“I might take you up on using you as a big teddy bear later. I love you too.”
***
Luke wasn’t kidding about the number of people in our squad tonight. Someone rented an SUV larger than I’ve seen. It feels like a limo but not. I am sandwiched in the middle between Lucas and Jasper, with a couple of girls on either side of them. One I’d seen before and the other I just met tonight. They are both seemingly kind and extremely beautiful. They are so stunning I immediately feel out of place. I step into my role as an observer. How do they know each other? Where do I fit in?
Halfway through the car ride, the whiskey begins to kick in. I can feel a flush rising into my cheeks. Warm amber always does things to me. I think that’s one of the reasons why Lucas subtly suggested we toast with it. He knew I wouldn’t say no to it. He knew I couldn’t say no to it.
I cross my legs at my ankles and shyly press my thighs together. I can feel a particular tingle that’s been absent from inside me for a long time. Lucas leans over and whispers in my ear, “I caught that. I’m not asking you to act on it. Just remember how good you fucking feel and run with it.” The flush in my cheeks is now a full-on blush. If he saw it, who else did?
My worry must have turned outward, just like the effects of the whiskey, because Lucas slides his hand into mine mid-sentence with someone else and gives it a gentle squeeze. He’s going to be my lifeline tonight, my way of reentering the world. I hope if I can get out of my own way and believe everything he’s told me, I can have a good time. I need it before I dive back into something else nearly as scary.
I took several years off from academic life after high school. I landed a couple of national and international campaigns. I did a few runway shows. I even lived abroad in England for a year. After I came back from London, while staying with Maria and Martin, I took a while to get settled and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life again.
I knew I wanted modeling to take a back seat, but what did that look like? One day I wanted to just blend in and go somewhere where I didn’t have to talk to anyone and simply fade away. There was a museum that was featuring a compilation of artists that specialize in the female form. I considered it research for being on my side of the camera.
I spent an entire day at the museum, just sitting in front of image after image. I would obsess over the composition, how each woman was posed. I would have arguments with myself about who the women were and why the artists made the choices they did. It was completely fascinating to me.
When I got home that night, I couldn’t stop talking about it at dinner. I remember Maria smiling so wide as she listened to me go on and on. After I finished, she asked me if I was happy. At first, I thought it was a weird question. I mean, I’d just sat for an hour and word vomited about this art. She then said something that changed my life.
Go back to school.
Being twenty-three, I didn’t know if I thought I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it. Most of the normal coeds would be much younger than me. They would be in a different place. Many would be just out of high school and not been in the work world like I had since I was in my early teens. Would I have anything in common with them? Would I fit in? After some convincing, I enrolled at the local university and I’m now in what is considered my sophomore year.
Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester. I have all new professors and all new classes. Change isn’t easy for me. I think that’s ironic, considering that I have to change on command in front of the lens. Now that I have choices again, I like to know what’s coming.
We pull up outside the club and the line is down the block. I look on the other side of the street and there is another warehouse-style building that has another line even longer than this one. The street is damp from a rainstorm we had earlier today. The air is that of a warm end of summer day. I can feel the humidity before we even step outside.
The back door opens, and the warm air meets the cool air we had inside. The girl on the other side of Jasper exits first, followed by the rest of us. Lucas manages to get out before me and offers his hand back. The smile he gives me is priceless. I love how it takes so little to make him happy. Being out tonight isn’t little for me, so he’s going to make sure I get signs of his excitement all night.
I put one foot on the pavement and nearly tumble out of the car. Of course I’m caught by Lucas and Jasper. “I can’t take you anywhere, girl.” Luke laughs as he steadies my body. “You’d think you’d never walked a red carpet before. Model card revoked.” I make sure my hair is sleek down my back as I laugh at him. I can hear my own giggle echo off the building around us over and above the music and the patrons in line. The entire group cocoons me in the middle. Lucas is right; I do feel safe.
The atmosphere in this club is awesome. The way the walls are draped in fabric makes the beat from the music seem deeper. If this was the nineteen forties, I’d swear we were in some underground location with who knows what raging overhead. We would never have known. I think that’s the point.
Someone in our posse must know someone because we are ushered right in. The last thing I hear is a blaring horn and the groan of the people we pass without standing in the line. The only lights once inside the double doors are those of the security staff with flashlights and the neon underlit glass shelves that are lined with every bottle of alcohol anyone could possibly want. We get tiny stars stamped on our hands as we reach the first bar.
There are bars that run the entire length of the dance floor on both the long sides. Lucas takes my hand as he orders for us. He knows I need to stay in the same lane or later tonight and tomorrow morning will be bad all the way around. I motion to him with my finger the number one then a cutting motion across my neck. He smiles and nods. He’s got me, as always.
The shot he orders goes down very smoothly. Smoother than it should, to be honest. That warmth I felt earlier is back and flaming. Lucas leans into my ear. “Take the girls and go dance. You know you want to. That will break the ice with the ones you don’t know. We have the VIP tonight. They are just getting it ready for us. Get a song under your belt. Go!”
I motion toward the dance floor, and the cheers from my girl power hoot and holler in agreement as we take the short staircases into the sea of floating color from the spotlights. With this song, the colors are shimmering in purple and white. I raise my hands into the air as if I’m trying to grab the streams with my fingers.
I spin around to catch the fading colors like lightning bugs. A couple of the girls do the same and dance right at my side. While they are still turned away, I turn back and look for Lucas at the bar. When I look where he was standing, he’s not who I find watching me. The eyes I see are much darker, except when the streams hit them. They’re wide and glistening in my direction.
In the few seconds I saw him, I felt like the whole world slowed down. He’s dressed completely in black. The top button of his collar is open. I only know that because I can see his amber glass rise from the bar top to his perfectly shaped lips. The glass fits in his hand like it was made for it. It’s accented by a large ring on his middle finger. Normally, I would shrink from this kind of attention. For some reason, I like it.
I can see from here that his hair is a brownish blonde that is styled like he just ran his hands through it, but in that perfect sort of way. I half wonder if some woman had her hands in it before he came here. His jawline is angled like he was carved from stone, and right now, all I can think about is the stubble that is present there. I want to feel it on my skin.