I met his gaze squarely, my mind a tangle of heartbreak for what I’d put him through, fear that it might be too late, and a tentative, cautious hope that he and I might transform our friendship into something even more precious.
“It’s not unrequited. It’s you and me, Jules. Always.”
I could see the rapid up and down of his chest. Jules was as riled up as I was, and I knew him well enough to know it wasn’t all anger.
“Don’t do this,” he begged. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
I moved even closer until one of my legs was between his. The warmth of his thigh against mine made the hair stand up on my legs. “What if I do?”
“You’re just upset about Er—”
“Don’t do that, Jules. Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. I can assure you the only person I’m thinking about right now is in this room.”
I noticed a slight tremor in Julian’s body, and I was torn between soothing him and provoking him further.
“Is this you being weird about Rocco?” Jules asked with a slight desperate tone to his voice.
“Who’s Rocco?”
Julian’s hands clutched the front of my hoodie. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to keep me from moving away or moving closer.
“The guy. The Grindr guy,” he said. “Because you get weird when I want to hook up with guys.”
Yeah. Yeah I did. And I’d been so fucking blind about what that meant.
“You don’t want to hook up with him,” I said, mostly to convince myself. “You sent him away.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have,” he said, lifting his chin. “Maybe I should have invited him…” The movement of his chin brought our noses together in the lightest brush of skin on skin. Julian’s breath hitched.
“No.” My voice sounded strange in my ears. “No you shouldn’t have.”
Jules finally pushed me away, shoving me hard. Now he was legit angry. “Damn you, Parker. Why now, huh? Why now, when I’d finally started reconciling myself to the fact that you were never going to love me? When I’d finally decided to move on and find someone who could be mine?”
“Because you have someone who’s yours already,” I corrected, stalking across the room after him. “Me. And I do love you.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. I want someone who… who sneaks into my room at night to do more than cuddle.” His chin was firm and defiant, and I noticed his hands were balled in fists at his side.
I stepped closer. “I can do that.” I smiled fiercely. “I very much want to do that.”
Julian’s eyes widened. “No you can’t. You’re straight, remember?”
“No,” I said without any doubt.
Now the wide eyes were almost comical. He swallowed and backed into the rough-hewn log wall behind him. “What are you talking about? What the hell’s gotten into you?”
I resisted making a joke. Nerves were starting to sneak in, and the easiest thing to do would have been joking it all away.
“I love you,” I said in a voice I wasn’t proud of. It sounded almost as terrified as I felt.
“I know that.”
“No. I mean… I… I…”
“Oh, god, Parks. Don’t say anything you can’t take back.”
He was right. For Julian and me, there would be no on-again off-again. There would be no breaking up and getting back together.
To me, nothing had ever sounded so right.
But I understood that Julian would be harder to convince.
“Don’t tell me what I mean. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very, very long time.”
His jaw clenched. “You want to know what it’s like to kiss a dude? Fine. I’m calling your bluff so you can get this fucking whatever-it-is off your mind once and for all.”
He grabbed the front of my hoodie again and twisted me around until my back was the one pressed against the rough wooden wall. Julian’s other hand shot out and gripped me around the throat, pinning me in place, and within a fraction of a second, his lips were on mine.
After a beat of shock, I realized this was it. I was kissing Julian Thick, my best friend, my confidant, the most important human in my life.
And he tasted like everything I’d ever wanted.
I let out a feral sob and reached for the back of his head to keep him from pulling away. Our mouths devoured each other. A loud rushing sound filled my ears, and it almost, almost, drowned out the sound of Julian’s sexy-as-fuck whimper.
His kiss lit me up everywhere in a way I’d never in a million years even fantasized about. My brain oozed into a puddle of useless slop, and my body sang with the need for more. The harsh rasp of his beard scruff, the strong clasp of his fingers on my throat, and the insistent erection pressing against my groin were new sensations.
And they were breathtaking.
“Please,” I begged when he moved his lips off mine. “Don’t fucking stop.”
Julian’s lips quickly moved to my cheek, my jawline, my ear. “Not stopping.”
His teeth grazed my earlobe, and I wondered if I would have sunk to the ground if he hadn’t still been holding onto me.
I grabbed his shoulders, his ass, the back of his thighs, anywhere I could reach to both feel him and also keep him trapped in the cage of my arms. If he suddenly pulled away and stopped all this, I would freak out.
I yanked at his shirt until I could ruck it up enough to get my hands underneath and feel the warm skin of his back. I wanted to slide my fingers down inside the waistband of his pants, but I didn’t dare. At any minute, he was going to decide this was a mistake and call a halt to everything that was delicious and thrilling.
So I savored every minute of it while it lasted. When he moved his kisses down my neck and into the collar of my sweatshirt, I sank my fingers into his hair and whispered words of encouragement. As soon as I realized the bulky hoodie was keeping him from being able to reach the places that would feel the best, I scrambled to remove it and toss it aside.
Julian’s eyes were dazed as he took his fill of my bare chest. The combination of his glassy eyes, flushed face, and messed-up hair was the sexiest fucking thing ever.
I reached for his shirt and pulled it up over his head before wrapping my arms around him again and bringing our bare chests together. It felt amazing. Weird and different, but hot as fuck.
He was tall and strong. His flat chest had hair on it, and I wanted to rub my hands across it to feel the dips and swells of his muscles. Instead, I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him again until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t care. He was the best kisser on the fucking planet, and I needed more.
There would never be enough. I could kiss him every minute for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t be enough.
“What’re we doing?” he gasped between kisses. “Parks. This…” I kissed him again to shut him up, and then I reached my hand down to feel his cock through his pants. If he was going to put a stop to this, I wanted to know what he felt like first.
His groan went all the way down to my dick, and the way he pressed his shaft into my hand, almost against his will, was intoxicating.
“Want this,” I murmured against his lips. “Want you.”