“No, something is wrong, did you…. did you see him?” She held her breath; it was obvious.
“No!”
“Oh, thank heaven.”
“I saw his old man.”
“No, Gabe, why? Why would you get involved with that family?” She took both my hands in hers as if to compel me.
“If you didn’t want me to go there, you should never have told me what was done to you, never told me what I came from. I’m not blaming you; I’m just trying to explain to you why I am who I am and why I have to do what I have to.” It’s the closest I’d ever come to accusing her, but the look of sorrow in her eyes made me feel guilt.
“I’m sorry, Ma, everything’s okay. I’m home now. Where are the twins?”
“Your grandparents took them off somewhere for the weekend. They should be back tomorrow.” Oh, I guess nana forgot to tell me she was leaving town in our last conversation. I heard someone calling for me from downstairs then Lance was bounding up the stairs.
“Go, he’s been like a bear with his paw caught.” She smiled and patted my cheek before I turned and left the room.
“Hey Lancelot, what brings you here? Shouldn’t you be hunting down criminals?”
“Funny, where the heck have you been?”
“I had to take care of something.”
“Still not gonna tell me, huh.”
“Where did the twins go with nana?”
“Oh, that.” He grinned.
“I’m not sure. Uncle Gar was about to go after the grandparent about something or the other, and they hightailed it out of here with the girls, something about gramps not feeling too good and needing sun, so my guess is the island.”
“Why was Uncle Garrett upset with the grands?”
“Beats me, but he and Unc’s been shut away behind closed doors for the last two days or so.”
“Hmm!” Pop snitched, and Uncle Garrett got pissed, and the grands booked it to escape one of his lectures.
“Gabe Russo! Where the hell are you? Get down here.”
“Oops, you’re up. I’ma be in your room when you’re done.” He jogged down the hallway, and I sighed before going to face the fire. I already knew what I was going to say to everyone. Since Ma, Pop, and Lance were taken care of, all that was left with Uncle Garrett and the twins.
He did the same once over up and down as Pop before pulling me in. “You’re okay? Nobody touched you?”
“I’m fine Unc, I….”
“You don’t have to say anything, your father told me. I understand why you did it, but don’t do it again. Let your dad handle it, you hear me?” I just smiled because I won’t lie to him either. “How’s my aunt doing? Is she here with you?”
“No, your grandma, that wretched old woman took her off somewhere with the twins. Your mother was supposed to go too, but she was too worried about you to leave. Sheila went because they took your grandpa Antonelli under the guise of getting him out of the house, and you know those two are joined at the hip.”
“Oh, reinforcements.”
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing, thanks for checking up on me; Lancelot’ waiting for me. I better go see what he wants.” Yes, and avoid the lecture I know is coming.
“Okay, go ahead, I’m gonna go see your Pop.” Escape!
GIANNA
“Oh, poor thing, you look dead on your feet. Why don’t you take a nap? Ron and I got this. You expressed enough milk, and we’ve pureed enough food that we should be fine for a bit.” A nap sounded wonderful, but the guilt would kill me. I hate burdening them even more than I already have. I’ve tried paying them for all the help they’ve given, but they wouldn’t hear of it, which only compounds my guilt.
Secretly though, I know I wouldn’t have made it without them. I’d like to find those women who sit behind computer screens and make childcare seem like a cakewalk. Then again, none of them has had the pleasure of trying to raise Gabriel Russo’s offspring.
I don’t see how it is that I did all the work, almost broke my back carrying a tummy that was about half my size, and in the end, I didn’t pass on even my eye color. I wish I could be irritated by that fact, but in truth, it warms my heart to look at Gabriel’s face. Sometimes in the dead of night, when I’m sitting in the handmade rocker Ron had made, with a child at my breast and my defenses down, I can’t help but wish that he was here to see us.
“I think I’ll take you up on that nap.” I didn’t think babies learned to crawl at five months old. All the books say different, but I guess I should’ve known mine would be different, with Gabriel as a father. I slogged off to bed and dropped down like a lodestone, but sleep didn’t come as easy as it should have.
It’s going to be Xmas in a few days, the second Xmas without Gabriel. I remember looking forward to this time with him and his family a little more than a year ago. Has it been that long already? The stupid tears that have been plaguing me much of late threatened again, and I turned my face into the pillow to stifle the sound of my sobs.
Some days I just like to have a pity party. Instead of fighting my true thoughts and trying to be the bigger person, I just let all the rage and anger I feel inside take center stage. Of course, that doesn’t last long because there’s more than just me to think about, but it does feel good when it happens. Worse than those days, though, are the times when I’m tempted to call him, just to hear his voice somewhere other than in my dreams.
Too many nights, I wake up reaching for him only to find myself alone in my cold bed with tears drying on my face. I wish I knew when this agony would end. I thought I’d be at peace with just a little piece of him for myself, but I’m even lonelier now with the constant reminder of him. And as much as I love, there’s a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
GABRIEL
It’s the holidays, more than a year since she left. My anger has turned to indifference and back to anger time and again. That hole she blasted into me refuses to be filled, and I wish some days that I’d never started this game with Ricci, that I’d just stuck to my original plan and ended him months ago and be done with this hell. It’s too late for regrets now, though. I’d started the ball rolling, and now there was no turning back.
I’ve been playing cat and mouse with Sal for the last five months, making his need to see me almost unbearable. I keep in touch just enough to satisfy my purpose, but never enough for him. Most humans don’t realize that when you starve someone of the love they so desperately want, they’d cling to you and forsake those who are right in front of them. It’s always the one who got away.
I lived through Xmas day, put on the face I knew my family wanted to see, and said all the right things in all the right places. They’d let their guards down again, well, except for Pop. He still keeps a close watch but not close enough that I can’t get around him. It helps that my team has decided that since they can’t stop me, they might as well join me. It took them long enough. Poor guys, they’re caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to keep both me and Pop satisfied.