I stare at her a long moment, memorizing the way she looks right now. Crushed and disappointed. I’m used to people feeling that way about me, so I’m not sure why it hurts so much. But I deserve it.
I nod, accepting the way things are.
I turn for the door and when my hand hits the knob, she says, “This has nothing to do with you and me, but don’t ever forget… even when you are having a moment of weakness, you can never forget that you still have strength.”
I don’t dare turn around to look at her. It would only make me feel more ashamed. I walk out and close the door behind me.
And I know I’ve just lost the most incredible thing I’ve ever had in my life.
CHAPTER 25
Harlow
I finish reading the psychological evaluation that my client, Tonya Hillman, underwent two weeks ago. She’s right now my most important case, and she happens to be my favorite client. Tonya went through a few years of incredible darkness, which included a heroin addiction. In that time, she lost custody of her three-year-old son Charlie, who was put in foster care. Tonya fell so hard and fast out of normalcy, she spent over a year homeless, sleeping on the streets or on friends’ couches and doing horrible things for her drug fix.
But she’s a different person today. She went voluntarily into rehab, finally acknowledging the pain of losing her son was worth the fight to overcome her addiction.
Unfortunately, by the time she completed rehab, got a steady job, and was able to save some money to hire me, the courts were already deep into the process of finalizing adoption papers for her son with his foster family.
Tonya hired me to stop that process and get him back.
That case is moving slowly through the courts. The psychological evaluation had to be made. Tonya has to meet certain milestones. She has to prove her sobriety is here to stay, and she won’t be getting full custody back until she’s able to show a long pattern of sober behavior.
But for now, we need to stop the adoption.
There will be a huge hearing in a few weeks during which I’ll present all the necessary case law to support Tonya’s case. Pennsylvania fortunately favors birth parents, so we have a leg up. I was even able to get the court to grant visitation rights, and for the last three months, Tonya has been able to see Charlie twice a week for two hours at a time, supervised, of course. I decided to come into the office today to go over my research and work on my memorandum of law that I’ll be submitting to the court. It’s not due until the hearing date, but I needed something to take my mind off Stone. There’s nothing better than concentrating on my most important case.
It’s disturbingly quiet in the office, but that’s a Saturday for you. The phones aren’t ringing, and I don’t hear Bonita’s laughter out in the reception area. I even left Odin home because I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to dive into Tonya’s case, let myself get sucked down into the fulfillment of making the justice system work for the ordinary person, and forget about how badly Stone hurt me.
I was blindsided last night by his revelation that he couldn’t be the man for me. I don’t understand how I could’ve misjudged him so badly. Was I perhaps focused too much on what I loved about Brooks in him?
None of what he told me as he stood in my foyer made sense. How could he take everything we’ve been building through weeks of friendship, and most recently deep intimacy, and throw it all away because he got a little spooked? Because he doesn’t understand how my parents aren’t more upset that Brian isn’t doing something with his life? Or that my dad didn’t strong-arm me into staying with the firm?
It’s all bullshit. I know damn well the real Stone Dumelin doesn’t care about things like Brian being a playboy, and I sure as hell know that he knows how much I love my career just as it is. I’m hoping when he thinks about it, he’ll understand it was bullshit too. It was a moment of fear, and I can be okay with that.
I have a much deeper knowledge and understanding of weakness than I’d like.
Christ, the minute he walked out that door, I wanted to drink. My mouth literally filled with saliva at the thought of slamming a few shots of vodka. I hate that he did that to me. I loathe it even more that I let him become a weak moment.
Even when you are having a moment of weakness, you can never forget that you still have strength.
I told him that last night before he walked out. I had to keep repeating that mantra to myself so I wouldn’t go to the liquor store and drown my sorrows. I haven’t wanted to drink like that since Brooks died, and last night it felt a bit like Stone was permanently lost to me too.
What I did do instead was oogle the closest AA meeting, get my coat, and walk right back out the door. There wasn’t one at the local church hall, but I found one about twenty minutes away. And it did its job because by the time I left, I felt more in control.
I didn’t have the greatest sleep last night, although cuddling Odin certainly helped. But when I woke this morning, I knew I had to do something to take my mind off things. Thus, I am here getting lost in Tonya’s case. I’m happy to report that my desperate need to drown my sorrows in alcohol is gone, the AA meeting having strengthened my resolve.
This morning all I needed to do was look in the mirror and remind myself that my determination to stay sober is greater than any pain someone could inflict upon me.
It’s working, for now.
Am I still devastated over what happened last night?
I am.
Do I think things are hopeless?
I don’t.
In the bright light of day, I remember one very important thing.
Stone is a strong man. He’s overcome so much, and I refuse to believe that he’s going to let this moment of doubt ruin things between us. My game plan is to lie low and hope he comes to his senses.
And if he doesn’t… I’ll deal with the pain and disappointment later.
For now, I have Tonya Hillman’s case to keep me busy.
I dive deep into legal research online, thanks to a company called LexisNexis who has digitized all the research books an attorney could ever want or need. I was never the strongest researcher, and half the time I would hand it off to a law clerk, but that was back when I worked in a big fancy firm and had law clerks to do my research.
Now I have to do it myself, and it’s not my favorite part of the job.
My phone rings and I consider ignoring it, but I recognize the ringtone as my neighbor Natalie. She’s my unit two neighbor, and her wife Liz is pregnant and very close to her due date, so I wonder right away if that’s why she’s calling.
“What’s up, Natalie? Is it time?” I ask as soon as the line connects.
Natalie sighs with heavy frustration. “Not time. We got sidetracked by some Braxton Hicks contractions last night, but so far, the little nugget doesn’t want to come out.”
“Then may I suggest you two go for a very long walk today? I know it’s cold this morning, but you can bundle up.”
The temperatures dropped to freezing last night in a weird cold front that came through western Pennsylvania. It’s supposed to warm up this afternoon, though, into the sixties.
“We’ll definitely do that, but that’s not why I’m calling. I wanted to let you know that I just came in from the grocery store, and there was a man and woman waiting outside of our building. They said they were Stone’s parents here to visit him, and he wasn’t answering the intercom. I let them in, and they’re waiting outside his door. He doesn’t seem to be home.”