“What are you getting?”
He smiled then, the first real one in a long time. “A ship,” he said, as if it were simple.
“And?”
“A kraken taking it under.”
Basically, he wanted my octopus piece with a ship. Me dragging him down.
“How?” Words didn’t come as I stared at him, but I knew already. He kept up with me somehow.
“You might have abandoned me, Mads. But I couldn’t. I never stopped talking to those around you, I never gave up on you. Because watching you live kept me alive.”
That right there.
It broke me.
Tears welled and for the second time since learning my parents died, I fucking let out some pain from that loss. Clutching my chest over and over, I tried to assuage the ache. It was there, wasn’t it? That’s where it originated from. It had to be the reason I hurt, the reason pain felt like a fucking searing knife.
“It’s okay,” Cars reassured, still not touching me. He stayed inches away but looked helpless while doing it. “Let it out.”
I did.
I fucking yelled louder than I’ve ever done, breaking down in the middle of my shop. The ache that always sat beneath my skin, beneath the façade I offered the world, it burst through, bringing me the worst kind of agony.
My knees hurt as I hit the epoxied floor, but it didn’t hold a candle to the indescribable pain finally letting itself out from deep within me.
“Can I comfort you?” Carson asked, and for some reason that question alone made me worse. I couldn’t breathe or feel, but I also felt so much that I couldn’t quite numb how bad the pain was.
It took people entering my room for me to realize I didn’t stop crying. The loudness of my sobs brought them all in here and finally, looking at my best friend, I nodded.
He pulled me into him and held me. Something must’ve been silently conveyed because one by one, my friends left, and Cars rocked me like I used to do for him.
“It’s okay, Mads. It’s going to be okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Thank God It’s Friday – Ice Nine Kills
Andy
The last two weeks were a blur. Between Madden coming to my place—if that wasn’t a dream—getting wasted, and freaking out about the pending doom... my wedding.
I didn't recall much throughout the time spent stressing and overthinking every choice I’d made in the last five years.
Every day this week, I’d been short with Brandon, not knowing how the hell I’d be able to tell him it was over. How did you randomly end a huge relationship without being obvious about the cause?
I didn’t know if I was capable.
I had to.
For Madden.
For me.
Walking up the two flights of stairs into Frost & Sharp Associates, I felt my heart race. I’d have to see him; would he try to kiss me?
Why wouldn’t he? He’s your fiancé, idiot.
I took a deep breath, knowing he’d be in his office too. All week, I was lucky. He’d been in court. Not today. Today, he had meetings, but for the most part he’d be here.
“Andy!” Tays hollered, a smile on her face. She held a notepad to her chest and her laptop bag slung over her shoulder. The hallways were empty, sans us, and I made my way to her. “He’s not here.” The conspiratorial way she said it proved how obvious I’d been about avoiding him.
“Thank fuck,” I whispered under my breath, but of course she heard it. I gripped my bag tighter, wanting to strangle myself with the strap. The silence between us only grew as she watched me.
“Why are you avoiding him?” she questioned, her tone serious.
“I don’t know...” I lied, not knowing how to tell her I was given an ultimatum and the idea of giving up Madden didn’t sit right with me. Fidgeting with the bag, she gripped my shoulder.
“Is it Reaver?” she whispered his name like it was a secret. It was. Especially since Brandon knew he was my nephew and not simply a rock star in my life.
“No, it’s me.”
She looked me up and down, then started walking toward the utility closet and biggest meeting room. A moment later after I didn’t follow, she waved me over. I trailed behind her into the little alcove. She peered around, her eyes glancing at each of the nearby doors.
“Are you sure? I know Les and Marion were preoccupied with alcohol but I didn’t drink much. You two have insane chemistry.” Her eyebrows rose and then she wiggled them, amusement across her lips.
I closed my eyes, thinking of the way Madden held my throat as if I, along with it, belonged to him. “That can’t happen,” I mustered, knowing it was all I’d thought about for weeks.
Him and I.
Madden and me.
Wrong and more wrong.
“He looked at you like you were his first and last meal, Andy.”
“I’m engaged.”
She shook her head, gripping both my arms, her notepad rubbing against my skin. “You and I both know that’s not valid. He isn’t someone to write home about. He’s a Joe Schmoe, who is controlling, and doesn’t make you happy.”
“He—”
“Don’t lie to me,” she grumbled, looking around once more. One of the office doors nearby opened and she waited to continue until the footsteps became silent. “You looked at Reaver as if he was the connection you’d been missing since college.”
My heart ached at her words, thinking of how empty I’d felt since he left me. He decided to throw me away, and somehow, he took my heart with him.
I was less of a person because he wasn’t a part of my life. With him back now, no matter how short, it felt like fate. Adjusting my bag, she dropped her hands from my shoulders, but her face didn’t change from its imploring nature.
“I don’t know how to leave Brandon,” I admitted after a breath.
“You don’t even love him and you’re going to tie yourself down?”
“Reaver goes on tour in a week, the day before my wedding,” I added, needing her to know what was truly on the line. She shook her head, her expression one of a concerned mother. For years, she’d looked after me, especially during my crazy days when Madden first left.
I was empty.
“Go with him,” she suggested, planting a seed. Could I do that? Would Madden want that? What if this was fleeting... he could very well leave again. While I wanted him, my heart felt a pang of discomfort as if it told me to stay cautious.
“What if—”
“No excuses. Find out if Brandon is who you want.”
“He’s never going to postpone the wedding.”
“Then you have your answer,” she admitted with a shrug. “Choose you, Andy. Choose happiness. Choose a fucking rock star.”
Glaring at her, she laughed in response. “Fuck you.”
“Oh, don’t be sad. I’ve only been wanting Reaver for the last three years, no big deal.”
My anger rose, thinking of anyone touching him, wanting what we wouldn’t allow. He’d been explicit about his rules. No touching, let alone sex. Did he abide by his own rules, even now?
“I’ll literally gut you if you touch him.”
Amusement flickered in her eyes, she was baiting me. “That, right there...” she pointed to the pinch between my eyebrows. “That tells me Reaver already means more to you than Brandon ever did.”