I’d never felt as lost from him as I did now, with no clue how to get it back or even if I should try. It was likely the natural course of life. We were thirty years old. It wasn’t like when we were kids.
“He’s nice,” Mom said from behind me.
“Yeah, he is.” And he was, most of the time. Jayden could be a little spoiled, but that wasn’t so bad.
“He’s different than what I expected for you.”
“Because he’s a man and you didn’t know?”
I risked a glance at her, and she shook her head. “No. I’m hurt you didn’t feel you could tell me, but that’s not it. I can’t really put it into words. He’s into art like you, but he talks about it in a different way. He doesn’t seem as…easy as you are? It’s hard to explain. But he’s nice, and if you’re happy, I’m happy.” When I didn’t respond right away, she asked, “Are you?”
The truth was, I didn’t have an answer for that. “Well…I have a career I could have only dreamed of, friends, a beautiful home, family, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that lately I’ve been feeling that something’s missing.”
“Is that why you’re here right now? With him?”
“Jesus, you’re good at this.” I nudged her with my arm. “Yeah, I think so. I thought maybe bringing him here, introducing him to you guys would feel like I was doing something? Moving forward in some way?”
“So it’s not working?” Mom asked.
“Not yet, but we just got here a few hours ago.”
“Isaac is upset,” she added softly.
He was. Fuck, he was, and I hated that. “I didn’t tell him, and he’s hurt. I’m the first person he told, and I kept it to myself.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“Wait. He told you first? I thought…”
Shit, I’d forgotten about that. “I don’t understand that either. It’s just how Isaac wanted it.”
Through the window, under the motion lights, I saw Jayden end the call and head back toward the house.
We started a family game of Monopoly after that. Isaac was winning, like always, the fucker, when Jayden said, “I’m really tired.”
“We can finish this tomorrow,” Mom replied. “It’s late, and I forget that not everyone is used to our marathon board-game sessions. Monopoly is always the longest.”
“Oh, no,” Jayden said, “I don’t want to ruin the game for everyone, but if you don’t really mind…” Which meant he was definitely over the game. I got it. These weren’t the kind of things Jayden did when his family got together.
“Yeah, I’m sleepy too,” I lied.
“You’re all just pissed I’m winning again,” Isaac said.
“You don’t win every time,” Dad replied.
“Oh, what? That one time eight years ago?” Isaac asked. “That doesn’t count.”
We laughed again. It felt so damn good. I hadn’t realized how much I really did need this visit home. I didn’t really want to go to bed, but Jayden would stay up if I did, and I knew he’d rather not. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable when he was in someone else’s home for the first time, so I stood and held my hand out to him. He took it, and I pulled him up. “You get to see my childhood bedroom.”
“It’s cleaner than it was when you lived in it,” Isaac said. “You’re a mess—clothes everywhere, paint splatter on new shirts. You were always so scattered, like your bedroom was a representation of your frazzled thoughts.”
“He’s still the same way!” Jayden exclaimed. “I swear it looks like a hurricane has come through his bedroom. It makes me crazy.”
Isaac shrugged. “It’s just who he is.” He stood but didn’t look at me. “I think I’ll go to bed too.”
“You boys go up. We’ll turn everything off down here,” Mom said.
I kissed her cheek. “Good night, Mom. Night, Dad.”
Jayden thanked them for letting him stay, Isaac told our parents he loved them, and then the three of us went upstairs together, Isaac quiet and still not meeting my gaze.
Our rooms were next door to each other.
He went to his, and Jayden and I to mine.
“Night,” I said as Isaac was going through his doorway.
He didn’t turn my way. “Good night, brother.” He slipped inside, closing the door between us.
I didn’t move for a second, but then Jayden flopped down on the bed and said, “Your brother hates me,” so I came inside and closed the door.
“He doesn’t hate you. He hates that he didn’t know about you. He’s hurt I didn’t tell him.”
“Are you sure that’s what it is?”
“What else would it be?” I pulled my shirt off, went to drop it on the floor, but then walked to the armchair in the corner to put it there. I took my pants off next.
“Did you guys ever fuck around when you were young? Jerk off together or anything?”
“What the fuck? No. He’s my brother!” My face was unexpectedly hot.
“It would just be playing around.”
Maybe to him, but…Christ, I couldn’t imagine what our parents would have thought if we’d done something like that and gotten caught. Mom would be horrified, and Dad…I didn’t even know what he would think. To them—to all of us—we were brothers. And even if not, I could never be Isaac’s type. Where in the hell did that thought come from?
“Anyway,” Jayden added when I didn’t reply, “he’s not what I expected. Hot, but not what I thought he would be.”
Annoyance sparked a fire in my gut. “Don’t call him hot, and what do you mean?”
“I expected him to be more like you.”
“So I’m not hot?”
Jayden rolled his eyes. “You’re fucking gorgeous and you know it, but not in such a…I don’t know…cover-of-a-magazine way. You’re the eccentric artist everyone adores, but I have to remind you to comb your hair when we go out.”
“Maybe because I shouldn’t have to comb my hair if I don’t want to? Plus, I’d just mess it up when I run my fingers through it. Also, you’re being a dick.”
“I’m not trying to be. You don’t have to get so defensive.”
I sat down on the mattress in my underwear. Jayden moved so he was behind me, with his legs and arms wrapped around me, and asked, “Are you going to sneak off to the attic and leave me by myself tonight?”
“You’d be sleeping.”
“Lane! Oh my God. Your parents will think we’re having problems.”
Huh? “Why would they think that?”
“Because you’re sneaking out of bed at night. Sometimes it feels like you don’t want to sleep with me.”
I didn’t want to make him feel that way and…well, it was kind of frustrating that it did. “That’s who I am. My parents wouldn’t know, but even if they did, they wouldn’t think it meant we were having problems. They would think I’m being me.”