“It’s been a hell of a day.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Her offer appeared genuine, but I didn’t want to discuss any of this with anyone.
Genuine or not.
“Thank you for offering, but it’s all right. Can I help with something?”
From her perusal, I knew she wasn’t going to push it.
Thank God.
I could also tell that she wanted to.
“I have these to sign, but Link told me the architect sent over plans for the motel’s redevelopment. He wanted me to tell you that Maverick says the architect’s wrong—”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course he did. What does he want? To fire the guy?”
She nodded.
“Why does he need me for that?”
“Apparently, he’s already fired the guy but the architect wants to keep the retainer. Maverick’s arguing that the architect hasn’t done his job.”
Reaching up to rub my temple, I mumbled, “Let me see the plans.”
This was the last thing I wanted to be doing, but Rex was right—I did prioritize work.
Not because I was a slave to the industrial machine, and not because I was addicted to the rat race, but because I was damn good at it.
“Rachel? Are you okay?” she asked warily as I prodded a key so hard that my keyboard went flying.
My lips pursed. “Not particularly but I’m not about to let that hold me back.”
Lily blinked. “I know how that feels.”
I didn’t know her, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know her story. Knew that her father had abused her for years. Knew that she’d been hurt day after day, week after week. For years and years and years.
Goddamn hormones had me wanting to cry.
Suddenly, my mind was in a whirlpool.
Down.
Down.
Down, I went.
It ping-ponged from the various clusterfucks of the day, each one settling on my chest like a lead weight.
Was it getting harder to breathe?
It was!
“Can I get you some water?”
I shook my head then jerked in surprise when she crouched down beside me and placed her hand on the one I’d flopped on my lap. “Rachel, would you follow my breath for a moment?”
As my brow puckered, she made a show of inhaling to a count of two, then exhaling to a count of four. I didn’t pull back because my lungs were burning, and I followed her as she upped the count to a factor of two several times over the next five minutes.
My eyes burned from the contact, but she never let go, and there was never anything but kindness in hers as we stared at one another.
“There,” she said softly. “How do you feel?”
“Better.” I swallowed. “I’m sorry for that. You shouldn’t have to see that.”
She tipped her head to the side. “Why not? You did nothing wrong,” she pointed out. “Just had an anxiety attack. Do they happen often?”
“They used to,” I admitted quietly, because Lily was calm. Kind. Non-threatening. She felt safe. “But not for a long time. Bear’s death, Rex’s leaving…” My mouth wobbled. “It’s affected me more than I’d like. More than I have time for, in all honesty.”
Her nose crinkled. “Emotions don’t care about schedules and routines.”
“That’s true,” I said with a grimace as I reached up and rubbed my brow. Desperately needing to change the subject, I asked, “Any news on the gala?”
As a Lindenbourg, her name had a lot of clout. Somehow, the event at the Victoria had gone from the so-called ’Princess hall’ to the main ballroom—‘the Queen’s suite.’ That had nothing to do with me and everything, I assumed, to do with my new liaison.
“It’s all in hand,” she assured me. “Do you speak with anyone, Rachel?”
My brow furrowed, discomfort at the question filling me.
“I know that’s a very private thing to discuss, but you…” She winced. “You didn’t look so good for a second there.”
I had to assume that was her being kind.
After the day I’d had, I probably looked like shit. It was no wonder she was asking when she was used to seeing me dressed to impress and not like a bag of laundry.
“I used to see a shrink, but I stopped that years ago.”
“Why?”
“Because…” My mouth twisted as I thought about how to answer that without sounding like a lunatic.
Some days, I sure as hell felt like one.
After nights with no sleep and nightmares that were on a loop.
After days of craving Rex only to see his face and be flashed back to those moments when his bastard uncle was writhing on top of me, his body entering mine as Dog held me down, pinching my nose—
A choking sound escaped me, and then Lily was there again. Her hand was on mine, squeezing gently, taking us back to the breathing exercise.
I’d done a million breathing exercises in my time, but it was the way her pretty eyes looked into mine that helped calm me.
Someone who understood what it was like to have your choices taken from you.
Who understood the trauma of not being able to escape a memory.
When I’d calmed down, I choked out, “I was suicidal for a long time at the end of my teen years. I had a shrink then. I was always scared they’d hospitalize me again.”
Her eyes flickered at the ‘again,’ but before I could feel any shame, she rasped, “Maybe you should talk with Tiffany? She almost graduated in her field, and while that’s not… I know you can afford the best psychiatrists in New York, but if you don’t trust them to—” She swallowed. “Tiff helps me. She really does.”
I stared into those kind eyes and asked, “Is that why you let her mother live there?”
Her smile was sheepish. “To a certain extent. I’ve known her all my life, and she really was like a second mother to me. It’s only since Richard died that she’s turned into such a bitch. If the situation were reversed, I know Tiff would care for my mom.”
Her mom who’d been murdered by her dad.
God.
“I haven’t been this out of control for years,” I admitted.
A part of me knew the pregnancy was the reason for it—excess hormones and I didn’t go well together—but I didn’t want to tell her that.
I hadn’t told anyone in our inner circle.
Giulia had figured it out then told Nyx, who’d informed the goddamn council, but I hadn’t said it out loud to anyone close to us.
That was for Rex.
I wouldn’t let him down again, and I’d tell him soon. When things were better between us. When…
I didn’t know when, but I would.
He’d undoubtedly get pissed at me over delaying, but that was next week’s problem. I had enough to handle this week.
“Grief shakes everything up,” Lily agreed. “It helped that I didn’t care about my father at all. I was glad he was dead, glad to take a part in that. Otherwise that would have been very hard to cope with.”
Nodding, I said, “Makes sense.”
“It also helped that I had Link,” Lily said softly. “He never rushed me. Not even after he branded me.” She turned her wrist face up and I looked at the geometric lines of her fox tattoo.