“But before Amber and I broke up, you always made your dislike clear and evidently the feeling became mutual,” he shrugged his broad shoulders, “because why would I like someone who hated me with such passion. Someone who hated me so much that she threw me out of the hospital Amber was admitted in when all I wanted was to make sure she was okay, to ease the guilt that I felt, and continually blamed me for what happened to Amber.”
I could feel each word slice through my heart because they rang the truth. I remembered when Julian confronted me, when he told me that I was blaming him to appease myself of the guilt that I bore with what happened to Amber. I had the audacity to be mad at him for speaking of the truth and even when I was technically the one at fault, Julian apologized.
But now I knew there wasn’t any apology that would follow this one.
Maybe this was just an open letter of how much hated me, in video form. Maybe he could convince Amber because my best friend was a hopeless romantic. Maybe I deserved all the hate that I would get from him in this video. But…but why did the pain ache differently? As if it was clawing at my heart and breaking my heartstrings.
“But five years later, Audrey Finch comes back in my life in high heels and in a power suit and demands my band to sign with her company, the very same company that rejected us five years ago,” Julian licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair again, “and I thought I had the upper hand in the situation but I hate you, Audrey Finch, because you made my heart flutter.”
There was a pause in the video and all I could do was stare at the screen at Julian’s face as he seemed to struggle to find the right words. “When you called me and told me that you wanted whatever we had to end, I wanted to respect your decision even when I honestly didn’t want to. But you always called me out on being a shitty guy for not respecting women enough because I kept on breaking hearts.”
He focused on the camera again. “I wanted to respect you but then…then I spent the entire weekend out of limbo and no matter how I tried to distract myself, it fucking hurt…and…and…”
Julian’s voice trailed and he closed his eyes for a moment and then looked at me, his eyes filled with pain. “And I didn’t think that love could hurt this way and I hate you because I love you, Audrey Finch, I love you too much that I can’t allow you to put an end to this without even trying to fight for what we have because I know it’s worth fighting for. Because you’re worth writing for.”
“So please, my dear Audrey Finch, let’s create our own world filled with our music and write our love story in lyrics.” Julian looked at the camera again and as he stared at me, I could feel the weight of his gaze, the weight of his love. “Please take the risk. Please let me love you.”
I hadn’t realized that I was already crying by this point and I was trying to wipe the tears away but I couldn’t really stop them from flowing. My heart hurt, and for some reason, it didn’t hurt in the same way it hurt earlier. It hurt because I realized that he wanted me the same way that I wanted him but I had put a barrier between the two of us for fear of a heartbreak that may or may not happen.
When love arrives at your doorstep, you don’t shut the door on its face.
We will never know the answer to those maybes if you don’t give this a chance.
Please take the risk. Please let me love you.
I gasped and wiped away my tears and it was only then that I started to hear it. Outside, there seemed to be someone playing a guitar and curiously, I opened the window in my office and my heart soared at the sight of Julian. His hair was a mess, as mussed up and curly as it had been in the video. He was wearing the same shirt and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
Quickly, I rushed out of my office and opened the front door and the moment that Julian caught sight of me, there was a small smile that formed on his lips and he began to strum his guitar, the sound echoing throughout the neighbourhood.
I was a Casanova in pursuit of breaking hearts
Didn’t care about the trail of broken hearts that followed me around
But it was one voice that changed my perspective,
A voice that my heart seek to find
And for a while, I kept on losing track
But somehow, the higher ups led me back
It was surprising to hear his voice shaking when he sang. If there was anything that Julian was always confident about, it was singing. But now it was as if he was nervous and when our eyes met again, I watched as he took a deep breath and began the chorus that he had me listen to almost a week or two ago.
You’re the only right in a symphonies of wrong,
Put my heart in paper and every beat will write you a song
I’ve searched for you everywhere, wherever and now here I am,
Right where I was always meant to be,
Here in this moment, here and now.
The next verse that came was the one that he first sang when he sang me this song and I stood there in my doorstep, watching him in awe. I understood why he chose to sing because music was our language and he wanted me to listen to the context behind the lyrics because those were the things that he wanted to say but couldn’t put it into words so he sang them instead.
And in the instant my lips met yours,
My soul burst into flame,
You’re addicting and satisfying and baby, I crave
Stay with me right here in this moment,
Stay with me in this lifetime
I’ll be yours for how long you’ll want it
Be it in this lifetime and even in the next one
For the last time, he sang the chorus and took a cautious step closer to me and ended the song by saying the last part. “Here in this moment, here and now.”
I wasn’t really sure what I was meant to say because if I opened my mouth to speak, I may choke on my tears and sob in front of him. “I love you, Audrey Finch, and I-,”
I didn’t let him finish and I grabbed him by the shirt and pressed my lips hard against his, tasting my own tears as they continued to fall down. I felt Julian set aside the guitar between us and pull me closer, his hand slipping on my neck as he pulled me even closer- as close as we could get- and my fingers tangled in his hair.
I gasped when I felt him bite my lower lip, his tongue gaining full entrance in my mouth. I felt his hand on my waist, palm splayed and gripping me tightly and by the time that we pulled away, I rested my forehead against his, sighing contentedly in Julian’s arms.
“Julian,” I began to say as I met his eyes. I could see the dazed look in his heterochromic eyes as he stared back, “I’m sorry that I believed the video. Anthony must’ve pressed your buttons and I was the one who swore you to secrecy and I-,”
“I love you.” Julian said suddenly but I continued yapping.
“And calling you to tell you to end things between us was such a dick move for me to do. I should’ve listened to what you were going to say. But I was such a coward-,”
“I love you.”
“And I thought that you were always just meant to break my heart and I thought that I was being smart by ending things early because in my head it was a heartbreak in the making-,”
“Shut up and tell me you love me, Audrey!” Julian exclaimed, looking at me slightly annoyed.
My mouth hung open for a moment, surprised that he raised his voice with me but knew that he only wanted me to hear the three words. I grinned at him playfully and snaked my arms around his neck and stood on my tiptoes to whisper in his ear and I could feel Julian anticipating. “I love you too.”