They slept.
chapter thirty-two
Olivia
After our first meeting, I spent every day with Rafe.
He took me out on the boat and I helped with the tours, assisting him while I happily digested his spiels on the caves, the history of Positano, and funny stories I’d heard before about him growing up here. The full season hadn’t swung in yet, so he had extra downtime. We went to Praiano and lay out on the beach, greedily soaking up the sun while enjoying the space and quiet of minimum tourists. We ate dinner with his dad, and I saw how good Rafe was with him and his failing memory. His dad now needed a cane to get around. But he remembered my aunt, and I’d laugh at some of his stories of the carefree days of partying and dating Aunt Silvia.
Mostly, though, we soaked up each other’s presence, greedy for the time. Content to be together again.
Today, we sat in the garden. I’d found my old sketchbook in the closet and showed him the one I had done of him that day, years ago. He challenged me to do another one, but I’d refused, claiming I was way too rusty. He asked to keep the sketch, his eyes glinting with melancholy, and I agreed. I liked the idea of him having something I made for him.
We relaxed on a giant blanket, watching the clouds, our hands brushing together now and then. Nothing physical had happened between us. Rafe knew I was married, and we both respected the line, even though I’d told him the reason I was here.
“I imagined you’d be married with a child already,” I said. “I was always so jealous of all the women that buzzed around you.”
He laughed. “When you were around me, I didn’t even recognize other women. After you left, I wasn’t interested in dating for a long time. Eventually, I tried to put myself out there, but my father required much of my time, and I hadn’t found the connection I was looking for.”
“Do you want kids?” I asked softly. “One day?”
“Sì. Very much so. I always saw us—me—with three.”
I ignored the way he stumbled over the word, but my palms began to sweat. The idea of having a baby with Rafe made my insides light up.
“Do you have a picture of your daughter?” he suddenly asked. “I’d like to see.”
“Yes.” I fished out the wallet from my purse and handed it over.
“I can’t believe how much she looks like you,” Rafe said as he stared at the picture. “Is she creative? Does she like art?”
“She loves to dance, especially ballet. To be honest, she’s a bit obsessed.” I wrinkled my nose. “Priscilla watched The Nutcracker a million times, and she’s always practicing, almost as if she’s listening to some teacher in her head. I set up a little dance studio for her and got a wall mirror and a barre. I’m sure it’s just a phase, but who cares if it makes her happy? I’m happy I can afford the lessons.”
He tilted his head, his lips quirking in a smile. “That’s beautiful. Imagine finding something you love so much at a young age. The creative blood must run in your genes.”
“It better because Adam doesn’t have a drop. He relates to computer code and spreadsheets.”
I stopped, horrified I’d said his name. I’d confessed the truth to Rafe the first night we were together, and he’d listened without judgment, not saying one bad word about Adam. I think he knew I was only here temporarily, but we couldn’t seem to stay away from each other. It was as if I breathed wholly when I was with him.
“I’m sorry, Rafe. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“What, the name of your husband? He’s a part of your life. The father of Priscilla. We can’t pretend he doesn’t exist—that’s not fair to any of us.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to make things worse between us. Not when I just found you again.”
He reached out and touched my cheek. I almost reached for him to hold his hand to me, desperate for contact, but he let it drop and the moment disappeared. “I told you I’d always be here and I meant it. You’re important to me.” A sigh spilled from his lips. “But I also can’t pretend I don’t have feelings for you. I’m not a saint. Nothing has changed for me.”
I cursed the leap of joy that rushed through me at his words. The feeling of rightness again, as if my journey away from him had been necessary for me in order to end up back here. Where I truly belonged. “I can’t pretend either that I’m feeling just friendship. I know I hurt you, though, and I can’t do that again. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“It is not for you to decide, dolcezza, is it?” he murmured.
The familiar endearment speared me in half with pure longing. We stared at each other for a long time, savoring the intimate moment, the pulse between heartbeats and the possibilities that lay stretched ahead of us.
“Will you go back to him?”
The question stole my breath, because he’d razored straight to the heart of the matter. Was I willing to go back to Adam and work it out? Or was there something else for me, another life I was meant to live? A life with Rafe I’d rejected, but perhaps, had always been meant to be?
Maybe now it was.
“I haven’t decided,” I said truthfully. “We have a child together. I made a commitment to him. It’s bigger than what I want. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
He seemed to ponder my words, his features closed up in deep thought. “But isn’t following what you truly want the right thing?”
“I used to think so, before I had a child. Now everything is about her.”
He glanced one last time at Pris’s photo and handed it slowly back to me. “I always knew you’d be a great mother.”
The tinge of pain in his voice pummeled my chest like fists. “It was never about not loving you enough,” I finally said. “Or choosing Adam over you. I only knew I felt on the verge of something big—a discovery of who I was and how I wanted to be in the world. I got caught up with it. I understand now why you pushed me so hard to be free my senior year. Because if you hadn’t, I may have come back to you, but it wouldn’t have been real. I would have resented what I left behind.”
“I know. You were too young. I knew from the beginning, but I fought it.” A wry smile twisted his lips. “We didn’t do anything wrong, dolcezza. Some things just . . . are. I’m glad you’re with me now. And eventually, you will make the decision that is right for you. No one else. Va bene?”
The crippling tension and constant questioning drifted away and left my insides light. “Va bene.”
Rafe reached out and took my hand. I didn’t pull away, and everything seemed perfectly back in sync, as if I’d never left.