My hands feel like ice against his skin as I pull his arms tight around me. His lips imprint the top of my head as I rest back against his chest. I can handle when he’s away for a couple of days under normal circumstances. Since Hannah has been at the forefront, nothing has been normal though.
***
Wes really tried to stay close before he left. He checked in a couple of times a day then the night before he left, I helped him pack. He can, and usually does, do it on his own, but I asked if I could help. I sat and folded everything neatly in his bag. I steamed out the four suits he had to take with and then made sure my stamp of approval was behind every shirt and tie that went with them.
I made sure he had his favorite workout clothes and running shoes, along with a framed picture of me right on top. I know it’s pretty cheesy, but it made me feel better thinking I was sort of going along for the ride. I rode with him to the airport. When I got out of the car at the curb to switch seats, I followed his every move as he took his suitcase, garment bag, and messenger bag to the sidewalk.
When he closes the trunk and turns to me, I’m doing my best to not cry. I don’t know why this time; this trip is tearing me apart inside. “Make sure you text me when you board and land.”
“I know you’ll be watching the flight tracker anyway.”
“Humor me. Okay?” I can feel my lip quiver a bit as I try and smile.
“Hey. I’m not going off to battle. I know it may seem like it and sometimes even feels like it. It’s just a business trip. You won’t have time to miss me.”
“I’ll miss you. I will.”
He wraps me in those gentle giant arms of his and gives me a kiss to end all kisses. “I’ll miss you too, Merlin. I’ll be expecting to come back to an all-new book of spells.”
“Maybe we could try one long distance?”
“You just said magic words. We can and we will. I’ll see you soon.” He gets in close, sliding his lips against my ear. “I love you.”
With a kiss, he’s through the sliding glass doors and gone.
It hasn’t even been ten minutes and I miss him terribly. I’m having a hard time processing who I am right now. I used to be infinitely independent. Now I feel kind of dependent. I like it, but I don’t. Maybe Wes is right. Maybe I should spend some time with my mom and dad.
***
I think about driving straight from the airport to my parents’ house. I also need to know for myself that I’m still Hayley. I decide in the moment to go back to the apartment and get to know her again. I can still smell his cologne the minute I open the door. It’s comforting and also deepens my missing him.
What do I usually do when I’m trying to get right? Stay busy. Saturday is our normal cleaning day anyway. I immediately turn on the music, change my clothes, and get to work. I put on one of Wes’s sweatshirts and my exercise shorts, pop my hair in a messy bun, and attack the kitchen.
It’s not that bad but it’s not that great. I even clean the refrigerator and the oven. After about three hours, then it’s on to the laundry and the bathrooms. I scrub everything so hard; I actually break out in a sweat. Then it’s dark electronic dance music time with the vacuum cleaner. I think I do every inch of this place twice.
When I look at the clock again, it’s midafternoon and Wes has landed on the West Coast. His text is short and sweet. It’s just enough to let me know he’s okay. Not long after I get a picture message of him waiting at baggage claim. He looks tired but handsome. I respond with a heart and a kiss emoji. I can’t do more than that right now. I need to gear up for him to call tonight.
I’ve drifted off to sleep on his side of the bed by midnight my time, nine his time. That’s when he usually calls. It’s after his dinner and usually right around my bedtime. Tonight, after all that cleaning and just the day, I lie down after having a salad finally around nine and fall asleep.
His ringtone for a video message wakes me up.
“Hey.”
“Hey there, sleepyhead. I’m sorry I woke you. I didn’t think Miss Sawyer would be asleep at midnight on a Saturday night. I figured you’d be out on the town with your friends at one of your usual haunts.”
I give him a soft smile as I rub my eyes. “No, I hung out with myself today. I deep cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, did the laundry then, now I’m here.”
“No wonder you’re exhausted. I’m in for the night too. It feels like tomorrow versus today. This hotel is nice though. There’s only one thing missing.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“You and your body curled against me.”
I hope he’s not just saying that because he knows that’s what I want to hear. I know how these trips can get. He’s out every night with different people, high-powered people. They’re older. They aren’t demanding things from him in the same way I would.
“I miss you too.”
***
I sleep most of the day on Sunday. I didn’t think I was that tired. Maybe I was. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m bored. I don’t know what I am. I have a few missed messages from friends and my mom. When I finally feel like talking, Mom is the first one I call.
“Hello, darling. I was going to just call you as well. I sent that text hours ago. Are you okay?”
“I just slept a lot. I guess I was tired.”
“You burn your candle at both ends, Hayley. You must have needed it.”
“You sound like Gran.”
“Sound thinking is sound thinking. I was going to see if you wanted to join us for dinner. I know Wesley is away.”
“How did you know that?”
“Eli mentioned it. Do you want to come stay with us for part of the time? I know I’d like it. I feel disconnected from you.”
“I don’t want that, Mom. What if I come stay tomorrow for a couple nights? I have a project due on Monday, so I’ll want to stay here with my computer. The laptop just isn’t good enough for what I have to do.”
“The cat will be thrilled her person is back and your father will have a partner to watch the game with too. Sounds like everyone wins here.”
I suddenly ask the question that’s been floating around in my brain. “How did you do it, Mom?”
“What do you mean? Do what?”
“I feel like until I was about six Dad was gone a lot for work. Is that right?”
“Your memory is right. He was gone even more until you were born. After you came, he cut back to emergencies and once a quarter. That was still a lot with a busy elementary school child and an infant.”
“How did you manage it? I mean, I’d like to know about the kid part, but I’m more interested in the missing dad part. How did you make it work, especially before Eli and I were born?”
“Well, I worked full time until you and your brother were born. That was a godsend. I also did things with Eli’s school and some other volunteer projects that didn’t take me away from you and Elijah.”