Under a sinkful of dishes, I grab my recycling bin and begin the detox. I have to fill and empty both that and the trash twice. Even that little bit makes a big difference. I handwash all the dishes in catharsis, instead of offering the mess to the dishwasher. After my kitchen is spotless and the floors are all either washed or vacuumed, I take the longest, hottest shower of my life. I feel like I’m shedding heavy layers of grime and something I can only describe as a form of grief.
I set my dry cleaning and both baskets of laundry by the door in an attempt to force myself to leave the apartment, even if it’s to the concierge. I know however, once these tasks are done, there are no more to follow. It will be back to sitting in all that I miss or have lost. Day six. I can’t do it. I love this apartment, but it was made more of a home than a permanent hotel suite because of Hayley.
The one thing Hayley left behind is the picture of the four of us from Eli and Dylan’s wedding. That day was the actual first we were together in every way. Even in the image, I feel like she’s staring right through me. I need a break from the ghost of what was. I shove my wallet, keys, and my phone in my pocket, grab my stuff for the cleaners, and my baskets to escape the confines of these walls and do a bit of what Dylan asked me to do. Breathe.
I free my not often used car from the garage to take me to the only other place I feel like I can be right now. I use my pirated copy of the garage code at Eli and Dylan’s and hide my car in their spare spot. I’m thankful my elevator ride is solo. I don’t have it in me to make any conversation. My spare key gives me access to their place.
There is no movement at all. It’s Saturday. I bet it’s a zoo and David visit in the park day. I load up basket one of the laundry in the washing machine and make myself at home in front of Eli’s gaming system. The sounds of the fake hockey game are soothing. The hits, the roars of the crowd, the sound of the puck and skates moving. It’s something that feels normal. I’m in game two before I hear the familiar sound of the key in the lock.
I let the controller fall to my lap and wait for the inevitable what the fuck are you doing here? Dylan is laughing as they come in the door. She’s been away from one of the things she loves most in life and still can find the happy. I wish.
Eli enters the living room first and without judgment asks to join me. “I’d like to kick your ass today.” I toss him the other controller.
“Hey, Wes. We’re doing glazed pork for dinner. There’s more than enough if you want to stay,” Dylan offers.
“I’ve got laundry in with another load to go, so that would be great.” Eli and Dylan exchange a knowing look. Even if that look equals pity, I don’t care. I’m at least with people I can feel like this with.
Eli and I take a break to help Dylan with dinner. She even makes fucking crutches look graceful. The smells start to waft around the corner from the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve felt hungry instead of forcing myself to eat in days. “Do you want any help?” I ask.
“No. We’re good, Mav. You can pick the wine if you want.”
“Mind if we go alcohol free?” Both Eli and Dylan stop, frozen. They nearly simultaneously look at me. “You don’t have to make me feel like I have two heads. I mean…I do, but not ones you can see. Look, I just tossed two full waste bins of bottles out this morning when I cleaned the apartment. I think I need to detox and cool it. Okay?”
“Yeah. No, that’s fine,” Eli adds.
“I’ll share one of my recovery drinks with you. I think it might be just what you need. Want to sit at the table or more picnic-style?”
I don’t look over at them and just start grabbing dishes from the cupboard. “Can we sit at the table like a family? I’ve had enough boxes on the floor to last me a while.”
“Anything you want.” Eli pats my shoulder. “Buffet-style then sit at the table.”
Eli tries to lead the conversation into all the light places. He dominates the room and I let him. I listen a lot and nod when needed. I didn’t know if it would be awkward being around him or anyone that reminded me of Hayley. It isn’t. It’s comfortable and soothing. It’s exactly what I need.
They don’t push me to talk. They make me feel at home. I feel so at home I don’t want to leave. I convince Eli to play another round with me. Dylan even takes his place while Eli takes an emergency call from the office.
“Hey, Mav. You doing okay? I gave it to you pretty hard the other night.”
I stare straight ahead at the television. The horn sounds, meaning she’s just scored on me. My reflexes don’t even flinch. “I don’t want to go home tonight. Can I… can I just stay here? I know I’m fucking up the Sunday morning special, but I’ll make brunch. I will do anything not to have to go home.”
“Of course you can stay here. The other bedroom is free. It’s a little messy with foundation stuff. I can clean it up quick.”
I cut her off before she even gets to her feet. “The couch. I’d like to sleep on the couch.”
Eli’s couch is the first place I kissed Hayley. If I look at the cushions hard enough, I can see the imprint her body left. I can smell her hair as it drifted across me. My hands even tingle from touching her body.
“I’ll still get you a pillow and the duvet from the bed.”
“Don’t. I’ll go get it when I’m ready.”
“I know I don’t need to tell you this, but make yourself at home.”
She slowly gets up off the couch. I give her my arm, even though I know she doesn’t need it. In a gesture not often shared between us, she presses a cheek to the top of my head and wraps her arm around my shoulder before limping away.
“Hey, Viper?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
She gives me a small smile before disappearing behind her bedroom door. I lean back on the cushions of the couch, propping my head so I can look back at the abstract image of the skyline through their curtains. I click the light off and toss my arm over my eyes, trying to imagine I can see the moon. I wonder if Hayley is looking at it too.
Eli’s unmistakable footsteps get closer and closer to me in the darkness. “Dylan said you asked to stay.”
I allow my arm to flop back down into my lap. The only light in the room is that from the intermission of my unfinished hockey game. “Yeah. Cool?”
“Sure. It’s okay with me.” Eli plops down on the cushion beside me in an almost full mirror of my pose. “You can talk to me, you know. I get that Dylan is where you’re most comfortable right now, but I’m still here. You’re still you and I’m still me.”
“Is this even a fraction of what you felt like after the Wicked Witch melted?”
“The fact you still have a bit of humor floating around gives me hope. Yes. I’m sure it is. I don’t think it’s necessarily about the time you’re with someone, it’s about the connection. You and Hayles had a connection long before it was anything else.”
“I didn’t realize I could love like this. It fucking scares me to live with it and without it.”