You. Only you. And not for you to be with anyone but me.
Letting out a heavy breath, I realized how true that statement was. I wanted Madden something fierce. Not just physically, either. Yeah, it’d been an inclination for years, how I dreamed of him. But now, I wanted his heart, his deepest secrets, and his pain.
I wanted everything he’d offer me and even after that, I wanted more.
You know what to do, Andy. See you when I see you.
That’s it?
Why did those words hurt me more than any I’d heard? Why couldn’t he tell me it was me and only ever me? Abandonment issues weren’t pretty and mine were blatantly obvious.
I needed the words.
I needed him.
Texting Brandon, I let him know I wouldn’t be over tonight. Not that I ever came over during the week. I had something to do and knowing Madden hated surprises told me this might be the dumbest idea I’d ever conjured.
Chapter Thirty
Hallelujah – Underoath
Madden
What I’d do to be with her right now. To tell her sweet nothings and promise her the goddamn world. Once, I didn't think I had a future. Then Andy came back into my life, reminding me why I stayed alive. Aside from needing to be around for Cars at some point, I knew I could never leave this world without tasting her just once.
When I was sixteen and made out with her—that didn’t count. I was young, naïve, and had a hard-on for anything inherently sexual.
Now, it was a deep-seated desire.
It went way further than simple sexual gratification. I wanted to consume her in a cosmic way, fill her up and put babies inside her. I wanted to fucking breed her and keep her all to myself.
The thought never crossed my mind before we reunited and now it wouldn’t go away. It festered, consuming me with every note I played on my guitar.
Not once in my life was it ever a thought or possibility to be with Andy in this way, but lately, it was a constant draw. I needed that. Her.
“Have you seen Carson?” Carrig asked, days after I tattooed my best friend. It felt like the first step toward mending fences. Cars cried with me for hours and we just talked to each other like we once did. The direction we were headed in was looking up, it felt right and where it was meant to be. I never knew if we could ever be ourselves again, but that was the thing about soul mates. No matter how much time passed, our souls would forever know each other.
Carrig stared at my phone and the way I looked at it. “Yeah,” I breathed, feeling a tightness in my chest. Carson’s name brought pain whenever uttered. It also brought a tinge of peace since he was back in my life.
“Stony talks about him,” Carrig mentioned, rubbing the back of his neck. Out of the three of them, Carrig was the hardest to get a read on. Memphis had trauma, I understood that. Stony had abandonment issues, I also understood that. Carrig, though, he didn’t tell us anything about himself. So, there was nothing to relate anything to. He didn’t offer anything to us.
“Yeah, are they fucking?” I asked bluntly, not knowing if Cars was still himself or changed. No judgement here, I’d become a secluded version of myself too.
Carrig’s expression darkened, his face morphing into one of anger and disgust. The wrinkle between his two eyebrows were more telling than his tone. “No, they’re not.”
I smiled, seeing a little crack in that pretty mask he laid on his face. “What has you in a twist?”
He shook his head, holding on to the doorframe for dear life. “Fucking nothing,” he hissed, his attitude entirely changed. “I’ve gotta go.”
Why would he ask about Cars if he already knew about them? Something was off and the little voice at the back of my head urged me to find out.
You screwing around with one of my guys? I texted Cars, pretending to be blasé, but truly wanting answers. The guys knew Cars and Andy were off-limits. I might have cut them out of my life, but I made sure to lay down the law early on in my friendship with the band.
What? You haven’t texted me since inking my thigh and that’s the first shit you say? What the hell. We’re friends again, but what the fuck, Mads?
I laughed, thinking of the way his face would morph into discomfort in the past. I said what I said. Are you sleeping with my band?
If I was, what does it matter to you?
Well, I need to make sure they’re good enough. It was something well known about me, wanting to make sure everyone was taken care of.
Hmm.
That isn’t an answer, Cars. I grabbed my pen, scribbling onto a random envelope, really wishing I had some vodka.
It’s been years, Mads. Let me get used to you being a protective shit again. His response hurt, thinking of how I’d brought us to this place of uncertainty. We had a lot to work through for us to get where we needed to be.
It’s a simple question.
Well, it’s not a simple answer.
Anger bridled inside me but before I could call him and question him to death, the bell at the shop dinged. I had one more client, but they weren’t due for another six hours. I’d taken a break to eat and file some paperwork before leaving for our Kerosene Kisses tour. Since the others seemed to not know how to manage without me.
Since I didn’t hear anyone speak to the newcomer, I got up and headed to the front. Before I made it past the first hall, I was surprised to see Andy.
Uncertainty crossed her face, hidden by the luminescent rainbow of her hair. She toyed with the ring on her finger, bringing me back to reality.
“What are you doing here?”
Her face was shell-shocked, but more so, deeper, she seemed unhinged. I wasn’t sure what happened in the last hour since we’d texted that had her rushing to me, but it had me uneasy.
“Are you with a client?” she asked, her eyes wide and bloodshot. Her face concerned me more. It reminded me of when she got super high when I was sixteen and needed a ride because she could taste colors and feel music.
Some of us could feel music as we wrote, played, and belted it out, but she didn’t do any of those things and it only made me concerned for her ability to function right now.
“Are you high?”
She narrowed her eyes, disbelief painting her features. “No, but you again haven’t answered me.” She held her hips, her fingers indenting while she breathed heavily.
“I’m not busy and the others must be outside since I don’t see or hear them.” My mind went to Noah and Grizz, wondering if they were fucking around again. There were several situations where I walked in on them hooking up or in positions leading to that.
“Then we need to talk,” she muttered. “Privately.” I gave a stiff nod, uncertain. Was she telling me she chose Brandon?
Then it hit me. Did that fuck touch her?
I led her to my office, keeping my distance. It gave me the chance to truly look her over. In the most formal attire I’d ever seen her in, I wanted to tease her. She seemed so uptight in her pantsuit, but for some reason, it made me want to unwrap her like it was my birthday.
“Talk,” I let out, crossing my arms. She closed the door behind her, her body nearly shaking. I hated when she didn’t use words, unsettling me with her lack of communication.
“I need a distraction for tonight. I told Brandon he couldn’t come over.” She crossed her arms, holding her elbows like an anchor.