She needed to grow, and I loved her enough to know how incredible she was without doubt.
My heart flayed open, bleeding all over the floor, I reached for my glass of water to soothe the pain she’d torn through me.
“So, where does that leave us?”
27
Gabby
If it was possible for me to feel completely torn in two, it was happening.
Everything in me demanded to reach across the table, smooth away the pain I’d brought to Joey’s face, the way he looked absolutely shattered.
He had to know, though. He needed to know I loved him. That I wanted him.
I wanted to be with him.
I just needed to be whole first, and I couldn’t do that, not with what he was offering.
I still had a life in Seattle to finish closing down. Hell, I’d been in Las Vegas for months and had never once even considered canceling my lease, moving out.
Joey sat across from me, offering me my dream on a silver platter, but I couldn’t agree to it.
Not yet.
I spun my ring on my finger, a tear falling to the diamond as I blinked. “I’m not taking this off, and I won’t.” I glanced up at him. His gaze had gone to my ring finger while his thumb slowly turned his. Once he dragged those dark, sorrowful eyes to meet mine, I fought the desire to say fuck this. Yes. I accept because I love you too. “But I think I need to head home. I need to start working on me so I can return to you a woman who knows exactly what she has to offer a man like you, and then I hope… well, I hope you still want that woman too.”
He closed his eyes, head fell. My mouth turned dry and I attempted to lick my lips but there was no moisture inside me, it was all streaming down my cheeks. I grabbed my water, barely able to get the glass rim to my lips due to the trembling in my hands.
“Please. Say something.”
His shoulders rose and fell with a shuddering, shaky exhale. “I get it. I get what you’re saying.” Shaking his head, his gaze rose to meet mine again. “I don’t like it. I don’t think it’s necessary when there isn’t a single piece of you right now that isn’t exactly perfect, but I get what you’re saying. I do.” A brief flash of a sad smile appeared and then slid right off his face. “I wouldn’t be the husband I want to be with you if I didn’t encourage you to chase everything you needed in life, even if that chase takes you away from me for a while. But, while you’re gone, I want us to keep in touch, though. I want you telling me everything so I can share all of it with you. Okay?”
God. How could I be doing this to him? To us? And yet deep in my soul, beneath the pain, beneath the searing sensation of loss happening in front of me, there was peace. A tiny ember of confidence growing.
My smile shook as I said, “I’d like that.”
I stepped out of the bathroom, makeup removed, trying to hold back tears. I was doing this. I was leaving the man I loved.
Only, that man I loved stood in front of me, dressed in only a pair of pajama pants with his bare chest on display and a sad smile pushing at his lips. My resolve started to crumble as Joey reached for me, took my hand in his and pulled me toward him, cupping my cheek with his other hand.
“I feel like I’m hurting you for no reason right now.”
“You have a good reason.” He took my hand, placed it at his back until his forehead pressed to mine. “It hurts, and it might keep hurting both of us for a while, but we’ll get through it.”
He was so certain. So understanding even if he didn’t fully agree with this, but God… how could I leave him? How could I walk away from this when my body was already warming to his tender touch?
All the tears I’d tried so hard to force down since he paid our bill and made the sullen trip back to the RV made my chin tremble and my throat tighter.
“We’ll be okay,” Joey murmured, voice like velvet over rocks. Rough but smooth.
And then he kissed me. He pressed his lips to mine and inhaled, like he was trying to sear the memory of this kiss into his entire body and soul. I kissed him back, emotions still making my body tremble and curb to his back. The heat of his body suffused my hands, traveled up my arms and right to his chest before he started walking us back slowly. We made it to the edge of the bed where he guided me down and onto my back.
His kisses were so slow, so sensual, I widened my legs and let him fall between.
God. Should we even be doing this? This wouldn’t take away the pain of what was coming and yet as he rolled his hips, pressed his hardening thickness against me, I arched into him.
“Is this smart?” I asked, gasping for one last tendril of common sense.
“I want to even if it’s not.” He pulled back, dark eyes blazing with lust. “Do you?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed down my fears.
This wasn’t goodbye forever. There was no way I could meet a man who ever made me feel how Joey did or respected me as much. What we’d done was crazy, what we had was intense, but it was something worth fighting for, even if that fight put us in different locations for a short time.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” I rolled over as Joey jostled my hip until I was on my back.
My eyes opened slowly, squinting against the light and then widened quickly.
“What is it?”
He was crouched at the foot of the bed, fully dressed in khaki shorts and a short-sleeve T-shirt I’d picked up for him in Colorado. It was nothing special, a gray shirt with Rockies typed across in bold navy font. He’d shaken his head when I showed him my matching shirt. Something to remember the trip by I’d told him as he’d taken the shirt from me.
I don’t need the shirt. I have you, he’d replied.
The memory burned my eyes, and I shoved my palms against them to stave off tears. Last night’s decisions rushed back to me in a moment.
What if what I was doing was wrong? What if I was once again running from responsibility instead of facing it? What if…
I cleared my eyes to ask him, only to catch the dark circles lining his eyes, his messed hair. He stood, pushing off his knees until he was towering over me, head needing to be tilted down due to the lack of height inside.
“I bought plane tickets for us. We need to head to Detroit.”
“What?” I scrambled on the bed until I was sitting. I’d fallen asleep naked, after he’d thoroughly used my body in a way there was a slight ache to my hips.
His gaze barely dropped to my breasts before meeting my eyes and I yanked the sheet over me.
This was it then.
I couldn’t find even a hint of desire when he looked away, a playful tease of his smile I’d become so used to receiving.
“Tickets.” He cleared his throat. “One for you to Seattle and one for me to Charlotte. I’m still going to head down to see Jude and Jason, spend some time with them. But I want you to call me when you get to Seattle and every day you’re there, okay?”
“You didn’t have to do this.” Or so quickly. I hadn’t... I hadn’t considered what my decision last night would mean. Where it would leave us today.
He swiped a hand over his mouth and scratched at the back of his neck.