“Never,” I cry, losing my fight with my orgasm at the same time he groans my name, and I get to watch as he shoots hot ropes of cum over his stomach.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” I chant as my body sinks back into exhaustion.
We both clean up and stay on camera as we snuggle into bed, still connected as I drift off to sleep with his voice in my ear.
And we do the same thing for the next few nights as he keeps his promise to take things slow, despite his desire to come and implant himself right in the middle of my life.
29
EMMIE
“Hey, kiddo. You had a good day?” Dad asks as I walk through to the kitchen after school on Thursday afternoon.
“Uh…” Images of Theo dragging me into the boys’ locker room and making out for the entirety of his free period fill my mind, and I cringe when my cheeks start to burn. “Yeah, it was okay.”
He eyes me suspiciously but doesn’t say any more.
“Here,” he says, choosing to ignore it. “This came for you.”
My eyes drop to the white envelope on the table, and I don’t think much of it until he pushes it my way and I get a look at the handwriting on the front.
“It’s from Mum,” I breathe, too shocked to keep it in.
“Yeah,” Dad agrees.
“What does it say?” Stupid question, but the blood is racing past my ears and my anger is surging as all the reasons why I should take this outside and burn it flicker through my mind.
“It’s addressed to you, Em. I wouldn’t—”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting…”
He looks down at his watch, and I realise that he should already be at work.
“You want me to stay and open it with you?”
“No,” I say confidently. “It’s just a letter from my mum, how bad can it be?”
Dad smiles in response, but it’s forced at best. He’s more than aware of how bad it potentially could be.
“Go, Dad. Honestly, I’m fine. And Piper will be home soon, should anyone need to stop me from going and killing her.” It’s a joke, but from the grimace on Dad’s face as it falls from my lips, I’m thinking it was a poor one. “It’ll be fine. It’s just a letter.'“
His brow lifts as he stares at me in concern.
“Call me if you need me.”
“Dad, I’ll be fine. I can deal with harder shit than this.”
“I know you can, kiddo. But I’m your dad, it’s my job to worry.”
“I’ve got this. All of this,” I promise.
“I know.”
He holds my stare, and my lips part to ask if he’s heard anything from Pops, but the words get stuck in my throat. It’s been five days since he’s been on the run for Luis’s murder, and the only news is all the new evidence of crimes against him that seem to keep magically popping up. So now murder is only one of the things he really needs to worry about. Theo and the guys are still doing everything they can to find him. I’ve not been brave enough to ask what they intend to do once they do find a location, but I know how they work. He hurt me, which means in turn he hurt them. It’s not going to have a good outcome. And weirdly, I’m okay with that.
For years, he’s been hurting those I love most. Maybe it is time for him to meet his maker and for a new reign of power to fall over this side of the city.
“Go to work. Zach will string you up if you’re late.” He rolls his eyes at me but doesn’t comment.
“Call me,” he urges.
“I’ll be fine.”
“I know. Call me anyway. You might be all grown up and married and shit, but I still worry.”
“I’ll shoot you a message,” I promise, not wanting to get in the middle of his night.
After dropping a kiss on my head, he quickly leaves the house, proving that he is actually late.
I stand there and stare at the envelope for the longest time.
It’s not until my stomach starts growling that I finally move.
Grabbing some snacks, and the letter, I take it all up to my room.
Theo is at football training with the guys. Stella and Calli are doing gym, and I’ve got a ton of homework to do if I want to be on top of everything to spend the entire weekend in Theo’s bed, exactly as he promised earlier.
I put the letter on the side and try to push it from my mind as I work, but it’s easier said than done, and with each minute that passes, I feel its presence more, as if it’s a person in the room staring at me.
“Fuck it,” I mutter, standing from the bed and swiping it from the side.
I rip it open as if the content has already offended me.
Pushing my laptop and books aside, I rest back against my headboard and pull the sheet of paper from inside.
My heart thrashes against my chest with my need for Mum to explain everything and make me understand. Even after everything, I’m still desperate for her to be a good person, the one I thought she was when I was a naïve little girl.
Trying not to think too much into my issues surrounding Mum, I hold the letter before me, taking in her familiar yet awful handwriting.
A smudge in the ink catches my eye, and my heart jumps into my throat. She was crying when she wrote this.
All the promises I’ve made myself over the past few weeks to stop putting her on this special pedestal come crashing down around me.
No matter how much of a fuck-up she is, she’s still my mum, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to shed that connection, that feeling. It might be time for me to come to terms with the fact that I’ll always want her to get better, all the while she continues to disappoint me.
Blowing out a long breath, my eyes find the beginning.
Emmie, my sweet, sweet girl,
I want to say I’m sorry. But those words just aren’t big enough to encompass all the ways I’ve hurt you.
All I’ve ever wanted is a better life for you. I wanted to do right by you the second I discovered I was pregnant.
I was terrified but so excited. I made myself all these stupid promises for how I was going to give you the best life, be the best mother, and offer you the world.
I’ve always been good at lying to myself.
But I’ve screwed it all up, time and time again. And I’m sorry, I truly am.
I should have tried to get clean years ago, but I knew it would mean leaving you and I was too scared.
My chest aches as I think of Mum over the years and all the things we’ve been through together. The pain bleeding in her words, her regret is palpable, and it makes my eyes burn with tears.
I thought Damien was our way out. And it might have been, if my greed and desperation for that new, better life didn’t take control of everything.
The day Luis Wolfe offered me a deal, I should have told him no. I should have walked away.
But I couldn’t. Not when he promised me a way to give you the life I craved.
I was naïve, I’ll admit that. But I was a mess, strung out on God knows what at the time, and when he handed me a wad of cash, I was gone.
But with each week that passed, the more I realised that I’d sold my soul to the devil. But it was too late, and I panicked.