I nod and chew the inside of my cheek as I consider that. “Yeah…okay. I’m sure she’ll need time to find a place to live. This is three weeks earlier than expected. I don’t know what her plans are so I don’t want to stress her out.”
“Can’t she just stay in the tiny house as long as she needs? I mean…are you in a hurry to get her out of there?”
“No, why would you say that?” I snap, my hands tightening on the wheel defensively.
“Easy, Max, I was just asking a question.”
I sigh heavily. I’m so fucking obvious, it’s painful. “This is great news, Jess. Everly will be thrilled to see you.”
“Max.”
“What?”
“What is going on?” Jess’s tone is probing, and I can already see her eyes pinning me to my seat. “You sound stressed out more than usual.”
“I’m on my way to a big meeting regarding the merger. There have been some developments.”
Jess tsks. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“It’s not,” I drone, hoping this meeting goes my way because otherwise, I’m not sure what my options are.
“So…nothing more about Cozy that you want to talk about?” Jess asks, her tone cautious.
My eyes narrow. “Other than her living situation, no. Why would you ask that?”
There’s a pause on the other end of the line.
“Jess…you’re hesitating. I don’t like when you hesitate.”
“Everly made me promise not to tell you.”
“Jessica, you know I hate when you keep shit from me about Everly. Whatever it is, just tell me.”
She moans a noise of annoyance before blurting out, “She told me she thinks you’re in love with Cozy.”
I nearly drive off the fucking road. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not, Max. I wouldn’t joke with you about this.”
“When did she say that?” I ask, chills running up my spine at this surprising remark.
“A few weeks ago. Then last week she said you were sad.”
Dammit, that kid is too intuitive for her own good. She must be a fucking emotional empath or something. “I’m not sad, Jess.”
“You sound sad.”
“The connection is bad in Bulgaria.”
“Max…what’s going on with you two?”
“Nothing, Jess. It’s over,” I state, trying to get her off this line of questioning. “I don’t know how Everly knows anything because we were always very careful and very appropriate, I promise.”
“Max, you don’t have to sell me on this. I know you. I trust you. In fact, I was kind of excited that you were a little inappropriate for once. And I already like Cozy…not that my opinion on your love life really matters. But for the record, I think she’d be great for you.”
I sigh heavily. “There’s no love life, Jess.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not right for each other.”
“Says who?”
“Says me,” I answer harshly.
“Well, I think that sucks,” Jess tuts. “I was hopeful you were finally taking a chance on someone for once. It’s been heartbreaking watching you live your life alone all these years and knowing I was the one that made you like that.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty for, Jess.” I reach down and untie my tie, feeling suddenly like I’m sitting in the hot seat. “You can’t control your sexuality any more than I can control mine.”
Her voice is strained when she replies, “I know, but I know you struggled with thinking everything in our past wasn’t real…and you’re just so wrong about that. I loved you, Max. I loved you in all the ways I knew how to love you at the time. You are my family. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I considered staying with you forever despite my sexuality because I loved our family, and I loved you! But ultimately, I knew that wasn’t fair to you.”
“I know all this, Jess. We did the therapy. I’m good.”
“I don’t think you are. I don’t think you’ve ever really let it sink in. You’ve read the books and done the therapy. You’re an ally and a great co-parent, but you haven’t forgiven our past. Our life together was not a cloudy storm. It was sunshine and rainbows. They were the best years of my life. You made me a mom, Max. We made Everly together. She is you. She is me. She is ours. Nothing about her creation should feel darkened to you.”
“She doesn’t feel darkened, Jess,” I croak, my voice thick in my throat at just the mention of thinking of Everly that way. She is my saving grace in this crazy place called life. The one person I can count on who will always love me back.
“Then stop rewriting our family history. Let our good memories drive you to make new memories. Let them finally heal and open your heart up to be loved and desired in a full way.”
“I tried, Jess,” I exclaim, feeling frustrated that everything my ex is saying are things I wanted with Cassandra. “I told her I was in love with her. It didn’t fucking matter. Maybe there is something about me that prevents women from really seeing me for me. Maybe I am unlovable.”
“You look in our daughter’s eyes and I dare you to say that to her. I dare you, Max Fletcher,” Jess snaps, her voice harsh. “Everly will turn you into a puddle on the floor if you say that bullshit to her. You are loved. You are loved by her, by me, by Kailey. Your family, your friends. And if that nanny isn’t in love with you, then I’m glad I’m coming home early because she’s clearly too stupid to be watching our daughter.”
The laughter hurts my chest, and I can’t help but shake my head at this very bizarre conversation I’m having before eight o’clock on a Monday morning. “I miss you, Jess.”
“I’m always right here, Max.” Her voice is tender and thick, quaking at the end. “You’re kind of my best friend, you know.”
“You’re definitely not mine,” I reply with a giant smile.
She giggles, and I steel myself before saying, “I love you, Jess.”
She inhales sharply. “I love you too, Max.”
Tuesday morning feels like any other day. It’s nearing six o’clock as I tiptoe across the deck in my loungewear with my Kindle in hand, ready for another day of nannying with a tortured heart. I’ve forgone the spicy romance novels I have been consuming all summer for something a bit less…well…painful.
A tragic genre by the name of…self-help.
When I slide the door open, I’m wondering how many pages it will take before I nod off while reading when Max’s voice has me nearly jump out of my skin.
“Cassandra, can we talk for a moment?” My heart thunders in my chest at the view of him standing in his kitchen in a classic black suit, white shirt, slim black tie, perfectly gelled hair. He looks ridiculously handsome. I haven’t seen him much since the charity gala because when I come in, he goes out. No chitchat, no morning coffee, no teasing smirks…just a view of his impressive backside.
“Okay,” I reply, setting my Kindle down on the accent table to feign some semblance of confidence.