“And nothing.” He laughed as if it was no big deal. As if it wasn’t the biggest deal. “I didn’t pass muster. I let down the entire male gender. Apparently the experience was enough to turn him off men forever.”
“Until today,” Mikey added with a little bit of smug satisfaction.
I blew out a breath and collapsed on a barstool. “He’s confused. He doesn’t know what he wants.”
Tiller eyed me. “You sure about that? Because I can’t imagine he’d let himself go there if he wasn’t sure.”
Sam stood up to get another beer out of the fridge. “Presumably he got hard, yeah?”
My face heated. Even thinking about Parker getting hard for me made my stomach squirm. “Yeah, but who doesn’t get hard when someone rubs them off?”
All the men in the room gave various reactions, but Mikey’s giggle was the most obnoxious. “Straight guys don’t let you rub them off, Jules. They shove you away.”
“Parker would never shove me away,” I huffed. “He’s too nice. He cares about me too much to hurt my feelings.”
“But I think that’s Tiller’s point. Wouldn’t Parker have thought about that before he let anything happen?” Truman finished eating something wrapped in bacon before sliding the tray my way. “I don’t understand why you two don’t just get together. You love him. He’s said a million times he loves you. Why not try?”
I buried my face in my hands. It’s not that easy, I wanted to say.
Tiller answered for me. “They have a lot of history. They’ve been best friends for a very long time, and I get why Julian’s scared that changing things would mess that up.”
Truman thought about it for a minute. “But isn’t it already messed up?”
Mikey nudged the plate of appetizers closer to me until I took one and popped it in my mouth. The salty flavor of the bacon reminded me of the BLTs we’d had for lunch. I tried not to let the thought get me down. There had to be a global rule about not crying when eating bacon.
Tiller continued. “When Parker was six, he didn’t have anything to eat for lunch and was too embarrassed to ask for a free school sandwich. Julian figured it out and passed him half of his own sandwich.”
“It was peanut butter crackers,” I muttered, reaching for another bite. Inside the bacon were water chestnuts, and they were surprisingly addictive.
Tiller ignored me. “It happened more than once, so they ended up sitting together at lunch and becoming friends. Then one day when a couple of guys were bullying Jules, Parker defended him and got into trouble with the school and his parents.”
I remembered the red welt on Parker’s arm from where one guy had clipped him with a backpack strap while swinging it wildly at him.
“Julian’s parents were so grateful there was someone bigger to help defend Jules that they encouraged Jules to invite Parker over to the house to have pizza and play video games.”
I lifted my head up and met his eyes. “You’re leaving out the part where you came over to play games, too.”
Tiller shook his head. “Not that time. I didn’t start coming over until fifth grade. When Harbo Morris asked me to find out whether Hazel liked him or not.”
I let out a snort. “That’s a name from the past.”
“Anyway,” Tiller continued. “By then, you two were thick as thieves, did everything together, and practically lived in each other’s pockets.”
It was true. But we’d still welcomed Tiller into our crew and then Erin a year later when she and Hazel became tight.
Sam interrupted. “Your parents love him. Tiller says they treat him like a second son.”
I scraped my upper lip with my teeth. “They learned pretty quickly that his own parents were shit.”
Tiller reached over to squeeze my shoulder. “Total shit. They weren’t even poor, is the thing. Just incredibly, horribly neglectful. They both had jobs that took precedence over Parker’s welfare. But instead of hiring someone else to care for him in their place, they simply forgot about him.”
I slumped again with my chin on my hand. “That’s putting it mildly.”
Tiller glanced at Mikey. “It’s one of the reasons I wanted to retire sooner rather than later. I don’t want to focus on my career to the detriment of my family and personal happiness.”
Mikey’s smile was so tender and affectionate, it made my chest tighten. I wanted that. I’d always wanted it. But the problem was… I’d always wanted it with one specific person.
And he was off-limits. At least… he always had been. If Parker was no longer off-limits, what did that mean for our future?
Tiller was still talking. “Then Jules was in a really bad car accident after college, and you would have thought Parker’s heart was being torn out of his chest. I will never forget the sound he made when he got that phone call.” He shuddered. “To this day, Parker is insane about drunk driving.”
I’d never heard this before. “He made a sound?”
“He made us swear never to tell you, but it’s been long enough now it probably doesn’t matter,” Tiller continued.
It mattered. It mattered to me a great deal. “I knew he was upset…”
Tiller rubbed his chin. “Jules… he was… he was traumatized. When the doctor told him you were in critical condition, the blood drained from his face so quickly, I thought he was going to pass out. When he got off the phone, he made a sound that made the hairs stick up all over my body. I thought for sure someone had died. Then he bolted.” He let out a humorless laugh. “He was barefoot. We had to run after him and drag him back in. We’d been kicking back drinking a few beers and playing video games when the call came in. I was in town during the off-season, so we’d all gotten together a few nights in a row.”
Mikey reached across the counter to refill my wineglass. “I remember it, too. You called me that night to ask if I thought he should fly out there, too, even though you was supposed to be reporting back to Houston for team commitments.”
I took a sip of wine and let the cool, sweet flavor sit on my tongue for a beat before swallowing it. “I remember waking up and seeing Parker there. He was holding my hand. Looked like shit.”
This was too much. I didn’t want to relive the injuries I’d sustained and the long recovery I’d had to endure afterward. And I didn’t need more evidence of how much Parker loved me because I already knew. I knew I was the most important person in his life—even more important than Erin.
I’d always known he wasn’t head over heels in love with her, and I’d had the sense he didn’t tell her nearly as much as he told me, but I’d still thought… I’d still expected things would change once they were married. It was why I’d planned on coming here and wallowing this week.
I glanced up at my friends, the one who’d been with me for years and the ones who’d become close more recently. They were good men, the best. “Not to sound cheesy, but there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Parker sees me as his safety net. I worry he’s grasping at me right now out of fear. Losing Erin would make him feel like he might lose Rod and Lorraine. If there’s one thing Parker craves, it’s stability and family. He’s probably terrified, and he’s clinging to me out of fear, not love.”