Because her heart shattered.
Right then and there.
And it hurt worse than anything she’d ever experienced.
Tears streamed down her face, and she collapsed onto his leather chair. It hurt worse than anything because now she knew he’d loved her.
Her presence in this room was so real, she swung the chair around half-expecting to find her art supplies still on the credenza. But, no, there wasn’t a trace of them. Instead, she found a small dish filled with gray river stones.
It jarred loose another memory of looking down at her feet covered in cold, rushing water. The smooth, slippery rocks she stood on were gray, dark orange, black, and white. Her dad wasn’t in the tiny slice of a memory, but he might’ve been fishing right nearby.
She couldn’t believe he’d cherished his time with her enough to hold onto the river rocks she’d collected twenty-some years ago.
Next to the bowl, she picked up a slap bracelet. It plucked a chord in her chest, and the vibration went careening through her. Oh, this she remembered well. They’d entered a store. She could feel her little hand engulfed his big, calloused one. While he’d been talking to someone, Phinny had watched three girls with long blond hair standing in front of a display of brightly colored bracelets. Their mom kept saying, “Just one. You each get one.”
The girls had slapped the bracelets onto their wrists, squealing when they did it to each other. Her dad had dropped to a crouch and asked if she wanted one. She hadn’t particularly. That funny feeling in her chest was because she’d wanted to be part of the trio. She’d been an only child. Oh, man, she’d forgotten just how acutely she’d longed for a sibling, a companion.
So, she’d said, “Yes, please.”
“Go ahead and choose one.”
She’d joined the girls, but they’d ignored her, continuing to slap bracelets on each other’s wrists and laugh. She’d chosen the bright red one with white hearts—but she’d only worn it a few times. She’d forgotten all about it.
But her dad hadn’t.
Hang on a second. If he’d cared so much about her that he’d saved everything, then why the hell had he let her go so easily? So what if she’d thrown a tantrum that summer? Why hadn’t he come to see her? Something’s not adding up.
Tina had told her to check his email account, that she’d get her answers there. Quickly, she turned the chair back around and jostled the mouse. As the screen came to life, she noticed pressed flowers under the glass that protected the desk. She couldn’t help the smile that burst from her heart.
“Let’s go pick flowers.”
Holding hands, she and her dad had tromped through fields of wildflowers, picking a few and sticking them in a glass on the kitchen table. Once, she’d been eating, and she’d noticed a little black bug crawling on a petal. She’d flipped out. Screaming, begging her dad to kill it.
Instead, he’d let the beetle crawl over his finger. It waddled like someone late for work on High Street, dodging in and out of pedestrian traffic. She’d calmed down, laughed, and asked if she could hold it.
Wow. The block of ice in the shape of Kurt melted, and affection flooded her.
He was a good man.
A really good man.
“Hey.” Declan leaned into the room.
From the way she jolted, he probably thought he’d caught her doing something bad. “Tina left it open for me. She told me to come in here.”
“I know. I talked to her.” He quickly scanned the room, his eyes widening when he saw the paintings on the wall and the photos on the desk. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’ll leave you to it.” Just like that, he was gone.
“I’m not.” Her heart thundered. Please come back. Do this with me.
A second passed, two, three…and then he reappeared in the doorway. He watched her with concern.
She didn’t want to freak him out with her messy emotions, but she needed his strength and comfort now more than she’d ever need another favor. “Will you stay with me?”
“Yeah, of course.” He walked right up the desk, lingering as if waiting to see where she wanted him.
"Bring a chair over.” She clicked on the email icon. “Tina wants me to look at a folder he kept.”
He couldn’t fit his long legs between the chair and the desk, so he angled it.
Let me just sit on your lap. “We should switch seats. My legs are shorter.” And then maybe in the exchange, she could accidentally fall onto him, and he’d have no choice but to hug her.
He waved the idea away. “What’s in it?”
“I don’t know. We’re about to find out.” With her brain revving, it was hard to scroll through the list. Scanning alphabetically, she didn’t see her name.
Declan pointed. “There.”
My Phinny. She drew in a sharp breath. A tremor rocked through her body at the sweet endearment. She opened the folder.
It contained one single email.
From her mum.
He started to get up. “I’ll let you read this alone.”
She grabbed his arm. “No, please. Don’t leave me.” She didn’t care anymore about being a hot mess. She just needed him.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here.” And then he stood, giving her a chin nod. Get up.
He took her seat, cupped her hips, and guided her ass right onto his lap. Oh, this man.
He sees me.
He gets me.
And he’s okay with everything about me.
And it gave her the courage to read her mum’s letter.
You’re being selfish. Can’t you see that? I know you mean well but can’t you see the cost of these visits to her? She’s inconsolable knowing she has to leave her home and her mummy to fly five thousand miles just to stay on that godforsaken ranch where there’s nothing to do and no familiar faces. She’s had enough upheaval in her life, moving from Boston to Wyoming to London. Children crave routine. They need stability in order to thrive.
She doesn’t want to fish and hike and all those dirty boy things that push her so completely out of her element. By insisting on your custodial rights, you’re making her miss out on what every child truly wants and deserves: a family. Andrew and I can give her that. Please, Kurt, think about the future. The older she gets, the more settled she’ll become in her activities. She’ll want to go on holiday with her friends, and she’ll grow to resent having to visit a father who lives across the world that she only sees once or twice a year.
Do you really want her to spend one holiday with you, and the next with us? In the end, I truly believe this will ruin our precious little girl, and I beg you to let her go so I can give her the kind of healthy, stable home life that will turn her into the good, strong woman I know you want her to be.
If you truly love her, you’ll give her the home and the stability she deserves.
Phinny couldn’t move. She could barely get her lungs to pull in a breath.
Long after reading her mum’s letter, she remained still. If not for the warmth of Declan’s body, she might shatter like glass on a hot stove. Her spine was so rigid, it would snap if she shifted. Emotion boiled inside her body, foam rising, ready to spill over.
And then he slid his arms through hers, wrapped them around her waist and set his chin on her shoulder. “It’s okay. You can break all over me.”