And I can’t quite seem to shake those feelings, even after we say our goodbyes and head back across the river to Allegheny West.
When we make it back to our building, I follow Harlow as we pass the door to my unit. I’ve been staying at her place every night when I’m in town, mainly because of Odin. She pulls out her keys and unlocks the door. When we enter, Odin comes up for a greeting.
After the appropriate amount of scratches, Harlow takes off her coat and hangs it on the rack.
“You were so quiet on the way home,” she says lightly as she puts her purse and keys on a small table. “Feeling okay?”
I stand there, not sure how to answer that question. I don’t feel okay. Somehow that simple dinner with her parents has made me doubt things.
When I don’t answer, she tips her head. “You going to take off your coat and stay awhile?”
I should take off the fucking coat and put all these crappy thoughts out of my head. I should take Harlow in my arms and kiss her, knowing that her taste alone will drive the darkness out.
Instead, I take a slight step back and put my hands in the pockets of my coat.
“Actually, I think I’m going to go out and get a drink, if you don’t mind?”
It was perhaps the dumbest thing I could’ve said. I can see it in her expression… wariness and suspicion.
Not suspicion that I’m off to meet someone else, but she is now skeptical of whether I want to be with her. She has every right to be, because up until this moment, I have a hard time keeping my hands off her anytime we’re together. Whether it’s to strip her naked or to just hug her, I have become utterly enchanted with giving and receiving affection from Harlow.
The mere fact I want to go somewhere else is a red flag. That I told her I want to get a drink is a slap in the face.
And I think I meant for her to get both of those things.
Something hardens in Harlow’s eyes, and she crosses her arms over her chest. “What’s wrong with you?”
I’m immediately defensive. “Nothing’s wrong with me. Can’t I have a bit of time to myself?”
It’s classic deflection. Turning my problems back on to her. Making her the bad guy.
Harlow’s too smart for that. She’s never going to put up with that shit. “Try again, Stone. Something’s up your butt, and I want to know what it is. You’re not the type to just go cold on me like this. The truth.”
The defensiveness melts away, and I have no fight left. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still spooked as shit by the prospect of committing to Harlow. The expectations on me are now incredibly high, and I don’t know if I can reach them.
I also know I have to be honest with her, so I boil down my issues. “I don’t know if I’m good for you.”
Harlow’s expression softens, and she makes a step for me. I hold up my hands to stop her and shake my head. “Let me get this out. I need to get this out, so you know where I’m coming from.”
Harlow’s expression pinches with worry, but she steps back. “Okay. You can tell me anything, you know.”
I nod, deciding to take a page from my brother’s book. “I know I can. Just as I know you will understand when I tell you that I feel like my world is constantly shifting underneath me, and I can’t get my balance. And while you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, you’re also the one who’s knocking me the most off balance.”
“I see,” she murmurs.
I shake my head. “I don’t think you really do. You know the surface stuff. You know what my family is like and the problems I’ve had. You see a guy who isn’t quite like my brother, but that I’ve got potential.”
“You’ve got more than potential, Stone. You’re an amazing man.”
I shake my head hard, because she’s not getting it. I look at her with a tortured expression. “You don’t get it… I think I am more like my father than I am the man you need me to be. When we were just at dinner, I was getting angry about your brother. I was wondering why he couldn’t get his head out of his ass and be a better person. I was angry at your parents for not doing more to make him grow up. I was even angry at your dad for not doing something to help you stay with his firm. All this is completely ridiculous, but I realize that I am so trained by my father to try to control everything, I don’t know if I’ve got the ability to be understanding of what other people are going through.”
“That’s not true. You were understanding of Brooks and even understanding of what I go through with alcohol.”
“Sympathy, Harlow. But I don’t know if I can understand it. In the long run, I always want to be able to support you, no matter what. But Christ, I’m pissed at your parents for their parenting, which is completely fucked up because they raised an amazing daughter. What type of person does that make me?”
Harlow motions toward her living room. “Maybe if we sit down—”
“No. I don’t want to talk about this. I’m confident I’ll eventually ruin what we have. I didn’t have a good role model. Things are new and fresh with us, so things are easy. I don’t know how to be truly supportive when the going gets rough. I don’t think I can do this relationship because I’m pretty sure that failure and disaster are coming, and it’s going to be completely my fault because I don’t know how to do this.”
Harlow comes toward me, and I hold my ground. She steps right into me and puts her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look at her. “You’re having a moment, Stone. It’s bound to happen. The past hasn’t been kind to you, but you have to push past it. I know you can.”
I wrap my hands around her wrists and pull them away from me, holding them in place. “You have a faith in me that isn’t deserved, Harlow. You don’t even really know me.”
Disappointment fills her eyes. She pulls her hands free and steps backward. “If I told you right now that I was craving a drink, and I absolutely needed to have one, and that I was going to do it no matter what you told me… would you think the worst of me?”
“I don’t know.”
I can tell by the look on her face that’s exactly what she expected. I know she was hoping that I would say without a doubt that I will always support her, but I don’t trust enough in my values to give her that. My father didn’t give me reliable values by which to live. He made me look out only for myself.
Her voice is so soft, I can barely hear it. “I am far from perfection. As wonderful as my life is, it can get ugly and messy at times. I can handle it on my own. I don’t need you. But if you are standing by my side, I need to know you’ve got my back. Forget everything else that you were just talking about, everything that is plaguing you right now. If you can’t emphatically state that you would have my back no matter what… no matter how ugly things got… then I need you to walk away from me.”
Those words shock me. Because when I walked into her condo a few minutes ago, I had intended to walk away from her. All that ugly doubt and judgment felt like an oily sludge within my veins, and I was determined to walk away.
Instead, she’s telling me to go. She’s making the decision because she is assured of what she wants and needs, whereas I’m not sure about anything.