“You can be a real bastard,” she bites out as anger drips from her words. “Can’t you see that he’s hurting. Coming back to a past you would rather put behind you isn’t easy.”
“And you know all about hiding things. Don’t you?” I throw back. When I’m angry, I’m a dick, and I don’t apologize for it.
The slap comes before I have time to stop her hand from making contact. I deserved that. “Love is not an easy road to follow,” she tells me. “You have to listen to someone else, understand that the fear of losing what they’ve found is real.” The plea in her tone makes my chest ache.
I’ve never allowed fear to take hold of me. It’s one emotion that I fought for years. My frustration and pain are directed at Jarred, but my anger is focused solely on me. I allowed myself to believe in honesty and love. Even though I never told him how I felt, I know deep down that I do love him.
“When someone lies to me, I don’t take kindly to it.”
“And when you act like an asshole, you deserve to be held accountable,” Zaria throws back easily. “When I first arrived at Thorne Haven, I was shattered. I didn’t know if I would be able to feel anything for anybody. I wanted the approval of my mother for so long, that I figured I would substitute it for the affection from you and Jarred.”
I turn away, needing to breathe without Zaria in my face, in my mind. But when I step away from her, she reaches for me, her hand gripping my arm gently. Her touch electrifies me. It’s done it since the first time I came into contact with her. It’s the same feeling I get when Jarred touches me.
She’s slowly burrowing herself in my life, and with every moment I spend with her, I know that she is learning who I am. She knows more about me than my family does.
I perfected my armor to the point where not even my brothers could see past it. It may not have been ideal, but it was the only way I knew how to survive.
As I young child, I was doted on by my mother. Being the baby, her baby, I was showered with her love. And then, she left.
“Are you really angry at him for lying or are you feeling that rage because you know that he only did it because he loves you.”
“Everyone leaves,” I tell her, staring at her hand wrapped around my arm. She doesn’t release me. I didn’t think she would. “It’s not uncommon for those I care for to pack up and walk away.”
“Because you push them away?”
“Are you trying to say I made my mother leave?” I sneer, my blood turning hot as it races through my veins, boiling through me from head to toe.
Zaria’s mouth falls open, and I realize she didn’t know about it. I never confessed anything about me to her. Jarred knew about my mother walking out, but that’s only because he has lived in Thorne Manor for so long.
“What?”
Those glimmering golden eyes stare into mine. Zaria has a way about her, when she looks at me, it’s as if she’s trying to find a chink in my armor. I wonder if she’ll ever find a way to dig into my goddamned soul even when I try to push her out.
“My mother walked out on us,” I admit softly. “I was always her favorite, she told me so. It might sound overconfident, but it was the only time I ever felt seen. And then, one night I overheard her and my dad fighting, they were arguing. It was so loud, it woke me up. I followed them to the staircase and watched her tell him she’s leaving.”
Zaria steps up to me then, her body flush with mine, and her arms wrap around my middle. When I told Jarred, he had the same reaction. But as she looks up at me, I don’t see pity in her eyes. I never wanted anyone to feel pity for me because my mother left me. And that’s the reason I never told anyone how it made me feel to see her walk out.
“I loved her,” I tell Zaria. “She was the only person who ever knew me.” My words are soft, a gentle confession that seems out of place because, only moments ago, anger fueled me. “And I love Jarred. He was the other person I allowed into my heart.”
“So all that anger you held toward me for my posts and fakes smiles on my social media wasn’t only because of me.” Her lips tilt as she realizes how much I’ve hated myself for years. I wanted my brothers to know I was hurt, but I could never bring myself to tell them. I was scared of being weak in their eyes. Instead of showing my pain, I covered it with jokes and fake smiles. So, instead of breaking down, I stood tall and hid behind the playboy exterior.
“It’s sometimes easier to fake something than to allow anyone to see your pain,” I tell her gently.
“But you let Jarred see it.” She guesses, and I nod. “He didn’t do this to hurt you though. And I’m sure your mother was hurting just as much when she left.” I can’t know that for sure, but I can’t deny that in my mind, Mom was heartbroken to leave her kids. All three boys meant a lot to her, we knew we did, but there are times I think back to the night she left and wonder why she didn’t say goodbye.
“I don’t know for sure what she felt, but she never made any effort to reach out to us, even years after.” I shrug it off, but I can’t conceal the pain that must be painted across my face. “Jarred was the first person, besides Eloise, that brought out some form of emotion in me. But even Ellie had no clue about my past.”
“But you loved her too.” Zaria whispers slowly.
For a long, silent moment, I think about it. I cared about her a lot. She was the one person I vowed to protect and I couldn’t do that. “I spent years feeling guilt for what happened to her. I thought I loved her, but perhaps it was more the protective obsession I had. I didn’t want her to leave.”
“Like your mother did,” Zaria says.
I nod.
“I’m sorry, Finn,” she whispers as she leans up on her tiptoes. Her lips find mine in a gentle kiss. “But you can’t push Jarred away. This time, he needs you to be strong, the same way he was strong for you in the past.” I know she’s right, but I don’t like admitting to being wrong.
“I need time.” It’s all I can manage right now because if I did say anything more, I’d probably get angry all over again. I can’t afford to do that. “I need to go talk to Ares,” I tell her. “Stay here.”
“Okay.”
I leave Zaria, with my focus solely on speaking to Ares about business. I find him in the office, where he told me he’d be. For the moment, he’s alone, so I venture into the room.
“I’d like to get this contract done and signed as soon as possible.”
“What’s the rush?” he asks. Knowing that he heard everything that went down between Jarred and me, he’s either trying not to encroach on my business, or he finds it amusing. They are, after all, the Gilded Sovereign.
“I need to get back to Thorne Haven. I have a wedding to plan,” I inform him as I settle in the chair opposite his desk. It’s true. I do have an event coming up, and Zaria and I need to sit down and make a few decisions.
“I understand,” he says. “Since my brother is only on his way to Tynewood now, I’ll go through the contract.”
“It’s the same one my father sent through to you.” I slide it over the desk to him. Ares picks it up, flicking through the pages slowly. His gaze scans the information. The most important is the cut we take for installation of our systems in all their venues. The Lancasters have taken over the clubbing scene after Philipe, the eldest Lancaster brother, started his nightclub in New York.