“I do remember one.”
My brow lifted. “And?”
“Whoreannosaurus.”
I spit out my wine. “Oh my God, like Tyrannosaurus, but a whore.”
“I’m sorry. You asked.”
“No. It’s all good. It was fitting for me, I suppose. I deserved it.”
Her tone softened. “Knowing what I know now about your mom…it explains a lot.”
I took another sip of wine and nodded. “There’s no doubt I acted out because of my anger toward her. That’s no excuse, though. Things only got worse after I actually met her. In some ways, it was easier when she basically didn’t exist.”
“You have every right to feel hurt about what she did.”
“Maybe, but sometimes I feel like I should just let it go. She’s dead, for Christ’s sake.”
“We don’t always get to choose what we hang on to.”
I pinned her with a look. “Like your hatred for me.”
“That wasn’t what I was referring to.”
“I know. I understand what you’re saying.” I exhaled. “Not having a mother shaped my entire life. It shaped my perception of myself…my perception of women.”
Aspyn tilted her head. “In what ways?”
“Well, I guess her not wanting me made me feel…unlovable. At the same time, it’s why I don’t look at relationships with women as permanent. Like, ‘don’t you dare get attached to someone who will leave like your mother did, Troy.’ It’s messed-up shit.”
She stared at me for a few seconds. “But you must know on some level that not all women leave.”
“Yeah, but it’s hard to trust that, I guess.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I must sound like such a pussy.” I sighed. “First the cookies, now this.”
“No. You don’t. I’m liking this conversation. It’s honest and showing me a side of you I never knew existed.”
“Don’t encourage me. I might keep you up all night unloading my screwed-up shit. Or start crying or something.” I raised my forehead. “Wait—would that earn me a trust point?”
“Don’t push your luck.” She smiled. “Seriously, though, I don’t mind listening. It’s good to talk it out.”
I looked up at the sky. “I don’t know, Aspyn. I also worry that maybe I’m more like my mother than I want. Part of why it’s so important to get you to trust me is to confirm whether it’s safe to trust myself. I don’t want to be the type of person who flies through life hurting people.”
She nodded. “It’s amazing how much our parents shape us, whether they’re around or not.”
“Your upbringing was pretty normal though, right? You mentioned your parents are still together and everything.”
She downed the last of her drink. “My dad…”
“What about him?”
“My parents are still together, but my father hasn’t been faithful to my mother. He’s strayed more than once.”
“Your mom continues to stay with him, even though he’s cheated?”
“Yeah.” She frowned. “I think after Ashlyn died, she couldn’t bear to break the family apart any more. So she’s put up with a lot. But the issues with my father started years before that.”
A lightbulb went on. “Might that have anything to do with why you went ballistic on me after I cheated on Jasmine?”
Aspyn rested the tip of her finger at the corner of her mouth and pondered my question. “I never really thought about that… But yeah, that very well could have had something to do with why I reacted so intensely.”
“It’s interesting that we can look back now on our behavior as kids and see the deeper meaning behind certain things.” I lifted the bottle. “You want some more?”
Aspyn held up her palm. “I’d better not.”
“You’re so disciplined.”
“I’m picky about what I put in my body, yeah.”
“I’m not gonna touch that one.” Of course, my dirty mind had to go there.
She blushed.
“Speaking of which…find anything good on the dating app lately?” I asked.
Aspyn rolled her eyes. “Nice segue.”
“I thought so.”
“No, actually. I’m taking a break from it after Brian.”
“Brian would be enough to scare me off it for a while, too.”
“What about you? Any good ass for you on there lately?”
Sadly, the only ass I’d been thinking about was Aspyn’s, but I wouldn’t confess that tonight.
“I haven’t actually matched with anyone since you picked me.”
“Oh, yeah…I picked you.”
“Accidentally or intentionally, it happened. Still not quite sure how someone drops a phone and swipes right at the same time. But whatever.” I winked. “I guess you have mad skills.”
Her face turned red again.
“You okay?” I asked. “You seem flustered.”
“I’m fine.” She attempted to take another sip of her wine, forgetting that her glass was empty.
I held up the bottle again. “Will you please let me pour you the last of this?”
She conceded, sliding her glass over to me.
I watched her sip as she gazed up at the dark night sky. We finally seemed to be getting comfortable, but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. Especially since tonight had been a lot.
Turning to her, I forced the words out. “I probably should go…”
Aspyn set her glass down. “Okay…”
Alrighty then. I was hoping she’d try to convince me to stay, but once again, she apparently couldn’t wait to get rid of me. But I sensed it was a little different this time. Maybe she thought she’d opened up too much. I couldn’t figure it out. She’d seemed to be enjoying my company. All I knew was that I could have stayed here all night talking to her.
I stood from my seat. “Well, it was a pleasure…”
She got up. “A pleasure? After what happened tonight? Liar.”
“I had a really good time, Aspyn.” I made sure to look her straight in the eyes so she could see I was being sincere. “It’s not often I open up like this. It felt good. Thank you for listening.”
She broke the eye contact, looking down at her feet. “Thank you again for making me the cookies. The fact that the first person besides my mother to bake anything for me is you is pretty funny.”
“You want me to make them again?”
“No! Not necessary.” She laughed.
I chuckled. “I’m gonna try to make them better next time. They’re a work in progress.”
She walked me back inside and to the front door before we faced each other one last time.
“Well…goodnight, Aspyn.”
She smiled. “’Night, Troy.”
I walked out, and rather than hearing the door slam behind me, this time Aspyn stood waiting as I got into my car.
After I started the engine, I lifted my hand in a wave, and she waved back. Something in my chest moved. A muscle? My heart? I didn’t know what it was, nor was I willing to acknowledge that it had something to do with the woman who seemed to be infiltrating my mind twenty-four-seven lately.