“We got a lot done this morning.” He smiled at me, eyes bright and way more alert on low sleep than me. I’d intended to drift off next to him, let the alarm send me back to the couch, but we’d ended up having a sleepy meandering conversation about everything from first crushes and awkward first times to more recent relationships and even some about our jobs. I’d felt like I was back in college, the urge to get to know him better beating out sleep, and we’d both been startled when the alarm had buzzed.
And now I had to pay the piper, so I yawned and headed toward the coffeepot.
“We did good. We earned a break for sure. I can drive if you want to ride with us?”
I half expected him to want to drive himself, but he nodded agreeably. “Sure. Let me change into pants better suited for playing in the snow and we can go.”
In short order we were all in cold weather wear and headed up the mountain to the visitor center parking lot, which served as a hub for snowshoeing and cross-country skiing enthusiasts out to enjoy the trails while young families headed to the snow play area with its groomed sledding hills.
Being a Saturday, finding a parking spot was a challenge and the trek to the snow play area was crowded with lots of happy faces coming and going. Calder insisted on carrying the plastic toboggan we’d brought, and he and Charlotte marched ahead of us.
Hands on her hips, she surveyed the area like a pint-sized mountaineer. The area featured a number of sledding runs of various lengths and inclines from places for the tiny tots to higher hills that had even adults whooping and hollering as they slid down on sleds and inner tubes.
“I’m going to do the biggest hill.” Charlotte turned her conquering gaze back to us.
“I’m not doing it.” Madeline wrinkled her nose. “Look how fast they’re going.”
“I know! It’s awesome!” Charlotte spread her arms wide like that might let her capture more of the experience.
“Why don’t we start with one of the smaller ones?” I suggested, trying to keep the peace, but also find something that might tempt Madeline into trying.
“Yeah, work up to the bigger runs. That’s smart.” Calder nodded before we walked toward the nearest hill.
“Thanks for backing me up,” I said to him in a low voice as we found places in line. “Sibling harmony is hard.”
“Don’t I know it. Roger, my oldest brother, always wanted to do the hardest hike, the biggest dirt bike ramp.” Calder adjusted the sled to his other arm.
“Not you?” I kept an eye on the girls, who had started playing in the snow with some of the other kids in line. “I would have thought you’d be the adventurous one?”
“Eventually. I do love adrenaline.” He grinned broadly. “But early on, they had to use all sorts of dares and bets to get me to try new things that I ended up loving. I used the same tactic with my younger brother, not sure he appreciated it though.”
“That’s the one dating your best friend?”
“Yup. He hates bets. Thinks I’m obsessed with winning. He’s a musical genius and all about celebrating differences and everyone having a good time. We haven’t always gotten along.”
“It’s almost our turn!” Charlotte turned toward us before racing back to the other kids.
Even as the kids pulled my attention away, I still wanted to offer Calder some reassurance. “Perhaps it’ll get easier hanging out with him now?”
“Yeah. In some ways things are better now. But they’re stationed in Connecticut, and mainly, I just miss them both. And sounds like I’d better come up with an idea for a wedding present quickly. But I am not a shopper.”
Luckily for Calder, I did like to shop. And maybe I couldn’t offer a way to improve the past with his brother, but I could offer help. “Something handmade. There’s a website with all handmade gifts that I use for weddings and appreciation gifts for our office staff.”
“You can help me find something.” His fast smile was undoubtedly because I’d given him another excuse for contact. But before I could waffle, he gestured to Charlotte. “Come on! You’re next. You ready to go?”
“Hold on tight!” I reminded her as she got settled in the toboggan. Then we hurried back to the base of the hill as Charlotte gleefully sped down, chortling the whole way.
“Way to go!” Calder clapped her on the shoulder as she returned to us.
“Thanks.” She beamed at him before thrusting the sled at us and taking off after the bigger kids. Calder watched her go, a strange expression on his face. Maybe he was still thinking about his brothers, another layer to him, the brother trying hard to do better. And perversely, the more complex he became, the more interested I was, and that was fast becoming a problem.
“Maybe I do want to try.” Madeline came trotting back up to us, cheeks pink and voice breathless.
“Awesome news.” Calder gave her a high five. “Do you want me to carry the sled up for you?”
She nodded. “I’m going to try being brave because everyone else is having fun.”
“You don’t have to do something simply because everyone else is,” I reminded her, which earned me an epic eye roll.
“I know. But I want to see what it’s like.” She drew herself up taller, a stoic set to her chin that hadn’t been there before. A tight place in my chest twinged.
“That’s the spirit.” Calder swooped up the toboggan and headed back toward the line for the easy hill, coaching her as they went. “Now what you want to do is relax, don’t worry too much about steering. Don’t forget to look around you on the way down.”
“Now that’s a good dad.” A woman standing nearby stepped closer. “Your husband is a good guy.”
“My... Oh.” My eyes were likely dinner-plate huge as my jaw dropped open. I closed it and gave the woman what I hoped passed for a casual smile. “He’s not mine. But thanks.”
The woman’s assumption wasn’t that unreasonable. Calder did look like the girls, what with his fair coloring and long limbs, and he’d been doting on them the whole time we’d been at the play area. Even now I could see him joking around with Madeline in line, making her laugh. And if I had a moment—a microsecond—when I wished for the impossible, well, I certainly wasn’t confessing that to a stranger.
I’d spent so long telling myself that I didn’t need a partner and that solo-parenting was the path for me, that I didn’t exactly welcome the reminder of how nice it could be to have someone to share the work and joys.
Like the triumphant way Calder raced back to Charlotte and me, Madeline fast on his heels. I’d had my heart in my throat her whole ride down the hill, but Calder did a terrific job of seeming like he’d believed in her the whole time. “She did great!”