I don’t realize I’m crying until Holland says, “This is such a tough situation.” She walks over to me and hugs me. “He’s been working hard to draft all his life. He was basically told he has to leave you behind or it will affect team performance. The guys on the team are like one unit, if one of them is broken the unit fails. Coach didn’t see any other way of getting the guys to work together. Your brother still isn’t happy with Declan but at least their last practices are going much better. It’s a sacrifice, Poppy.”
“It doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m such an idiot. We just slept together right before all this blew up,” I say. “It was my first time and. . .”
“Oh, honey,” Cait says. She comes around and hugs me too. “I think we need wine. Lots of wine.”
“That sounds good,” I agree because what I’m feeling now hurts too much.
Paris tells me how the father of her son took off on her shortly after they came back to live in Westfall. He hasn’t made contact since and her son Max is devastated over it.
“I know Ryse pretty well,” she says. “I can talk to him for you. Maybe get him to see the error in his ways?”
“Nah! I can deal with Ryse on my own,” I confirm. “What upsets me more is that Declan hasn’t reached out. He didn’t even try to fight for us. He just cowered.”
“Maybe he’ll come around.” Paris frowns.
“It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. I think it’s safe to say he’s made up his mind.”
“I’m getting the wine.” Holland heads into the kitchen and returns with a bottle of white wine and four glasses.
She begins to pour and I gulp the first one. No one calls me on it, which I appreciate. By the second glass I’m feeling a little better and I urge the girls to talk about anything but Declan. They are really good with shifting the conversation and we start to talk about dating prospects for the single ones out of us. Dating is the last thing on my mind though. I didn’t have any experience with it and now after this fail, I’ve had enough for a long time.
I decide to stay with Holland for the next couple of weeks. I text Bonnie that I needed a break and I picked up more clothes when she wasn’t in the dorm.
A few days before Christmas, I’m looking online for a flight back home. I still haven’t spoken with my brother. I’ll have to face him eventually. Especially since Mom has a policy of us not going to bed angry. This isn’t how I expected my first semester of college to go. A part of me is still so upset and confused over Declan. I put my heart on the line and I don’t regret it. I just wish Declan would have stepped up.
THIRTY-TWO
Declan
“Glad you made it home but you’ve been a real downer,” Logan says. We share a room in a two-bedroom apartment. Our room is made up of two single beds and a closet that looks like it’s puking out our clothes, it’s so full.
“Sorry,” I say, staring at a yellow dot on the ceiling.
“Is this about Poppy?” he asks.
My gaze cuts to him. “Ryse found out about us. Lost his shit. Went to Coach, who ordered me to stay away from her.”
“That’s rough,” Logan says. “You obviously still care about her.”
“Worse,” I say. “I’m in love with her.”
“So do something about it,” he says.
“I can’t do shit. My hands are tied. Coach made me promise. When Ryse found out it caused a lot of tension within the team. Ryse attacked me during a practice,” I share and watch my brother wince. “The guys are all pissed at me. They’re still giving me attitude, even though I’ve stayed away from her. They’re acting like I broke some bro code. This is bullshit.”
“I mean, you did break bro code.” Logan shrugs sheepishly.
I give him an are you fucking serious right now look.
“Declan, you’re the toughest dude I know. You sure as hell aren’t a quitter. Why you willing to quit this girl?” he asks. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed. His elbows are propped on his knees and he’s watching me. Shit, he’s gotten big and he doesn’t cough, not even a little bit.
“You not hearing me? I was ordered by my coach. You know I have a lot riding on the line this year. We need those offers to come in. For that I need my team playing at their best. I need to be my best,” I say and sit up and swing my legs off the edge of the bed to face my brother.
“And are you playing your best because you look like a lost puppy,” he cackles and I know what he’s doing.
“Fuck you,” I snap.
He rears back. “Easy there, bro. Why don’t you use that pent-up anger and find a way of getting your girl back?”
“Man, I always thought your IQ was higher than that,” I snicker.
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” Logan says, smiling like a smart-ass.
“Throwing my words back at me isn’t useful,” I say, shaking my head.
“You need to think outside the box. Right now you’re miserable as hell. Can you live with yourself if you lose Poppy forever?” he asks me and he stands. He watches me for a minute. “I need food. I’m starving.”
I laugh and shake my head but I get up too because I’m pretty hungry. “The fridge is empty, wanna go get a sub?” my brother asks.
“Sounds good.” I tap his shoulder and we get our boots and jackets and head outside. It’s snowing, cloudy and miserable outside, which matches my mood.
We’re having Christmas dinner with Logan’s coach tonight. Logan hates it but he’s also walking on eggshells around his coach. He wanted me there with him to ease his nerves. Also Mom promised to behave too. It’s the only reason I really came home. Logan said he hated Thanksgiving without me there and he made me promise to be low-key for this dinner.
The scouts have already come out to see Logan play and he thinks he has a shot at Westfall and U Mass. Being back in the old neighborhood isn’t good for me. Watching drug deals go down on street corners makes my stomach turn. I’ve worked my ass off to get out of here and so has Logan. Once he’s away from here next year, I don’t see us coming back. I’ll probably pay to have Mom fly out to me wherever I’ll land.
It sucks I don’t get the girl and my heart hurts like a bitch, but I don’t see a way out of this clusterfuck and I can’t risk everything for Poppy. I just can’t.
THIRTY-THREE
Poppy
Christmas actually sucked this year. Mom spent the entire vacation trying to make peace between Ryse and me. I confessed everything to her about Declan. Even our night together in the hotel because we’ve always been close and I tell her everything, but I had shut down for a number of months while Declan and I were sneaking around and I felt like she deserved the truth. Mom was a ball of tears because she was so happy that I found someone I cared about so profoundly. She couldn’t believe how Ryse lost it at the engagement party, but she did understand where he was coming from because Ryse has always felt like he needs to behave like my father.