Lucas wants me to go to a club with him, a bunch of our old friends, and new friends he just met on a random job he took. The thought of leaving the walls of my apartment, especially in a dress like this, makes me nearly sick. I know he’s only trying to do what’s best for me. Lucas has always wanted what’s best for me.
When I turned thirteen and began to model, my mother started resenting me, I think. I don’t want to say she hated me, but some days it felt like it. I knew that modeling was something she always wanted for herself, but was never able to accomplish. So when it happened for me, there was always a tinge of bitterness aimed in my direction.
At that point, I began to make books my escape. I wanted to read anything and everything I could get my hands on. I would read about princes and princesses, elves and fairies, modern-day Romeos and Juliets. Mom always said I was stuck in fantasies. Maybe I was, reality just never lived up to it.
The older I got, the more isolated I felt. The camera was a great place to hide. I didn’t have to make conversation, I only had to follow instructions. I liked the praise I’d get from the casting directors and the photographers. Oftentimes, after the tutoring sessions, I’d ask the production staff about their jobs and how they do them. I did really want to know, but I could also have safe connections. Maybe they were substitutes for my parents. At least that’s what one therapist told me. I liked talking to adults. I didn’t want to be known as just pretty. I wanted to be seen as smart too. The ones I chose to talk to treated me more like family than my own family did.
Being pretty has its drawbacks, many of them. Like I said, I wanted to be seen as smart. That didn’t always happen. The girls seemed to be jealous and mean, so real friends were in short supply or nonexistent. The boys were always around. They would assume I was experienced so they hovered. I felt suffocated a lot of the time. I would think they finally liked me for me, so I let them in. When I didn’t want to do much more than kiss, it would be the last I’d see or hear from them. Eventually, isolation was easier.
This is also where Lucas comes in. Lucas and I were paired for some random biology project. He was super popular, super cute, and super smart on top of it. We were in the middle of a dissection when he asked me out on a date. I thought to myself, Okay, is he talking to me? and This guy is bold if he’s going to do that. I think he thought I was badass because I always wanted the scalpel first.
We ended up on jobs together too. I’d never seen him in my circle until that bio class. There were the back-to-school print ads. There was even a commercial where we had to play sweethearts, as the director called it. We laughed our way through it, but when it was over, we shared our first kiss on screen. I wasn’t sure what I felt, I couldn’t tell what he felt either.
Over time, it ended up being a Back to the Future moment where we were both like this is not a romantic spark, as much as we wanted it to be, but I love this human with all that I have. Ever since then, it’s been the two of us against the world. His mom and dad are like my mom and dad.
Lucas has the family I read about and dreamed about my whole life. His mother, Maria, was a stay-at-home mom. I can’t count the number of dinners she invited me to stay for in the beginning. I remember having trouble with some random girl in school. All I really wanted was to be liked. She could tell I was sad and took the time to find out why, give me advice, but more than that, she held me.
Her touch was and is so soft. That’s her personality. It’s who she is. I still sometimes like to curl up with her on the couch, just to rest my head on her shoulder, and she lets me. Luke’s dad, Martin, is the principal for the middle school in the district where we attended.
When Lucas was nominated homecoming king, I was sitting with Maria and Martin. Many of the other parents who came up to talk to them at coronation asked who I was. They introduced me as their daughter. I can’t tell you how that felt, at least I couldn’t then. Now, with my mother gone, I’ve figured it out. It’s nice to feel claimed, wanted, loved, and accepted. Maria was the one who really looked out for my well-being. Martin was the one who would protect me when Lucas couldn’t. This is my family. They make me feel… safe.
Safe.
That’s my favorite word.
It’s the one thing I need to feel the most and the one thing I feel the least.
I can feel my heart start to race standing in front of my full-length mirror. I don’t think I can do this. I want this dress off of me. I want back in my baggy sweatpants and Luke’s T-shirt. Just as my hands reach up to lower the side zipper, a pair of strong hands wrap around my shoulders. I gasp so hard I start choking.
“Whoa. Hey. Shhh, it’s just me.” Lucas’s arms wrap around my body, pulling me back to his chest. “I shouldn’t have come up behind you like that. I’m sorry. Shit. Now you’re shaking.”
“I can’t do this. I’m going to stay here.”
“Nor, you’ve stayed locked away in this apartment when you’re not working. You need to start getting back into the world. It’s not good for you.”
“What’s not good for me is feeling like I’m being stalked. He’s out there. I know he is.”
Lucas spins me around to face him. My fingers walk up his back and loop over his shoulders. I can feel every part of me shake. My cheek rests against his chest as his hand smooths my hair over and over in what I think is a vain attempt to make my fear subside. “Dad’s contact in London says he’s still there. He’s not even in the country. You don’t need to be on high alert.”
“He’s slipped past watchful eyes before. You don’t know what he’s capable of when he’s angry. I do. I’ve seen it.”
“Babe, I’m here. Would I let anything happen to you?”
“No. He could hurt you too though. I’d die if that happened.”
Even in his soft voice, I can tell he’s angry with me. “I don’t ever want to hear those words from your mouth again. Mom and Dad want you to get more comfortable in public, not just school and work. You’ll have me, Jasper, Theo, and about half a dozen others around you. If you want, my job will be to cockblock all night. You know I’m good at it.”
I finally smile against his suit coat. “My head knows you’re right, that everyone is right. The rest of me just needs to catch up.”
“I know what will help. I found a bottle of that Irish whiskey you love so much. Pregame?”
“It might take more than one.”
“Two is your early night limit. Promise me you’ll try. I want to see you laugh. I want to see you dance. If you can forget for a few hours, smile, and be our age, my job is done.”
He kisses my forehead before we both let go. I brush the bit of my makeup off the lapel of his jacket. “I’ll go. If I need to leave though, promise me you won’t be mad.”
“I can’t be if you’re trying. This is a big deal. I get it. I’m not trying to sound like an asshole for saying this, but I’m proud of you. You’re the fucking strongest person I know. Would an I love you help and a promise to spoon later?”
I pop a play punch to his chest. “What would Carina say?”
“She knows you’re my best girl and anyway, things are just casual.”