Protest rose swiftly, from whence I knew not. “If Gunnar truly cared about me, he would buy my freedom.” Was that what I really believed? Was that why I’d been so disappointed in his rejection again?
“Because Gunnar cares about you, he knows he has to keep away from you.”
“Why must he stay away from me but not other women?”
“You’re different.”
The raging of questions inside me came to a halt.
Something deep inside me had sensed our attraction was real, that we shared a genuine connection, that I hadn’t imagined the interest in his eyes or the force pulling us together. The trouble was I’d never known if he felt that way about me alone, or if he had this kind of connection with multiple women.
“How do you know I’m different?”
“He’s always cared for you. Always. Even from your youngest of days.”
I shook my head. “I once caught him with another woman.”
Nanna released a weary breath. “He made a show of being with her to keep the earl from suspecting how much he liked you.”
“No—”
“Yes. The night before his last departure, I made him do it.”
My response dried up, and I could only stare at Nanna’s dear face.
“I warned him to stay away from you then, and I told him to stay away this time as well.” Even as she whispered the words, she lifted her chin as though daring me to be angry with her.
I tried to process Nanna’s confession, but my mind was spinning too fast. “Why?” It was the only question I could think to ask. “Why would you keep us apart?”
“If the earl discovers Gunnar’s affection for you, you’ll no longer be safe here.”
“I’m a strong woman—”
She cut me off with an impatient wave of her hand. “It doesn’t matter how strong you are, the earl will keep you his prisoner in order to exert control over Gunnar.”
“Gunnar’s strong too.”
“Gunnar’s feelings for you run deep. All Bernhard needs to do is threaten to harm you, and he’ll have control of Gunnar for life.”
I wanted to take satisfaction from Nanna’s assurance about Gunnar’s feelings for me. But another part of me couldn’t quite believe her. Gunnar had never made any declarations of his affection. What if Nanna was mistaken or had misread Gunnar’s intentions?
Whatever the case, I needed to use more caution. The earl was already callous and uncaring enough toward Gunnar. I didn’t want Gunnar to face worse treatment at his brother’s hands.
Perhaps Nanna had been right all along to discourage our friendship. The less time Gunnar and I spent together, the less people would talk and spread rumors.
As if sensing my acceptance of what must be, Nanna reached for my hand and squeezed it between her two boney ones, her skin cold and clammy. “That’s why the safest thing for you and Gunnar is if you marry Frans.”
I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. “I don’t know if Frans will want to marry me now. . . .”
“He loves you—”
“He saw me—well, he saw Gunnar and me—earlier today—”
Nanna’s brow rose.
“We kissed.”
Her face didn’t register surprise, but she gave a sharp shake of her head as though frustrated. “Did anyone else see you?”
“I don’t think so.”
She stared unseeingly into the darkness of the room, thinking quietly for several moments before speaking. “I’ll instruct Gunnar to make a show of being with another woman tonight and then not to seek you out again here in the nursery or anywhere.” I shook my head, but she cut me off. “On the morrow, you’ll go to Frans, tell him what a fool you were, and beg him to take the bride money and marry you with all haste.”
I didn’t want Gunnar to make a show of liking another woman. And I didn’t want to be with another man, even Frans. But what other choice did I have? I’d been born into the earl’s family and would remain his until the day I died.
The frustration deep inside swelled up, making me want to cry out. The system was unfair, the injustices too pervasive. And I burned with the need to bring about changes.
But how could I help others when I couldn’t begin to help myself?
And if what Nanna said was true, then not even Gunnar could help me. He was bound by the laws of the land and the customs that had been in place for centuries. Worse, he was rendered helpless by the cruelty of his brother, the same way we all were.
Whatever the future held, I didn’t want to hurt Frans again. “I cannot ask Frans to marry me, not when I won’t be able to give him my whole heart.”
Nanna cradled my cheek. “Maybe he will be satisfied with having only as much love as you can give.”
Why must either Frans or I settle for less than true love? And why couldn’t we fight for more?
My questions begged to be spoken, but I knew my grandmother had survived these many years by not asking questions, by doing as she was told, and by finding ways to survive amidst the unfairness.
If I followed her example, I would remain safe. But could I be satisfied with that? Or was I destined for more?
Chapter
11
Gunnar
I ducked into a dark alley and glanced behind me. I searched the blackness but didn’t see anyone.
Tonight, I’d done my best to elude Bernhard’s spies—spies following Torvald and me all week. At the last tavern I’d visited, I’d made a point of staggering outside with a woman tucked against my body. I’d disappeared into the inn next door with her. After paying her to tell everyone I’d spent the night there, I’d escaped out a back window and made my way here, to this alley in the poorest slums of the city.
I needed the news of my debauchery to reach the castle and Bernhard. Nanna had instructed me to make a scene with a woman and keep the attention off Mikaela, and hopefully this ruse would suffice.
I loathed the prospect of hurting Mikaela if she learned of my so-called revelry. But even if I hurt her in the short term, she would be safer this way.
If only I’d learned my lesson the last time I’d been home. Instead, I’d made the same mistake again and was bringing her more heartache.
Since walking away from her in the gardens, I’d beaten myself up over the kiss at least a hundred times. I hadn’t planned to go to the nursery later for story time, had tried to stay away, but I’d decided I needed to visit Rikissa and Renate.
Upon my appearance, Mikaela had rushed from the room, clearly not wishing to see me. I’d longed to chase after her, pull her into my arms, and tell her I didn’t want her to marry Frans. In fact, the very thought of her being with Frans wrenched at my insides and tore me apart. And it hadn’t made any difference how many times I’d reminded myself that he loved her and would take good care of her.
Instead of thinking on Mikaela and Frans, I’d resolved to put them from my mind and focus on the mission, so that by the time Torvald returned we would have more clues.
Now in the early morning hour, with the city asleep and only the thieves and troublemakers awake, I prayed I’d reach my destination without Bernhard learning of where I’d gone.