“I think you’re amazing too.” I lean in, unable to hold myself back any longer. “And beautiful doesn’t come close to describing how utterly stunning you are.” I clasp her face in my hands, pleased her skin is warm to the touch, and lower my eyes to her luscious lips.
I need to kiss her, hold her, love her.
I can’t restrain myself any longer.
My heart is going crazy as I line our mouths up, keeping my gaze fixed on her. She grips my shoulders, and her touch seeps soul-deep. Adrenaline courses through my veins as I move to close the gap between our lips, ready to properly kiss her for the first time, when she pushes on my shoulders and twists her head so my lips brush against her cheekbone instead.
“We can’t, Vander.” Her eyes flood with compassion as she drops her hands to her lap.
My hands lower to my sides. “Why not?” I grind my teeth to the molars. “Your husband isn’t loyal, so what difference does it make?”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Why can’t you just take something for yourself? I want you, and you want me. How can that be wrong?”
“You deserve more than I can offer, and you’re too young to be dragged into my mess.”
“That’s not your decision to make, and my age is irrelevant. Love doesn’t discriminate. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about our ages. All that matters is how we feel.”
“It’s not that simple, and I can’t be selfish. You have enough on your plate already.”
“Again, that’s not your call to make, and there isn’t a single fucking selfish bone in your body. My life is already a shit show. I’ve confided enough in you over the years for you to understand that.” She doesn’t know the half of it, and right now, I’m glad I sheltered her from the worst of it. She is still hiding from her feelings, and I’m beginning to think I will never be able to get through to her. “You’re the only bright spark in my existence. The only person who makes it easy to forget the chaos.” I wind my fingers through her hair and force her gaze to mine. “Why can’t love be enough? Fuck everything else.”
She shakes her head, removing my hands from her hair. “Starting something could hurt a lot of people, including us, and the truth is, I’m too confused right now, Vander.” Strain is etched upon her gorgeous face, radiating from her azure eyes as she pleads with me for understanding I’m not sure I can give her. “I can’t make sense of anything I’m feeling, and I can’t give you what you want.”
“Can you at least admit you feel something for me?”
She worries her lower lip between her teeth again, and I beseech her with my eyes. I need her to give me something. I need some hope to cling to because the next few months won’t be easy. Dad could figure out what I’m up to and ruin all of my carefully laid plans.
I have few good things in my life.
If I have to give up my dream of being with Kendall, I don’t know how I’ll cope.
I need her. Like I know she needs me. No one will ever convince me there is anything wrong with that.
Her features soften as she touches my cheek. “I do have feelings for you, Vander.” Her lips part, and her tongue peeks out. “Feelings I shouldn’t have but I’m struggling to fight.”
My heart swells and butterflies swoop into my belly. “Don’t think, baby.” I rest my brow against hers as my hands land carefully on her slim waist. “Just feel. Be selfish for once, and take something for you.”
Her arms go around me as she pulls me into a hug. I hold her tight, inhaling her spicy floral scent and marveling at how incredible it feels to finally have her in my arms. She buries her nose in my hair, and I have a sense she’s doing the same as me. Absorbing it all. Committing it to memory. Swallowing it like the most tempting nectar. “I care about you too much to be selfish,” she whispers in my ear, still clinging to me. “I care about you enough to not ruin your future.” Easing back, she stares at me with fresh tears in her eyes. “I’m a basket case right now, and I won’t drag anyone else down with me.”
Shucking out of my hold, she stands, taking the portfolio from the table and closing it. She hands it to me. “You have a goal, and I know everything hinges on you getting accepted into the art program at Yale. Your father can’t force you to follow in his footsteps, but he can try to stop you pursuing your dream.” She kneels in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “You are so talented, and I want this for you. That’s why I can’t distract you. You need to focus on your future.”
I set the portfolio back on the table. “You could never be a distraction.” I squeeze her hands, loving how small and soft they feel against my larger palms and rougher skin. “You are one of the few people who support my dreams. I need you, Kendall,” I add in a whisper. “Having you by my side would help me to maintain focus. Right now, I’m going crazy thinking about you all the time.” I brush my thumb along her lower lip, as my mouth curves into a smirk. “Really, when you think about it, you can’t not be with me.” I waggle my brows. “You’re a much bigger distraction when I can’t have you.”
She laughs, unable to contain her grin. “Nice try, but I’m not buying it.” Her grin softens to a smile as she removes her hand from mine and climbs to her feet. “I live with two teenagers. You can’t manipulate this woman.”
I stand, looming over her. “That’s not what I’m doing. There’s a difference between enticing and manipulation. I would never manipulate you. It’s not my style.” I place my hands on her hips and move closer. “Just give us a chance. No labels. No commitments. We do this and see where it takes us.”
She steps back, shaking her head. “No, Vander. I know what it’s like to lose your dream. I won’t stand in the way of yours. You need to put me out of your mind and focus on getting into the art program at Yale.” She slips on her shoes. “I shouldn’t have come here. It’s not fair to dump all of this in your lap.”
I fold my arms over my chest as irritation prickles at my skin. She won’t even fucking consider it, and I still know shit. “You haven’t dumped anything in my lap. You haven’t told me a damn thing.”
“It’s better you don’t know.” She moves to unzip my hoodie, but I stop her.
As quick as it flared, my anger fades. I don’t want her to leave. “Don’t go. Please stay.” I shouldn’t have gotten all heavy with her. It was selfish of me to go there, and I wish I could rewind and steer the conversation on a different path.
“I want to. I truly do. But it’s best I leave. I don’t trust myself right now, and I’m not going to mess up our lives by doing something we would both end up regretting.”
Speak for yourself. There is nothing I could do with her that I would ever regret. But I know when to shut my mouth. Nothing else I say will sway her, and there’s no use trying.
She yanks the zipper down, preparing to remove my hoodie, but I shake my head. “Keep it. It’s freezing out.” I swipe my keys from the counter. “And it’s late. I’ll drive you home.”
“It’s only a five-minute walk, and I’m a grown woman.”