He looked down at his tightly gripped fingers and forced them to relax before lifting his gaze to her again. “I spent the rest of my time in the Army and running CIA ops making sure I was the kind of leader that wasn’t going to ever fuck up. I know that’s an impossible task, but that’s what I tried to do. When I got out and decided to start a business, I threw myself into that endeavor. It was a pain in my ass, but I gave it my all. Then, when I joined up with Mace to start this business, I once again threw myself into learning everything I could about security, investigations, business. It’s taken time, dedication, years, and a lot of blood and sweat equity to get where I am. I constantly feel the pressure to make the business successful so that I don’t let down my employees—or Mace.”
“Or yourself,” she said softly.
He nodded slowly. “You’re right. Or myself.”
“You admitted it was an impossible task, Carson. You know that no one person can do it all and never fuck up, right?”
He continued to nod. “I know. I also know I’m probably harder on myself than anybody else would be.”
Silence settled between them, but he was filled with a peaceful calm. It felt natural to talk to her. She was the calm that came after the storm. The peace that followed the war. She might still be angry with him, but she set it to the side to give him a chance to talk, a gift he wasn’t going to take for granted.
“I haven’t been in a long-term relationship… hell, any relationship that went beyond the physical for a while. I couldn’t figure out how to devote all of my time to building the business, all of my time running the business, dedicating my time to our ongoing missions, and then finding time to have a relationship. It seemed impossible. But when I was in Maine with Mace, I met his wife and son. I met the other Keepers there, most who have wives or fiancées. And I saw up close how they were also dedicated to their careers as well as dedicated to a loving, committed relationship. So, I know it can work with the right person.”
“I think that could be said for a lot of careers, Carson. People who work long hours. People who work shift work and aren’t always home when their families are. People who have to travel for their work. People who have to have more than one job to make ends meet. People who are working and still in school. A lot of people are committed to whatever’s important to them and committed to a relationship as long as that relationship is important to them, also.”
“You’re right, babe.” As soon as the endearment left his lips, he caught the way her eyes widened, but he wasn’t about to backtrack. The endearment was exactly what he felt so he left it there between them.
“What happened the other day?”
He’d thrown what happened in her face but had never explained. Now, he had a choice to trust her or not. And he chose trust. Thrilled she was giving him the chance, he said, “The security around the Garza estate is plentiful but not particularly active. I think the Garzas are content that no one’s going to try to do anything on their property, certainly not here in the States. But when we slipped in to set up surveillance, the place was crawling with guards that appeared to be expecting something to happen. We were able to adapt and take care of what we needed to, but it was a dangerous situation to walk into.”
She unfurled her legs, her teeth digging into her bottom lip as he spoke, worry lines creasing her brow. “I’m so sorry that happened. And I’m so glad that none of you were hurt.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry, Jeannie. I reacted poorly. I made assumptions and didn’t give you a chance to talk to me.” He winced, physical pain slashing through him as he thought of the words he’d spewed toward her. Opening his eyes, he said, “You can ask any of my people, but I’ve been a bear for the last couple of days. I hated the way I acted. Hated the way I hurt you. I’m ashamed of my behavior toward you.”
“I was angry,” she said, nodding slowly, her posture now mirroring his as she leaned forward with her forearms on her legs. “But I understand the demands of a high-pressure job. A job where wrong moves can cost someone their life. A job where things can be happening fast and furious and decisions have to be made instantly. If I think of all the times I’ve snapped at someone in the ER… well, I’m ashamed, too.”
Again, the silence swirled between them, calm and easy. He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, fearful of his next question. “I need to know, Jeannie… is it possible for you to forgive me? Forgive my hurtful words? Forgive my assumptions?”
The silence remained, but this time, he began to feel the air thicken, threatening to choke him.
24
Jeannie couldn’t imagine why she let the thick silence fill the room. She had forgiven Carson. If not the moment he showed up and apologized for all his fuck ups, then definitely after his explanation surrounding his injury. So, it wasn’t the lack of forgiveness that was causing the words to halt in her throat.
It was all the other questions that swirled around the forgiveness. What now? Where do we go from here? Do we stay friends?
Realizing those questions were plaguing only her and he deserved an answer to the one question he’d asked, she nodded. “Yes, I forgive you.”
His body jerked slightly as though he was surprised when her words hit him. “You… you do?”
“When you showed up the other night, you were angry at what you thought happened that endangered your employees—your friends. And a lot of things from your past came back to you, stirring more doubt in your mind. You’ve explained that, so I understand. So, yes. You’ve asked for my forgiveness, and I give it.”
She thought his body would relax completely with her forgiveness, but his fingers clenched together, again. Not knowing what else he was thinking, she waited.
Finally, he spoke. “Just like that?”
Her voice softened. “Carson, I was taught that if someone offers a sincere apology, I should accept it. If I don’t, that says more about me than the person who’s apologizing for whatever they did.”
“And… now?”
Uncertain of his meaning, she tilted her head to the side. “And now you’re free to continue your investigation however you see fit. If you need me to give you more information, just ask. I still want to help in any way I can, and I hope you’re still willing to make sure Maggie is okay.”
His hands lifted, palms up. “Yes, of course, I’ll still check on her, but there’s more we need to talk about first.”
She sighed heavily and nodded. “Yes, you’re right. I need to explain what I found.” He opened his mouth as though to speak but she rushed ahead, wanting to make sure she had a chance to explain. “I had forgotten that I had the counter-surveillance equipment still in my purse. My phone had been vibrating earlier, and I thought I’d put it on silent. I reached into my purse and must have hit the ‘on’ button for the surveillance equipment. Maggie and I were outside walking and there was no one around. In fact, no trees or bushes or benches. But my purse began buzzing, and as I dug inside to see what was happening, I realized it was the gadget you’d given me. I pulled it out and that’s when I realized there was a bug implanted in the handle of Maggie’s cane.” Giving a visible shiver, she continued, “Just knowing that someone out there listens to private conversations gives me the willies and pisses me the hell off!”