CHAPTER SEVEN
Lane
I couldn’t sleep. The feeling of not being comfortable in my skin had worsened since I’d been home, when I’d expected it to get better. Still, I didn’t want to go back to the city, not yet. I wasn’t ready, and a bigger part of me was starting to realize I didn’t want to go back with Jayden. It wasn’t just me that was off, it was us.
Coming home was supposed to fix it, to fix whatever was going wrong inside me, but it hadn’t, and it was time I faced that.
I could tell by the way Jayden was breathing that he wasn’t asleep either. He was curled up on his side, back to me, when typically he was all over me when he slept.
“You want to go upstairs and paint right now, don’t you?” he asked softly.
“Yes.”
“I thought it was me…that for whatever reason, you were trying to escape me, but that’s really just who you are, isn’t it? And I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, it’s who I am, but I think there’s more to it than that, and we both know it.”
Jayden sighed, rolled over. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the moon shining through the window and the streetlamps below.
“I love you…you know that, don’t you?” Jayden asked, making a heaviness settle in my chest.
“I do.”
“But we’re not right for each other.”
I paused for a moment before agreeing, “No, I don’t think we are.”
“I slept with Salvador. It was only once, about six months ago. I wanted you to go out with me, and you wouldn’t. I was feeling…neglected. I could tell even back then that you were pulling away, and I was upset and hurt about it. I’m not trying to blame you or say it’s your fault. I’m just telling you what I did and how I felt. I’ve regretted it ever since. I hate myself for sinking so low, and things are even harder now because he’s a client and…made it very clear he wants to do it again. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you.”
I waited for the jealousy to kick in. Waited to feel hurt or betrayed or even angry, but I just felt…lonely. Like maybe I would never find that person I clicked with, that everything felt right with.
“Do you hate me?” Jayden asked.
“No.” I really didn’t, which told me I should have ended this a long time ago.
“I wanted it to work. I’ve been trying so hard, and I thought…I thought maybe this week, going away and meeting your family, would bring us closer together, but it just showed me how far apart we really are.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for. Maybe because no matter what he’d done, Salvador or not, we wouldn’t have lasted.
“I thought I’d be the one to tame Lane Ryan. You’re all the talk, ya know? The beautiful, incredibly talented painter everyone adores, who moves from long-term relationship to long-term relationship, yet no one can tie you down for good.”
He was right, and that thought made a deep melancholy settle in my bones. Was I too picky? I’d been with some really great people, people I liked, so why couldn’t I love them? It was like I couldn’t take that final step. Something inside had always held me back.
“It’s not you, it’s me…?” I said, and he chuckled quietly.
“Well, no shit it’s not me. I’m fucking fabulous.” And despite our differences and the fact that he’d cheated on me, I knew he was a decent man—flawed, but decent and not the right one for me.
“You’re not too bad,” I teased. “When you’re not being a spoiled brat.” I leaned forward and kissed Jayden’s forehead. I didn’t agree with what he’d done with Salvador, but the truth was, I hadn’t always been fair to Jayden either. I knew I couldn’t give him my heart.
“I think I want to leave tonight. Before your family wakes up.”
“You don’t have to do that. We don’t have to tell them anything. We can pretend everything is fine, but—”
“But you’re not going back to the city yet.”
“No,” I answered. I wasn’t. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to fix whatever had broken between Isaac and me because nothing felt right since we’d started to grow apart.
“I’m going to see if I can book a flight.” Jayden sat on the edge of the bed, looking at his phone. There was one leaving Atlanta early in the morning, so I got up with him and quietly helped him pack.
When I said, “We should head out,” I didn’t expect his response.
“I called a car. It should be here any minute. I don’t… I think it’s better if we say goodbye here.”
I nodded. “I’ll walk you out.” We were quiet as we grabbed Jayden’s things, went downstairs and outside. As soon as we got to the street, a car turned down the road. “Come here.” I pulled him into a hug.
Jayden gave me a small smile, got into the car, and left.
Another relationship over and done with, and this one I’d pulled my family into. At least with the others I hadn’t had to worry about letting Mom down.
I stayed outside long after Jayden was gone. When I got back in, I didn’t go into my room, instead heading straight for Isaac’s. I was surprised he’d stayed the night, but Mom had said he might as well so he could say goodbye the next day.
He was dead to the world, the blanket only partly covering his chest, groin, and legs, which stuck out, bare. Isaac’s face was toward the door, softened in a way it wasn’t when he was awake. He’d always been good at fooling people, but I knew he carried around more weight than he showed.
I went over to him, watched him breathe like some kind of creeper before reaching out to touch his shoulder. The second I did, his eyes jerked open, holding firm on me. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I want to draw you.” It’d been so long since we’d done this, I just knew he would tell me no. That he would say I was crazy and he wasn’t getting out of bed, all ways to build even higher that wall he’d erected between us.
But Isaac surprised me. “Okay.”
I stood there for a moment, waiting for him to get up, but he shot me a smirk, the cocky Isaac making an appearance.
“You wanting a dick-measuring contest too? Because I gotta tell you, I’m packin’. If that’s not what you’re looking for, you might want to go because I’m naked under here.”
“Oh.” Shit. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of that. My face heated, which was confusing as fuck, so I turned away before Isaac could notice. “See you in the attic.”
“I’ll be right there.”
I went upstairs, paced, nerves scattering throughout my body. Why I felt like this after talking to my own brother, I couldn’t figure out.
It really was only a couple of minutes later when I heard the door, and then Isaac’s footsteps as he came up. I turned to look at him—his short hair messy, stubble along his jaw, which was sprinkled with gray despite him being only thirty. The corners of his mouth were turned down, his eyes leery behind his facade. He was wearing a pair of nylon shorts that reached his knees, the band of his underwear peeking out the top of them. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his chest and abs were more defined than they’d been when we were younger.