Her eyes filled with tears, and I felt like an asshole. I couldn’t comfort her the way I had in the past, with kisses and sex and easy promises. I no longer had any desire to. So I was at a loss.
I sighed and patted her arm gently. “Look, it’ll be okay. We’ll sort everything out.” I made a mental note to ask the desk clerk for an itemized bill, along with a recommendation on where to get passport photos. “But please promise me you’ll be more careful in the future, okay? And maybe avoid guys who can’t use your full name.”
“I swear I will.” She reached out to grab my hand and hold it between her own. They were small and light, strange to hold after the strong grip of Julian’s larger ones. “I’m ready to come home.”
“I bet. We’ll go to the embassy and get you a new passport first thing in the morning. As soon as we have it, we can hop on a plane.”
She gave me a tremulous smile. “And you’ll forgive me? And we’ll be okay?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. You did the right thing by calling off the wedding. And you and I will always be friends. Promise.” I’d meant to reassure her, but as soon as I’d spoken the words, her chin wobble returned.
“But what about our wedding?”
“Our…” I shook my head blankly, sure I’d heard wrong. “What?”
“See, I spent all last night thinking about you and me,” she said in a rush. “I’ve taken you for granted, Parker. I’ve been so unfair to you. Talking about searching for enlightenment and trying to expand my consciousness. God, you must think I’m so stupid. I keep pushing you away when you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. But I get that now. And when we go home, things will be different. We’ll get married for real this time, no more cold feet. And we’ll settle down in Vail or Denver or wherever, and we’ll start our new life. It will all be perfect.”
I wasn’t sure exactly what to say.
I’d spent a lot of time on my endless flights thinking about Erin and me also. But my conclusions could not have been more drastically different than hers.
Our friends figured I was able to get through to Erin better than anyone because she and I were so in love. I’d thought that, too. But even after two days with Jules, I knew better.
Realizing I was in love with Julian had been like tuning the channel on an old radio just a tiny bit so that the song came in clear. He’d always been my best friend, my other half, and now I knew that all along he’d had the potential to be so much more than that, I just hadn’t been able to understand it properly.
What I had with Erin had never been like that, even on our best days. We liked each other. We loved each other. We were incredibly good at distracting each other. But the reason we kept coming back to each other was because what we shared had never been serious enough to threaten my relationship with Julian… and had never forced Erin to make a decision about what she wanted her life to look like. Maybe what kept Erin coming back to me time after time was the fact that I cared enough to ride to her rescue but not enough to make demands of her when I got there.
It was hilarious that Julian and I in two days had already decided where we’d live and started putting down roots in our new town… but Erin couldn’t tell me where our “perfect life” was going to take place once our honeymoon was over.
Erin tilted her head. “You’re smiling. Does that mean we’re okay? Because I was thinking… maybe we could get married here. Arrive back home with it already behind us. Mom and Dad would be relieved, and that way, we don’t have to go through the whole wedding weekend thing again.”
I picked up her hands and kissed the back of them before squeezing them and setting them back on the table. “I love you, so very much. But we’re not meant to be together like that. I know that now. And I think you do, too, but you’re scared. You’re scared of the unknown and of being alone. But you’re not alone. You still have me. You still have your parents, who love you, and all of our friends who think the world of you.”
A tiny crinkle appeared above her eyebrows. “No. Don’t say that. You’re the one for me. You always have been. Even when I’ve fallen for other guys, it’s always been you.”
I shook my head and gave her a soft smile. “You wouldn’t have fallen for those other guys if it was meant to be me. You wouldn’t have kept looking for something better. And right now, you’re looking for safety and comfort. I get it, believe me, I do. But you can have the safety and comfort of our friendship without us marrying.”
She pulled her hands away from mine. “You’re mad at me.”
“Not one single bit. I’m grateful to you. Canceling the wedding was brave, braver than I could have ever been. But it was one of the best things that could have happened to me because it made me realize something important. All this time, I already had a life partner. I just didn’t see it for what it was.”
I took a breath and continued, not wanting to upset her but needing her to understand why the two of us wouldn’t end up together. “But I see it now. And I want it. Erin… I’m in love with Julian.”
She blinked at me uncomprehendingly for a beat before her forehead crinkled even more. “Julian?”
The server delivered my drinks, and I took a long slug of the cocktail before offering it to Erin. She shook her head. “I don’t understand. You and Julian? Like… dating?”
That word was very small for something so big, so incredibly monumental and life-changing. But it was accurate. I nodded. “Yes. And I don’t want to cause you any pain, but loving him has helped me to see that what you and I had wasn’t enough. For either of us. You have a big love out there somewhere, Erin. Someone who’s going to take your breath away, and you’ll wonder how you ever thought this—” I gestured between us. “—could be love. It never was, which is why we kept breaking up and trying again.”
“But Jules… is a guy. And you’re…” She seemed to realize what she was saying. “Are you attracted to him? Like that?”
I nodded, trying not to look like a bobblehead. “Very much so. And I have been attracted to him like that in the past, too. I just pushed it aside because I was scared to mess up the friendship we had. I kept going back to the status quo whenever things started to get too real.”
She hesitated. It was clear she was trying to come to terms with it and was having a hard time. I didn’t blame her. “How could you go from marrying me to dating Jules in less than a week?”
“Okay, first, I know you’re upset, but you don’t get to say his name like that,” I warned her. “Julian loves the hell out of you. He punched me when he thought I’d been the one to break up with you on our wedding day.” I pointed to the mostly faded bruise on my jaw. “And I’m pretty sure he’s jealous as fuck right now, but he encouraged me to fly down here and save you because he wanted me to do the right thing.”
Erin toyed with her fingers, eyes on the table, and said in a small voice, “I love him, too. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah, I figured. But to answer your question… when you left me the way you did, hours before the ceremony, at that fancy hotel, with all our guests waiting—”