After forcing myself to do the dishes and make the bed, I texted Mikey about the meeting later. Then I flopped down on the couch and called my sister back to update her on the situation.
“He’s got a quick layover, but he should get there in around five hours,” I concluded after a quick check of the time. “And he’ll get things figured out. And it’ll be… great.” I thought my cheerful voice sounded fairly believable.
“You’re an idiot,” Hazel said flatly, proving me wrong.
“Me? What?”
“You should know that you weren’t the only person I called this morning. I called Tiller, too.”
“Oh?” I asked innocently.
“Yeah. Oh. And he assumed that I knew about your new relationship status. With Parker.”
I rubbed a hand over my forehead. “Hazel, I was going to tell you—”
“Once you’d run all the calculations and dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s? Which might have happened sometime before you two got matching nursing home assignments?”
“It’s been a matter of days. Like, two.”
“And you’ve been waiting for it for decades. Like, two,” she retorted. “And now it’s finally, finally happened. He loves you back, Jules. Which brings me back to my original point. You’re an idiot.”
“Parker going to Mexico has nothing to do with me and him,” I insisted. “He still loves Erin. Of course he does. They’ve been friends nearly as long as he and I have. So he’s going to help her out as a friend. And I support him.”
“Liar.”
“What?” I sputtered, caught. “Look, I trust Parker, okay? He says he’s in love with me, so he is.”
“I believe that. I believe the hell out of that,” Hazel agreed. “Parker Ellis has thought you personally hung the North Star since you were a first grader, and he’s steered his ship by you ever since. There was only ever the sexual attraction component that prevented you two from being the world’s most scorching couple, and from what Tiller said, Parks managed to wrap his head allllll the way around that little obstacle.”
I felt my face go hot. “Tiller’s a damn gossip.”
“Tiller also said he’s never seen either one of you look as happy, as settled, as you did the other night.”
“Really?” I swallowed hard, chest tight.
“Really. So I’m wondering, Julian, how the hell you got handed the future you dreamed of and just… waved it off to Mexico.”
“Because that’s who Parker is, Hazel. Helping his friends is what he does. And since I love him for all the parts of him, I don’t want to hold him back. So I told him he should go.”
“Oh, god,” she groaned. “And why didn’t you offer to go with him?”
“I… Well, I…” I gripped one of the throw pillows so hard the fabric probably imprinted on my palm. “I have an important meeting at the lodge later about acquiring some property nearby, and I can’t miss it.”
“Not even for a family emergency? Tiller and Mikey wouldn’t understand? Weird.”
I opened my mouth to correct her—remind her that Parker wasn’t family, exactly—but then I shut it again immediately. Parker was my family. Always had been.
Why hadn’t I offered to go? Why had the idea never even occurred to me?
“Julian, you do this all the time, and it’s got to stop. I get that you’ve always done it to protect yourself, but if you and Parker are together now, you’ve got to work on better coping mechanisms and stop pushing Parker to rescue Erin.”
“Pushing—? Me? Oh, no. No. I have never.”
I hated that he always ran off to rescue her. Loathed it.
“You do, though. You always urge him to help her out when she gets into trouble. Honestly, there have been times I wish you’d left her to suffer the consequences of her actions. Maybe that’s mean, but it’s true. I remember one of the times, specifically, when Parker showed up to help move you into your apartment, and Erin called saying she needed to retrieve her exercise bike up in Cheyenne when that guy broke up with her and took it in his move. Parker said no, because he was busy with you. And you were all, ‘Don’t worry, Parks. I’ve got Hazel and some guys from work here. We’ll be fine. Erin needs you.’”
“I… I…” I remembered that. I’d been so annoyed with her constant intrusions, calling and complaining about needing help while I was trying to move my shit on a very tight schedule, that I’d finally thrown my hands up and told him to go. It was inevitable that Parker would go eventually, and I hadn’t wanted him to feel bad about it.
I also hadn’t wanted to force the issue and make him choose because I’d been afraid he’d choose her.
“Erin’s family owns a chain of sporting goods stores, Julian. She could have had a new bike the next day,” Hazel continued. “But instead, she and Parker fetched her bike from Cheyenne only to find that it wouldn’t fit at Erin’s, so they had to take it to Parker’s place in Vail. And once the bike was at his place, of course she had to come over and use it. And voilà, they’d gotten back together again, and Erin had felt safe. At least temporarily. But you were the one who prompted him to do it, babe.”
I sat in silence for a second, processing all of this. Was it possible that I’d misread things all along? That him choosing her hadn’t been inevitable until I’d made it inevitable?
“Look, I’m not blaming you for all of their shit,” Hazel went on when the silence had drawn out. “Not at all. It’s just that Erin grew up a little too safe—she craves stability and hates it at the same time, you know? That’s why working for her dad is not a great fit for her. She doesn’t get to stretch her wings, and she never suffers the consequences of her actions. Meanwhile, Parker grew up with no stability, so he never wants to abandon anyone. He always wants to do the right thing, even when he hates it. Even when he doesn’t know what the right thing is. Which is why he sometimes relies on you to help him find it.”
I remembered Parker asking, “Are you saying I should do this because you think it’s the right thing to do or because you think it’s what I want to do?” and that same sick feeling was back in my stomach.
What had I done?
“You’re wasting your talents mediating contract disputes,” I whispered. “You should either be a telephone psychic or a TV psychiatrist.”
“I know, right? And instead, I’m here talking to you. So, Jules, please listen. Who’s looking out for Parker right now while he’s busy protecting Erin? Who’s making sure that he knows he’s safe and loved and that he doesn’t have to run all over the world saving his friends if he’d rather not?”
“I am,” I said firmly. “I will.”
“Good. You know, you’ve waited nearly your whole life for him to choose you, Jules. And he has. So now it’s time for you to make sure he knows that you choose him. And that he doesn’t need to prove himself to you or anyone else.”
God. The idea that Parker might feel insecure in our relationship—that he could somehow not be aware, after all these years, that if I was his North Star, he was my fucking sunlight—horrified me. My hands shook as I put the phone on speaker and tried to call up the same website I’d used to book Parker’s ticket. Somehow, the interface had all gotten way more complicated in the past hour, and I couldn’t remember where I was or where I was going.