In that moment, the temporary relief would come by having sex with him. After not having done so in more than a week, a tingling spread within me. Anticipation sizzled so strongly it canceled out all the other stuff that had ruined our night… all the overthinking that had gotten the best of me.
Nate released my hand, and while staring straight into my eyes, he began removing his clothes until he wore nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs. As I gobbled up every morsel of his hard body, perfectly peppered with manly hair, along with a face that could stop traffic, he remained standing, waiting.
Emboldened, I slowly lowered my sweatpants and pulled off my T-shirt, leaving me in nothing but red panties. It was his gaze that now caressed my body from head to toe. He’d done that plenty of times, yet it still felt as thrilling as the first time. During it, desire grew fierce and consuming, but it also caused vulnerability to fester within me.
Needing to escape feeling so exposed in a way that only he could cause, I turned to slip into bed. No sooner had I taken a step when he gruffly asked, “What is that?” I had no idea what he was referring to, but when I looked back at him, he pointed to my shoulder. “You got a tattoo?” Not waiting for a response, he took two long strides and stood behind me, using his hands on my hips to anchor me in place. “And? Why and?” he asked, skimming a fingertip over the inked heart and setting the one pumping in my chest on fire.
“A.N.D. are my initials,” I said over my shoulder as he continued to stare at it. “Amy Nadia Delton. Nadia was my grandmother’s name.”
“Why the heart?”
“It’s a reminder to love myself above all else.”
“For the record, it’s sexy as fuck.”
I went to turn around, but he stopped me by wrapping his arms around my torso from behind before kissing the tattoo softly. It was things like that, those small gestures he made that hinted it was more than just sex for him. Those sweet acts were also to blame for my fucked-up-ness. It contradicted the foundation of our arrangement, contradicted the hard-ass arrogant man that he was so good at portraying.
That one little move on his part once again instigated the tsunami of confusions I’ve been having about him. It was one thing for us both to be confused, another for him to see me clearer than I could see him. All of it was a reminder to tread very carefully with Nate.
When I pried his hands from my body and slipped into bed without another word, he left to use the bathroom. I held my breath until he reappeared and paused in the doorway, giving me no indication about what it was that ran through his own mind. Was he also anxious to get physical, or was he also battling with demons that had no place in the room with us? I knew I’d probably never know, because he wasn’t one to divulge, and I wasn’t one to ask.
Unmistakable raw desire simmered in his vibrant green eyes. His expression could pass for one of anger, and the strain in his jaw clearly meant he wanted to devour me.
What would happen next between us was much safer ground, and I preferred it that way.
I watched as he slipped beneath the comforter and pulled me against him until my cheek rested on his bare chest. We remained still, quiet for a few moments. I waited him out, waited for him to make the first move.
But instead, he said, “Hey, Jersey.”
“Yeah?”
“Did you really pick up sushi for me last Friday?”
I felt his head turn and then the weight of his gaze. “I did,” I admitted quietly. “Every roll you love.” When I twisted to look up at him and saw a pained expression, I tried to lighten the mood by adding, “The cab driver ended up with it all.” My smile was met with a groan that reverberated beneath my cheek.
There were so many questions I was dying to ask. Who was she? Where did they go? Did he really work all weekend? Were they once in love, or was it just another one of his arrangements? Why didn’t he ask me to his parents’ house for the dinner he thought was happening?
I just couldn’t bring myself to ask any of them and tried to push the image of him and that blonde out of my mind… no different from him pushing an image of me and Andrew out of his earlier.
Meanwhile, my body remained locked and loaded, waiting for him to distract my mind. But when Nate kissed the top of my head, settling me closer to his hard, warm body and whispered, “Sweet dreams, Jersey,” all the pent-up desire came rushing out like air being released from a balloon. Hearing it, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? He may as well have thrown ice water over me. “You’re going to sleep?” I asked, not caring how desperate I sounded.
“We both are.” His thigh pressing against my leg beneath the comforter, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, and his hand gripping my elbow all felt like a cruel tease. So did his incredible scent and the warmth of his skin.
Just as he closed his eyes, I hissed, “Seriously?”
One of his lids lifted, and the corners of his mouth twitched. “What?”
“Are you trying to prove some kind of point?” I didn’t bother hiding my annoyance. How dare he leave me on that note. I needed the cocky, arrogant Nate that pushed my buttons. I needed the prick I knew he could be in bed and slid my hand beneath the fluffy down blanket, molding it around his hardened cock. “Obviously, not all of you is on board with that.” The squeeze I gave him forced a groan, but he otherwise didn’t bite. “Playing hard to get?”
With his gaze pinned to mine, he determinedly took my hand away from his dick. “Jersey, you seem to think I’m only here for the sex.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No. Not tonight.” He looked away to stare at the ceiling. “You were right in saying that I could get it anywhere… as can you. It’s you who’s keeping me around. I don’t know why… especially at this moment… but it’s true.”
“But without sex…” We were doomed. We would never work. But I didn’t have the guts to say that out loud… so I swallowed those words.
Somehow, he seemed to understand what I was trying to say and scrubbed a frustrated hand over his face before he shook his head. “Look, I have no idea how to navigate this.” He pinched my chin between his thumb and forefinger to raise my head. “Let’s just take a minute to breathe.”
His distressed look meant he was way out of his comfort zone… something that wasn’t the norm for a man like him. Stranger still, his behavior and words meant he’d heard me. Through my convoluted, disorganized attempt to relay what it was that bothered me, somehow he understood the real issue.
He made me feel. I made him feel.
Those words didn’t calm the confusions plaguing me, nor did they eliminate them. But they did seem to settle them enough to truly know we were both in a similar place. This thing growing between us put him out of his element no differently than it had me.
We were on equal footing.
And in that moment, with him in my bed for no other reason but to be with me, it was enough.
I woke with a start, disoriented as to where I was. It took me a few seconds to realize I was in my bed and that Nate was sleeping beside me. His arm laid heavily across my body, while his face pressed up against my shoulder.
The sexless night did just as I’d suspected. It wedged open that emotional door he’d managed to slip through, one that I had tried so hard to keep shut in my adult life. Possibilities of being a real couple now banged a heavy fist on the doorjamb, demanding to be acknowledged. For just a moment, I allowed myself to go there. Someplace where Nate and I took on that “real couple” label. And in my imagination, we were good together.