“Yeah, but how the hell do I leave?”
“Don’t show up,” she supplied, chewing on the inside of her mouth.
“What do I tell Madden?”
“Don’t.”
“I hate lying,” I argued, feeling the pressure of everything weighing on my chest. “I can’t.”
“You can and you will,” she demanded, tapping my head with her notepad. If only it was that simple to shake the unease building inside.
Before I could argue, she peeked around the corner and left me holding my breath, wondering what my next steps were.
***
Not even two hours passed as I filed petitions. Brandon came into my office, shutting the door behind him. My office had privacy blinds. They were for when I met up with clients and perusing eyes weren’t allowed.
He closed those now too, turning to me. I didn’t want to look up from my laptop fully, knowing seeing his face would make me uncomfortable.
Since seeing Madden again, I’d been off. There was no way he didn’t feel and see the change in me.
“You’ve been hiding,” he commented, his hands in his pockets as he came closer. With his tie loosened and his hair a bit disheveled, I knew it must’ve been an eventful day. Today he wore a three-piece graphite gray suit. His dark maroon tie was one I’d bought him for his last partnership with Agnus Bright. The only time he wore that was to impress someone. Which meant his meetings must’ve been with other partners at the firm.
“Busy,” I muttered, hating how the lie tasted on my tongue. Before Madden came back, I hadn’t been much of a liar. It didn’t feel right, so I tended to tell the truth even when it felt uncomfortable. Right now, I lied through my teeth. I was so un-busy that work was easy and I was usually done early.
I typed away at my computer, knowing it was nonsensical and as soon as he left, I’d have to redo whatever I’d written. My fingers touched each key and the hesitation began to war inside me. He let out an exhale and it forced me to straighten in my chair.
“Hmm,” he mused aloud. Finally allowing myself to look up fully, I noticed his expression. That right there told me he didn’t believe me for a second. Brandon peered at me through his eyelashes, expectation settling there.
He was right.
I wasn’t preoccupied. Not once since starting here would I allow for getting behind. If anything, I took on too much because my workload kept me distracted.
While growing up, I told Dox I’d be a famous musician like him, that singing brought out the passion in me. He brought me to shows, let me sing on stage with him, and even encouraged it. At first, at least.
Then he told me that it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be, the industry was full of sharks and people who wanted to hurt you. He kept telling me to stay away from fame, it wasn’t worth the heartache, so I changed my dreams. There were moments when I went back to that conversation, wondering if he made me decide on becoming a lawyer, or if it had more to do with the fact that Madden had to fight tooth and nail for the Windowless Skies account even though he owned half of it.
Donnie was a sketchy man, he tried writing Madden out of the will and even said Dox changed his mind right before he died, not wanting Madden to have the fortune.
It was a lie, of course.
I did so much research and then ended up doing a lot behind the scenes so Madden would never have to worry about this again. But Donnie, he needed to be watched. I didn’t trust him at all.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got jitters,” I lied again. In a way, I did. For Madden. For what we could have if I didn’t allow fear to guide me. Yet, here I was, not giving Brandon his ring back.
“Wedding ones?” The aloof way he peered at me gave me no opening. Much like in the courtroom, Brandon hid his expressions well. Most times he seemed bored. Not once had he appeared uneasy, not even now. The only insight to his emotions right now was how he gripped the chair in front of my desk. His fingers indented it aggressively while his expression showed aloofness.
“Yeah,” I explained. Getting a wedding dress was easy, I went to the bridal store and bought the first one I tried on. Getting a ring wasn’t hard either. Brandon liked gaudy things, so I went all out. Cost a shit ton of money, but it was easy.
Now, sitting here, this was the hardest thing in our relationship. Wanting to walk away without the ability to do so.
He’d know Madden was the cause.
Whether it were through intuition or the fact that I’d be on his tour. He’d know.
What would he do with that information?
“Well, luckily it’s soon. You’ll be good by then. Lily and Mom are excited to set up.”
I nodded, pretending this entire conversation didn’t bring me hives. “Yeah, that’s great.” He stepped closer to my desk, the leisurely pace letting me know he wanted to go unnoticed.
“They’re flying out tomorrow, they want to go over final arrangements and then we’ll do the rehearsal on Wednesday.”
Wednesday was two days from our wedding. They’d be here for over a week. I wasn’t ready for this kind of emotion.
“That’s great.” I faked the happiest voice. “It’ll take a ton of pressure off me.” Lily, his sister—we never really got along—mostly because I was never good enough for her. His mom, though, she absolutely hated me. He never saw it, even when I pointed it out time and time again.
“Don’t stress, babe, they will be here for you.”
Nausea built up inside me from the visual. The degrading comments, little barbs, and the way they never seemed to look at me but instead, looked through me.
That was one of our biggest hurdles. His family was a sore spot for me but he always made me feel delusional about it. Saying I was too emotional and they were just trying to help.
His sister Lily made me want to run into a wall while driving. I’d never say she was nice, let alone someone who cared. His mom made me so uncomfortable, I felt like I was suffocating whenever she was near.
His feet continued closing the gap between us and it was getting harder and harder to not seem stiff.
***
I avoided kissing Brandon, avoided touching him, and told him I had felt sick. He gave me a dirty look but didn’t persist before he left my office. Every part of me wanted to text Madden and tell him, but he hadn’t reached out to me since he came over.
Did he change his mind?
One week, little demon.
Oh, now you’re speaking to me? I couldn’t handle the way I felt. There was this broken part of me—the child who didn’t get to be a child—who wanted to stab Madden, even though he had never been the source of my pain. If anything, he helped me.
Sounds like someone is jealous.
Well, you had me promise not to fuck around and didn’t offer the same reassurance. Bite me. Drained and sexually frustrated, I hit Send, letting him know I wasn’t happy about his lack of reassurance.
I’d very much like to bite you, little demon. But there’s a parasite who you’re engaged to that stops me from taking what’s mine.
You didn’t reassure me... Unease was my only bedmate lately. I’d never felt secure in life and with something as forbidden and fleeting as us, it scared me more.
What do you want me to say? That I can’t stop thinking about you, that my mind is filled with thoughts of you and only you? That the idea of touching someone who isn’t you makes me sick? What do you want, Andy?