I watch him shovel spoonful after spoonful in his mouth, his head bopping to his imaginary music again, and with each second that passes, the vision of him gets less and less clear.
Like family.
My mom never spoke of a family besides Beaker and me. I don’t know a single thing about her parents—my grandparents—and she never mentioned siblings or cousins or… a life before Beaker. I guess it’s my fault too. I never thought to ask. Sometimes I wonder if I have grandparents who’ve been looking for me—aunts who wonder about me every day.
Heat burns behind my nose, and my throat begins to close, and before I know what’s happening, liquid yearning streaks down my cheeks.
“Aw, Jamie,” Mia whispers, and Benny’s head snaps up. I blink, and he’s out of his seat and walking toward me, and then he’s wrapping his little arms around my neck, holding me to him.
I hold him back—this sweet, innocent boy who’s loved by so many people for so many reasons, and I cry. And I don’t even know why I’m crying, because it would be so sad and pathetic if it were jealousy causing my tears… but I don’t think that’s it.
I think, deep down, I want a family of my own. People who love me for me and, as much as it pains me, I don’t think the boy I love can be the one to give me that.
Leo returns, grasping a large paper bag. “What did I miss?” he asks, somehow looking at everyone all at once.
“I was just giving Miss Jamie a recharge,” Benny says, releasing me. He doesn’t go back to his spot. Instead, he sits beside me, clinging my entire arm to his chest.
“Okay…” Leo mumbles, watching Mia wipe her eyes, before sitting down next to her. He places the paper bag on the table, then pushes it toward me. “So, my sister owns a bookstore back home, and Holden called, said you were into fairy tales…”
I open the bag and peer inside, pulling out a pile of books, all different sizes and genres. My grin is ridiculous.
“He said that Snow White’s your favorite?” Leo asks.
I look over at Holden, my smile widening at the look of pure joy on his face, and nod once.
Leo says, “The Brothers Grimm wrote the original Snow White, and it’s a lot darker than the Disney version. They also wrote Hansel and Gretel and Rumpelstiltskin and a bunch of—”
“Nerd!” Holden yells.
“Shut up!” Mia throws a snow cone at him.
Leo shakes his head, pointing to the darkest book in the pile. “I put their fairy tale collection in there.” He smiles to the side, almost sheepish. “My mom loved books, so she passed that love on to my sister and me.”
“That’s Nanna Kathy in heaven with your mama!” Benny says, hugging my arm tighter.
“Thank you,” I tell Leo.
“Don’t thank me yet. My sister threw in some romance novels, too, and they’re not my mama’s kind of romance, if you know what I mean.”
“You love the romance novels,” Mia teases.
“You love what I learn in the romance novels,” Leo states.
“Wait,” Holden butts in. “You learn stuff from romance books? What kind of...” His eyes widen as he looks between Mia and Leo. “Ahhh! Gross, bro! I don’t want—” He breaks off, pretending to gag.
A giggle pours out of me, and I tell Leo, “Let me give you some money for them.”
Leo waves a hand between us, then points to Holden. “Your boy took care of it.”
I face Holden and pinch his cheeks, giggling when he scrunches his nose. “I appreciate it,” I say, dropping my hands and kissing him quickly. “But you need to stop it with the gifts…”
“And stop seeing your face light up like this?” Holden shakes his head and reaches out to shift a strand of hair to behind my ear. “I’d rather put a dagger through my heart.”
“Aww!” Mia squeals. “I’ve never seen you like this!”
Holden shrugs, his eyes right on mine, even though his words are for her. “That’s because you’ve never seen me in love.”
“But you love me!” Benny shouts, leaning forward to look past me and toward Holden.
I sit back as the table erupts in laughter. “I do,” Holden assures him. “But it’s a different kind of love with Jamie.”
“What kind of love?” Benny asks.
Eyes on mine again, Holden says, “The kind that’s immeasurable… and infinite… all at once.”
39
Holden
Here’s the difference between Jamie and me.
I hide my feelings, stew on them.
Jamie makes her feelings known.
But, if I want something, I’ll ask for it.
Jamie tests me. Teases me. Tortures me.
I sit in bed with my back against the wall, gripping a stupid fairy tale book to my lap to hide my raging hard-on. I feel like I’m fourteen, and my hormones are out of control, and my shorts hit the sensitive part of my dick just right, and now the fucking thing won’t go away.
The problem?
I’m not fourteen…
And Jamie is naked.
When we got home from the night market, she went straight to the bathroom to shower—something she does every night.
That’s her way of testing me.
Occasionally, she’ll leave the door cracked open, and I can see her through the gap, naked and glistening wet.
That’s the teasing.
Tonight though… tonight she brought the torture.
Two minutes ago, she asked me to bring her a towel. I opened the door just enough to fit my arm through it, holding the towel out for her. She said—the sneaky little thing—“I don’t want to get the floor wet. Just bring it to me.”
So I did.
Naked Jamie in all her glorious glory of nakedness.
I don’t even make sense.
That’s what happens when all the blood in your body rushes to your cock.
Brainy no worky.
Now, Jamie opens the bathroom door, naked, and glares at me as if I’m in the wrong. Torturous wench. She opens her drawer with a fury that would usually frighten me… if I could actually think straight. I swear, she’s moving the way she is on purpose. She bends over, calculated, giving me the perfect view of her ass, her pussy.
What I wouldn’t give to just nom, nom, nom.
Bite it.
Lick it.
Suck it.
I groan.
After sliding on her underwear, she turns to face me, her tits right fucking there. And just when I think I can’t take anymore, she skims her hands up her stomach, grabs her tits as if weighing them in her hands.
“Jesus Christ,” I murmur, barely a whisper.
My dick throbs, pre-cum leaking into my boxers.
Fucking awesome.
Here’s the thing: It’s not as if I don’t want Jamie in every way possible, because who the fuck wouldn’t? I just… I need to be able to separate the two attractions, physical and emotional, so we don’t have a repeat of before. When she was here last, the only way I could express my need for her was physical. Now, things are different. And I want her to know that.
My phone dings with a text, and I jump at the chance to check it, just so I have something else to focus on that isn’t a naked Jamie.