He laughed. “No thanks?”
“I reject your proposal.” I moved so I was straddling him. “In fact, I’d much rather put my foot down on the accelerator.”
He reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Maybe when we can have a discussion about Matt and you don’t cry.”
“My heart isn’t broken anymore.”
“I think it still is, kid.”
I didn’t want him to be right. I didn’t want Matt to be stuck in my head. I was here because I wanted to be. I was choosing Miller. I loved Miller. And yet…I did still cry when I talked about Matt. As much as I wanted to say that my heart was healed, it still hurt sometimes. “I don’t want to go back to being just friends.”
“Were we ever just friends?”
No. No, we definitely weren’t. “I think we should still do hand stuff. Oh and can you keep doing that thing with your mouth?”
He laughed. “That’s the opposite of putting the brakes on.”
“Miller, you can’t expect me to sleep in the same bed with you and not want more now that I know what more feels like.”
“I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Now I really did want to cry.
“Just until you figure things out.” He kissed my forehead. “I don’t want you to be thinking about Matt when I’m fucking you.” The sweet gesture of a kiss on the forehead combined with his naughty words had my heart racing.
God, why had I cried talking about Matt? I could be under Miller right now enjoying my life. Matt was certainly out there enjoying his. Why was he ruining mine? Matthew freaking Caldwell.
Chapter 35
Wednesday - New Year’s Eve
I was trying to respect Miller’s wishes, I really was. But the bed was cold without him. And I knew his back was bothering him from sleeping on the couch. When I told him I didn’t mind sleeping on the couch he wouldn’t hear of it. Stubborn ass.
And just like that I was thinking about how good his ass looked in his gray sweatpants. I was a big fan of his gray sweatpants.
Enough was enough. I’d given it three whole days of us being “friends.” I didn’t want to be friends with him. I wanted to move forward. I wanted to live. I wanted him to love me back.
In the grand scheme of things, I knew that three days wasn’t exactly very long. But Miller and I had been toeing over this friendship line for over a year now. And now that we’d crossed the line…I couldn’t go back. I didn’t want to.
Besides, it was New Year’s Eve. I wanted to spend every second of tonight with him. Including sleeping with him. In both senses of the phrase.
My New Year’s resolution was to stop letting Matt haunt my thoughts. And the new year was going to start with a bang. Literally.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t bring any warm clothes with me, so I was wearing the spring dress I’d almost worn back in California. Before I chickened out and went with jeans on a night out with my coworkers. When I’d dreamed that I was dancing with Miller instead of some seedy guy at that nightclub. I’d wanted Miller then. And I wanted him now.
I wished I had something shimmery or sparkly or anything a little more New Year’s Eve. But this would have to do. Besides, last time I’d put it on, I hated how short it was. This time? My legs were still tanned and toned from my runs on the beach. And it wouldn’t be the first time I caught Miller staring at my legs. I wanted him to take one look at me and not be able to remain “just friends.” Or whatever we were.
Yes, sometimes thoughts of Matt still came out of nowhere, hitting me like a ton of bricks. But Matt and I had never spent a New Year’s Eve together. Miller and I had. Last year he was very professional and we watched the ball drop without kissing, toasting the new year with sparkling apple cider.
This year I hoped he was anything but professional. I wanted a New Year’s kiss. Because this year I wasn’t making a resolution to find the courage to flee and find Matt. I’d found all the courage I needed. I was here. With Miller. I’d lost so much over the past couple years. I’d lost so much that I never thought I could keep going. But here I was. Exactly where I wanted to be. And despite what Miller thought, I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t torn in two directions.
My mind was clear. This year, all I wanted was him.
The tires of his car crunched in the snow outside.
My heart started racing as I left the bedroom. Miller had gone out this afternoon to pick up a few ingredients for the lasagna he was making. The sauce was already simmering on the stove. And the extra heat made my summery dress almost bearable in the cold.
I stood in front of the door and waited for him.
I started wringing my hands together. What if he still told me no? What if he pushed me away again? I bit the inside of my lip. What if he secretly loved sleeping on the couch and didn’t want to share a bed with me? Hell, what if he didn’t even like me here in his house? What if he kicked me out? I was spiraling. But he was taking forever to come inside…
Miller opened the door. He was holding a grocery bag in one hand and was balancing some logs for the fire under his other arm. He closed the door with his elbow and then froze when he saw me standing there.
I wasn’t dressed like a frumpy lumberjack today. I’d made sure of that. I didn’t care how cold I was. I’d be warm enough as soon as he wrapped his strong arms around me. “Happy New Year’s Eve!” I said.
He cleared his throat. “You look beautiful, Brooklyn.” His eyes trailed down my legs.
It was like his gaze made me feel on fire. Yeah, I definitely wasn’t cold anymore. “Thank you.” I had a whole speech planned out. But my mind was as frozen as Miller’s feet. “Here, let me take that.” I grabbed the grocery bag out of his hand and hurried into the kitchen. Pull yourself together! The worst that could happen was that he’d reject me. And then I’d just try again some other day once more time had passed.
I put the remaining ingredients for the lasagna in the fridge. God, I hated wasting time. Then what the hell are you doing in the kitchen? I took a deep breath and closed the fridge door.
Miller was standing in front of the fire holding his hands out to warm them by the flames.
I’ve got this.
I walked back over to him. I had this scene in my head. But I had no idea if it would play out. Either way, I needed to get this off my chest.
“I think that maybe sometimes I’ll always cry when I think of Matt. It feels like I lost him. The way I lost my mom and uncle.” I swallowed hard.
Miller looked up from the fire.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Usually I could read him pretty well, but not today. I took a deep breath. “He thinks I’m dead. And he feels…dead to me too. I don’t really know how to explain it.” Damn it, this wasn’t coming out right. I stared into the fire instead of at Miller’s face. “What I’m trying to say is that I would never go back to him. He’s as good as dead to me. I was mourning what could have been. And I have no idea why. I’m not a what-could-have-been kind of person.”
I glanced at Miller out of the corner of my eye. I could read him now. He looked…sad. Sad for me. But I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted him to understand.