“Sexy leather apron,” Kate corrects with a warm smile. “And good for you. It sounds like you made the right career change. Creative types like us are way more fun than the suited stiffs.”
She laughs but all I can do is picture Max in his suits. God, he wears them so well. And in the mornings when his hair is still damp from his shower, and he’s just applied his cologne…there is nothing hotter in the universe. I miss it more than I’d miss charcuterie boards.
“Well, I’m a clean bill of health now,” I respond, refocusing my thoughts. “And please don’t worry about my quality of work. I promise you that I am healthy as a horse and doing better than ever.”
“Cozy…you don’t have to answer to me,” Kate says, pressing her hand on my shoulder. “I’m not your boss. I’m your client. You’re your own cock-making boss bitch and you call the cum shots on your career. Got it?”
I giggle and nod. “Got it.”
“And the best part about being your own boss is finding ways to take care of yourself. Like for me, Miles and Tuck are my stress relievers. When I’m feeling the pressure of my passion…because don’t get it twisted, passion is not devoid of pressure…all I have to do is reconnect with them and it’s like the best natural medicine in the world.”
My eyes instantly begin to sting with her words that spear through a wall that I had built firmly up around myself as images of Max and Everly fill my mind. The three of us zip-lining, baking cookies on sleepover night, swimming, dancing, laughing, cuddling, kissing—all of it has been my own natural medicine all summer…and I didn’t even realize it.
“Whoa, whoa, what’s happening?” Kate asks, pointing at my face that’s now full-on ugly crying. “What did I say? I have a big fucking mouth and no filter, and sometimes I hurt people’s feelings without even knowing it.”
“It’s nothing,” I reply and sniff loudly, turning away from Kate. “I’m just a big, dumb idiot.”
“Hey, I’m President of the big, dumb, idiot club and I haven’t seen you at our meetings,” Kate says, walking over and rubbing my back as she wipes a tear off my face. “What’s going on?”
I lick my lips and shake my head. “I just…really screwed things up with a guy I’ve been seeing.”
“Max?”
My face contorts at her guessing him. “Um…how would you—”
“Okay, full disclosure, I know you guys are a thing,” Kate blurts, a guilty look on her face. “Max told Dean. Dean told me. I told Lynsey. Lynsey told Josh. Miles and Norah are in on this telephone game…so yeah…we all knew you guys were banging.”
“Jeez,” I groan in mortification.
“But it’s not just sex anymore, right? You guys were like…dating and stuff?”
I exhale heavily. “Yes…were being the operative word. I ended it last weekend.”
“Why? What happened?”
I shrug dismissively. “I found out his company was merging with my former horrible company, and I freaked out. It triggered me in the most horrific way. Then he told me he was in love with me, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back! I mean, when Max and I were just lusting after each other and dating in secret, it was fun and exciting. There wasn’t any pressure yet. Then he dropped the love bomb and suddenly, I felt weak and unsafe, just like I felt as an employee under that asshole, Jenson Hunsberger. It’s like I could see myself on the floor of my former office all over again. Letting Max love me means my mental health is at the mercy of another man in power. That is way too scary of a thought for me. Romantically or in business, I’m terrified of being hurt again.”
“Of course you are, you had a fucking stroke,” Kate confirms bluntly, her tone fiercely supportive. “A stroke is going to fuck with any one of us for a while.”
“Which is why I had to end it. He deserves to find someone who’s stronger than me. Someone who can handle his corporate lifestyle and the inevitable assholes that come with that territory…like my former boss. He deserves to find someone strong enough to love him back without fear of everything falling apart.” My chest aches at the idea of him opening his heart to someone else. He has so much to offer a woman and I just happened to be the willy-nilly hot mess that stumbled into his boardroom.
“You think there’s a woman stronger than the one who made me five cocktuterie boards in a week?” Kate deadpans. “No such woman exists. She would be a fearsome thing to behold, though.”
I groan in frustration. “These boards are different. I feel safe here. I do not feel safe with Max. I feel like I could be swallowed whole by him and lose sight of all that I’ve fought to gain back in my life.”
“I think you’re forgetting one very important fact, Cozy.” Kate lifts her eyebrows meaningfully as her face grows serious. “Being vulnerable only makes you weak if you’re around predators. Being vulnerable with someone good and decent like Max can make you fiercely strong. Miles and Tucker make me feel like I could move mountains. They motivate me to crush my goals and go after my dreams. I want to make them proud, whether it’s opening a charity bookstore or just throwing in a frozen pizza. I live for them.”
I inhale sharply as the words I said in Max’s kitchen hit me out of nowhere. “You’ve inspired me to start dreaming again.”
I glance over at the worktable full of cocks—a strange sign of love and strength, but not entirely off brand for this stage in my crazy life.
And I have to admit, the idea of living for someone other than myself for once feels…comforting. I was so isolated and alone in Denver. Maybe Kate’s right and a good partner can help with your stress, not add to it. Maybe I’m a fucking idiot who has learned nothing from my near-death experience and has destined myself to a life of solace because I was too afraid to see what was really in my heart.
My voice is soft when I ask, “What if I’m not strong enough to risk myself, Kate?”
“You’re a survivor, Cozy. And survivors are some of the strongest people I know.”
“We wrapped early!” Jessica exclaims into the phone Monday morning as I drive to Denver for my meeting with the board. “Momma is coming home!”
“Shit, really?” I ask with my brows furrowed. “Like when?”
“Like Saturday!” Jessica laughs. “But don’t tell Everly. I want to surprise her. I am so excited, Max. You have no idea.”
“I can hear it,” I reply dryly, my chest aching at the thought of my extra time with Everly coming to a close so soon. I’ve seen such growth in her this summer. I don’t know if it was because she was around more or because she explored different parts of her personality, but she really is turning into a young woman now. And now I’ll have to go back to being a weekend dad, which sucks, but she’s missed her mom, so I know this is for the best. Just a tough pill to swallow.
That thought makes me wonder… “What are we going to do about…the nanny? We hired her through the end of the summer.”
Jessica hems and haws for a bit. “I think we can just pay her for the rest of the summer and dismiss her early. I’m going to want to spend as much time with Everly as I can before she goes back to school.”