My wish is granted. I hold my phone up and close my eyes. Eli was right. I want to remember this moment forever. I’ve never fallen in love in an instant before today.
***
Hannah’s cravings, she tells me, involve Mexican. The spicier the better, so that’s what we end up ordering in. We sit next to each other on the couch eating, talking, and getting to know each other in a different way. I actually laugh a little bit. I didn’t think it was possible, but maybe this can work. It feels like the right time to tackle the elephant in the room.
“I don’t really know how to put this all out there. It needs to be done, so I’m just going to say what’s in my head.”
“Yeah, I agree. I think I know where this is going.”
“We need to talk about how things are going to work for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond. I know I haven’t been fully plugged in with you and I’m sorry. This should have been one of the first conversations we had so we could have been on the same page the whole time.”
“It’s not just on you. I could have handled things better. I should have called you sooner. I should have done a thousand things different.”
“Hannah, it’s on both of us. I didn’t know what to say or do either. Every time I tried, it just made it worse. Okay, it did get worse.”
“I want to fix it, Wes, I do. I need the support. I think you do too. We need to make this work for the baby.”
“How do you want to do that? Do we need to get lawyers involved? Trust each other and just do what’s best?”
“If it would make you feel comfortable to have a legal document with things in it, I’m okay with that. I’d prefer to be adults and handle it on our own, at least for now.”
“Things are complicated enough without the suits. Admittedly, I know next to nothing about babies. Don’t laugh, but I’ve been doing some reading online and yes, I’m one of those guys who picked up a book.”
Hannah giggles in a way I’ve only heard her do in bed. “That’s really cute and sweet. Yeah, I’m scared too. My mother is coming for a couple of weeks around the delivery. I’d like you two to meet for obvious reasons.”
“My folks said the same thing. My mom would have been here day one if I’d let her. We can work that out so neither one of us is overwhelmed. Just so you’re aware, I’m moving this weekend. I’m getting a bigger condo so I can have a dedicated room for the baby. I found one a couple of blocks from my best friend and his wife. That was a big thing off the list.”
Hannah looks down at her plate before sliding it across to the table. She slides a pillow behind her back and crosses her legs underneath her before sharing the thought I can see she’s struggling with. “Where does your girlfriend stand with all this? Why haven’t we met yet?”
The hunger I once felt in my gut has now rolled over and is churning about in a violent way. I can feel the sadness that’s never far from the surface rise to a lump in my throat. “Well…in the beginning, I didn’t know how this would play out. I told her that she should be happy with someone not so complicated, right out of the gate. Even after I gave her an opportunity to leave, she didn’t. She said it would be okay.”
Hannah reaches across to lay her hand across my wrist. “And now you’re not so sure? What happened?”
“I happened. Me. You asked the most basic question. Why didn’t you meet yet? In my stupid mind, I thought it was better to keep the lives separate. We’d just gotten together. She just graduated from college, and we had to tell my best friend I was seeing his sister. The baby news came like right after. The truth is I was the one overwhelmed.”
“Is this Elijah’s sister you’re seeing?”
“I was. Yes.”
“Was? As in not anymore?”
“I tried to keep us together and happy. I did. I didn’t do a good enough job. I made so many wrong choices. I should have asked her what she needed. I should have brought you two together so we could talk about things. I made her sick, literally sick. Now she’s walked away. She anchors my ass in a way no one else can. I never even asked you if there’s a boyfriend I need to be okay with.”
“Have you tried to talk to her?”
“I’ve left message after message. I tried to call at first. Her phone is off. Eli’s been keeping a close eye on her. If there are things I need to know, he tells me.” She keeps asking me questions and I keep talking. It feels all sorts of wrong. I pat her hand before I slide it back into her lap. “Well, this conversation took a hard left.”
I feel the need to get up and move again. This constant state of claustrophobia is pissing me off. To cover, I grab Hannah’s plate and mine from the table and wander into the kitchen. I bounce into old habits I used to have when we’d be here. I know there is a pitcher of filtered water in the refrigerator. I also remember she unloads her dishwasher at night instead of the morning. I fill a couple of large glasses before I turn around and nearly run into her.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it awkward for you. It’s just I’ve never seen you this sad before. You’re always smiling.”
“Other than the kid, there’s not much to smile about right now.” Hannah takes the glasses out of my hand and sets them on the counter. She pushes up on her toes to thread her arms around my neck and pull me in for a hug. At first, I resist it then I finally give in. The familiarity is there. It honestly feels so good to simply be held. I didn’t let my mom do it because I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t fine.
I wrap my arms around her back. Her belly grazes against my body. Her hand gently smooths the hair touching the back of my neck. I close my eyes and imagine they’re Hayley’s hands. She would always play with my hair whether we were sitting and watching a movie or lying naked in bed. It was the one thing I think was as soothing for her as it was for me.
I’m completely lost in thought until Hannah whispers in my ear. “Did you feel that?”
“Feel what?” I ask.
She slides her hands down my arms until her feet are flat on the floor once again. “The baby. It moved.”
“Seriously? No. I didn’t.”
Hannah takes my right hand and places it low on her left side. She weaves her fingers with mine. We look into each other’s eyes in abject silence and wait to see if it will happen again. It takes a few seconds, but then I feel a gentle roll against my hand. Blink and I would have missed it. It feels like if someone placed the smallest of apples in my hand and rolled it from left to right.
We both start to laugh a little bit in amazement. I hold on to her belly a little bit longer to see if it happens again. Our smiles eventually fade back into silent stares. Hannah’s grip pulls a little tighter on my hand as she pushes onto her toes again. This time her hands don’t slide around my neck. She softly brushes her lips over mine.
At first, my lips move with hers in a show of familiarity and comfort. Hers become more urgent and needy. My hands slide up her shoulders and slowly push her back. “Whoa,” I exhale. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”