“I’ll be there if you think I’ll fit in.”
She snorted. “Unfortunately for our guys, they’ve all picked women who’ve been fucked over by men. Really, they’re lucky that we don’t go to bed at night with knives and when they touch us, we don’t threaten their dicks.”
“Amara does.”
Giulia frowned. “She’d better not lop off my brother’s dick. Well, unless he deserves it.”
I almost laughed. “What would make him almost deserve it?”
“Dunno yet. I don’t know if Nyx’s dick could even be cut off. It’s half metal after all.”
My lips twisted. “He’s family, Giulia.”
“Everyone knows he has a cyborg dick,” she dismissed.
“You’re right, you know?”
“I usually am,” she said with a chuckle.
“No, I mean, about the Old Ladies. They’re all victims.”
“In one way or another,” she agreed. “Stone wasn’t fucked over by a man, but she nearly lost her life to someone. Tiffany didn’t, thank God, but she got kidnapped.” Giulia grimaced. “Honestly, it’s a wonder we’re all not locked up in an asylum, rocking back and forth in our straitjackets.”
“Trust me, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.”
Her eyes widened. “You were institutionalized?”
I turned my gaze away. “I was. I didn’t… I mean, the straitjacket thing didn’t happen, but I was in a hospital.”
“Why?”
“A-After… my best friend, Hunter, he killed—”
“Your rapist,” Giulia supplied helpfully.
Well, I figured she assumed she was being helpful.
Mostly, I just felt like I’d been sucker punched.
I didn’t talk about this stuff. Not even to Rory. I’d discussed it with Scott and Craig, but that had been a lifetime ago.
“Yes. Him. I-I lost it.”
“Why?”
My mouth wobbled. “He said that he loved my curves and my belly.”
Giulia’s nose crinkled. “That’s disgusting. He raped you because you were pregnant? Eww. I’m glad he’s dead. That’s just gross. You don’t covet another dude’s baby momma. That’s wrong on so many levels.”
I swallowed. “Y-Yes. It is.” Feeling nauseated again, I whispered, “Every day I got bigger, every day it was like my own body was a threat. I-I stopped eating…”
“You’re lucky your kid wasn’t premature.”
“She nearly was. But Rex got me… He put me in the hospital before that could happen.”
“No one at the MC knew?”
“No. I worked that summer and was in the hospital for Christmas.”
Giulia studied me. “Rex ain’t never said a word of this to anyone, has he?”
“I doubt it. He’s a very private man. We both are.”
“What? Private men?” Giulia tapped my arm with a smirk. “You definitely belong in our Posse, Rach.”
“Posse?” I frowned. “What?”
“Posse. It’s my gang of Old Ladies.”
“I’m not an Old Lady.”
She smirked at me. “You will be. Second he finds out you’re baking another bun in that oven, you’ll be branded. Mark my words. That’s when you’ll get the official invite to the Posse.”
She said that like it was a royal decree.
Rolling my eyes, I grumbled, “I don’t know if I want to be his Old Lady—not for that reason.”
Giulia’s snort was both kind and dismissive. Which was a lot to pack into a snort, but it helped that her eyes were gentle, and her hand on my arm was affectionate. “You’ve been pining away for him for years.”
“How do you know that?” I demanded crossly. “I’ve got a very successful—”
“Yada, yada, yada,” Giulia interrupted before I could finish. “What you have is no life. You work all hours God sends, you don’t do anything aside from sit at your desk and help criminals escape justice—which I’m not complaining about, mind you.
“You don’t even eat that much, and I think you used to drink because that’s a pretty hefty wine collection, but you can’t do that now you’re preggers.” She sniffed. “Now, I’m a full believer that a woman don’t need a man if she don’t want one. But you do. You’ve been wanting this one for years. It’s clear to anyone with eyes when you look at him.”
“That’s not true.”
“You should look in the mirror when he’s around. Trust me. This whole ice block chic thing you got going on starts to melt when he’s there.”
“No, that’s—”
“The truth,” she said firmly. “And Rachel, you know what? That’s okay. Love makes the fucking world go around. The cynic in me wants to say it’s money and pasta, but nah, love is what puts fire in your belly. It’s what makes getting out of bed worthwhile. When you got the man at your side, why wouldn’t you want to see what life has to throw at you?”
My mouth wobbled again. “I’m weak.”
“Nah,” she scoffed. “You’re hella strong. Rach, I cried. You saw me cry. I don’t do tears. If a baby can do that to me, why shouldn’t it fuck with you? Not even hard as stone bitches can escape estrogen.”
It wasn’t even just that.
It was what being pregnant meant. It was how Bear had died. It was knowing that Rex was building a relationship with our daughter while I was hiding away in New Jersey.
So many things had gone wrong over the years, and it was like it was all coming to a head at the same time.
Sucking in a breath, I rasped, “He figured out today why I can’t sleep with him.”
“Sleep as in sleep or fuck?”
“Sleep.”
She tipped her head to the side. “What reason’s that?”
I stared at her, the daughter of one of my rapists, and I wondered if she could handle the truth. The full truth.
“One of my attackers was his uncle. He looks like him.”
Giulia hissed. “Jesus, that fucking sucks.” Her brow puckered. “Can’t he, I dunno, dye his hair green or something?”
How the hell she made me laugh at that moment, I didn’t have a clue.
But it escaped me, bubbling past my lips as if I didn’t have any control over it. I slapped a hand over my mouth to contain it, but though she’d smirked at me at first, I saw the concern in her eyes.
“M-Maybe I’ll suggest that to him.”
“Do. I’d like to see him with green hair.” She angled her head to the side. “You said attackers. You mean… on that night?”
“No. The guy who was killed was another night.”
“You’ve been attacked twice? Honey, what the hell is going on with your head that you don’t think you deserve help?” Unable to look at her, I just stared down at my arm. She sighed. “Who was the other attacker?”
I swallowed. “Your dad.”
FORTY