“I told you to not talk about anything inside her house for someone to hear.”
Shaking her head, she said, “I didn’t—”
“Yeah, right. Obviously, you did. But you know what, Jeannie? I don’t blame you. I blame myself. I went through everything about you when I investigated you to make sure you were trustworthy, but I still shouldn’t have trusted you. I shouldn’t have told you anything. And I sure as fuck shouldn’t have thought that I could handle building a business and building a relationship at the same time.”
Her body quivered, every part of her vibrating as his words landed blow after blow. “You investigated me? That sounds like a helluva lot more than you were just trying to figure out who I was.”
“Again, this is my business. Before I brought you on board, I had to make sure about you. Make sure that there was nothing that would make you susceptible to being on the take for the Garzas.”
Forcing her knees to lock in place, she straightened her spine and held his gaze, the importance of his words slashing through her. “I did not talk to Maggie about anything that was going on while we were in her house. All I told her while we were walking outside, away from everyone else, was exactly what you’d said I could say. I told her that I had a friend that was checking in with things and that’s why I’d been able to find out that she had a camera and bugs in her house. I also told her that she needed to be careful and that I also didn’t trust Penny. And the last thing I told her was that she should not be surprised at anything that might happen soon considering a storm was coming.” Forcing her legs to move, she stepped closer but kept her fingers clenched into fists at her side, no longer willing to touch him nor wanting to be rebuffed. “That was all I said to her. And we were outside, alone when I said it.”
She stared at the muscle in his jaw as it tensed and battled the desire to break down and cry. Swallowing deeply past the lump in her throat, she tried to keep her voice from shaking but knew she was unsuccessful. “I’m sorry something happened tonight that went wrong for whatever you were doing. I’m sorry if some of your men were in danger. But it was not my fault. This is not on me! Your trust was not misplaced, but mine was. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to think that someone would be there for me. In my corner. Someone brave and strong to defend me the way I’d defend them. Someone I was willing to take a chance on. Someone I wanted to build a relationship with. I thought that was you. But I was wrong.”
For a second, she thought she saw a flash of doubt move through his eyes, but she no longer cared. Walking to the door, she pulled it open, refusing to think of how they’d taken each other to new heights in that exact spot. She turned to stare at him. “As you said, Carson, you have no place in your life for me and your business. So, I’ll ask that you get out of mine.”
He stood for a second in the middle of her small living room, his presence filling the space, his fingers flexing on his hips. He looked as though he might speak again, then clamped his lips shut and walked through the door. Stopping on her stoop, he turned and looked at her. She held his gaze, refusing to look away. Neither spoke, but as usual, the air crackled with vibrant electricity between them. Now, instead of feeling excited, she simply felt burned. With him still staring, she closed the door, flipped the deadbolt, and slid on the latch.
Part of her wanted to race to the window to watch him as she had done before, but to see him disappear and know it would be for the last time broke her heart. How could it break my heart? The answer hit her. Because my heart was already involved.
Body quaking, she made her way back into her bedroom, crawling under the covers and pulling them over her head before the tears began. I swore I wouldn’t waste my time on someone not worthy… I thought I’d found something special. Someone special. As her tears soaked her pillow, she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the memory of his face contorted in anger as he blasted her. The same face that had peered down at her when they made love.
The pain in her heart continued as sleep never came.
22
“You want to talk about it?”
Sitting in the back of the small plane Hop was piloting, Carson looked over toward Leo. “What the hell makes you think I want to talk about it?”
“Maybe the fact that you’ve done nothing but grumble and growl for the past two days, biting everyone’s head off, a-fuckin’-gain I might mention, and acting like this mission we’re going on is the most important thing in your life when I think that you think the most important thing in your life was left behind the other night.”
“Jesus, are we back to Relationship 101? Leo, I hired you because you were the best, but swear to God, if you don’t back off talking about Jeannie, I’m going to kick you off this plane.”
“Don’t got a parachute, boss,” Leo quipped.
“No kidding,” Carson tossed back. “Christ, I’m going to lose my fuckin’ mind.”
“If you ask me, you’ve already lost your fuckin’ mind.”
“Well, good that I didn’t ask you, isn’t it?”
“Will the two of you shut the fuck up back there?” Hop shouted. “If I had a fuckin’ eject button on those seats, I’d hit it now!”
Bennett laughed, nodding. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”
Clamping his mouth shut, Carson stayed quiet, stewing. Another reason it’s a good thing I broke things off. My mind needs to be on the mission, not wondering about her. Not wondering if I jumped the gun. Not wondering if I made false assumptions and accusations. Not wondering about the hurt look on her face. Not wondering about what she’s doing or how she’s doing. His jaw was so tight, he was surprised his molars weren’t cracking. Now that he’d allowed himself to go down that mental path for the millionth time in the last couple of days, fear slowly crept through him, not an emotion he was used to or liked.
Fear that maybe he’d made a mistake. Fear that there was another reason why their mission went sideways that didn’t involve an errant word from Jeannie. And fear that if someone had overheard her speaking to Maggie, then Jeannie was in the crosshairs. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he knew he needed to make amends even if they didn’t get back together. Because one thing is for sure, I still don’t have time for a relationship. How the hell Mace does it, I’ll never know.
Thinking back to his last trip to Maine, he thought about all of Mace’s keepers, most of them married or in committed relationships with women they’d met on missions. And as different as the women were in personalities and careers, they were all smart, intuitive, dedicated, and appeared loyal to the LSI ideals. And from watching the couples, they were all in love. So, somehow, they make it work. The unease he experienced continued to move through him until he felt it in every cell of his body. He’d never been one to shy away from a mission, no matter how hard or how impossible it seemed. And yet, at the first sign of difficulty, I bailed on Jeannie. Jesus, I’d never do that to a team member, so why the fuck did I do it to her? Knowing he not only bailed but he’d left her decimated with his words, his gut clenched.
He wanted to pull out his phone and send a message, begging for a chance to talk. A chance to listen. A chance to correct what might’ve been the biggest mistake he’d ever made. Using the phone to send a text seemed adolescent, but the desire was so overwhelming he didn’t want to wait until the next day when he’d be back from their current trip.