For years I’ve been jealous of the girl standing in front of me. Not because she’s incredibly beautiful or even because Holden once chose her over me. It’s because she’s everything that I’m not, and suddenly, I’m seventeen again, standing at the doors of my high school the first day of senior year, looking over my clothes, touching my hair, making sure I’m good enough so that no one teases me.
No one judges me.
“How are you?” Mia asks. And then she smiles, and the smile is so sweet and so pure, and it pulls me from my thoughts.
“Hi, I’m good,” I respond, an awkward giggle pouring out of me—a reminder of the meltdown I was only seconds away from diving into head first.
“It’s good to see you again,” Mia says, and then she’s hugging me, and I’m hugging her back, and it’s clumsy and… nice. It’s what I hoped I would feel, but not what I expected, and it throws my already confused emotions into overdrive.
I reply, “You too, Mia.”
She squeezes me once before letting go and stepping back, her eyes right on mine when she says, “I’m glad you came back for him, Jamie.” She smiles again, but it’s filled with sadness. “He was a little lost without you.”
Besides his eyes, Mia’s husband, Leo, is the spitting image of his son. Or the other way around. I knew what Benny looked like from all the pictures of him on Holden’s fridge, but I’d never seen Leo before. He’s just as tall as Holden, just as built, and that’s basically where the comparisons end. Leo is clean-cut, blue-eyed, dark hair clipped close to his scalp, and Holden is… Holden is currently chasing little Benny Preston around with a fake turd he found at the dollar store.
Benny squeals between fits of laughter as they weave through the crowd, and Mia, walking beside me, says, “He’s so immature.”
Right on cue, Leo yells, “Ooh! Snow cones!” And then he’s off faster than I’ve ever seen anyone run.
I bust out a laugh, and a moment later, Mia joins me. I don’t know what all happened between Mia and Leo and why he wasn’t around when Benny was younger. All Holden’s told me is that it took them five years to reconnect and that it was neither of their faults. Sometimes, I lose sleep over how Holden perceives our time apart.
Holden returns carrying Benny upside down, by his feet, and says, clearly out of breath, “Dad and Mags are at the other end.”
“Put my son down!” Mia orders through a giggle.
“Yeah,” Benny shouts. “Put me down!”
Holden starts to lower him until his head almost touches the ground. “Holden,” I squeal.
Holden rolls his eyes, then flips Benny right side up and stands him between us. Face red, Benny sways on his feet, his hands out for balance. “I’m dizzy.”
“Holden!” Mia admonishes.
“Where’s Daddy?” Benny asks, looking up at Mia.
She points toward the snow cone stand, where Leo stands at the end of a long line. “He’s going to be a while, bud.”
We pass Leo, who refuses to give up on the snow cones, and make our way toward Big H and Maggie. As soon as they come into view, Benny bolts toward them, his hands out, arms spread, yelling, “Big H!” Mia runs after him while Holden takes my hand, links our fingers.
I watch Benny practically jump into Big H’s arms while Maggie ruffles his hair, and I push aside the sudden emotions clogging my throat. “Why are you so smiley?” Holden asks.
“I just love your dad and Maggie.” I shrug, turning to him. “Like, when you think about it, your dad’s put up with a lot. You and Mia, as close as you were growing up—that’s a constant reminder of your mom’s ex, now husband, walking around, and Benny… who is your nephew, also the grandson of said now husband, and your dad’s just like…” I release his hand so I can spread my arms out. “Come here and let me love you!”
Holden ponders this a moment. “I never really thought of it that way.”
“I don’t know,” I murmur, retaking his hand. “They’re just so accepting, you know?”
Holden’s silent a moment, and I wonder if he’s caught on to the fact that I’m not just talking about Benny. I’m talking about me. “Well, he kind of has to be,” Holden says. “Have you met me?”
I giggle into his arm.
“Shit, Jamie, before I met you, I was a major fuck-up.”