Ben and Lily watch from the shade of a tree, and when we’re done, Olly gives me a high-five, and Johnny lifts me in a sweaty hug.
“Gross.” I laugh and shove him off me.
“That was awesome, woman.”
Amelia gives me a quiet thanks and heads back to the cabin as I make my way over to Ben.
“You doing okay?” I ask as I take Lily, who’s holding out her arms to me.
“No. Not really. Would you mind watching her for a bit? I want to go for a run, blow off some steam.” His jaw is tight, and I can see that vein in his temple.
“Sure.”
He heads toward the trail that leads to the lake when he turns around. “I’m sorry I missed your yoga session. Maybe I could join you tomorrow or whenever you do it again.”
I nod. “Whenever.”
He gives me a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and takes off into the woods at a full sprint.
24
BEN
Janelle’s hateful words ricochet in my head as my feet pound the winding path around the lake.
“You’ll be a terrible father. You’re selfish. Even your sister knows it.”
“I left you because Ernest made me feel loved. You never let me in.”
“Your family’d be pissed if they knew you weren’t giving me a chance. If they knew you were hooking up with some random bitch.”
It’s true I might prove to be a terrible father. Not saying I’m perfect, but damn, she knew where to sink that dagger.
All the guilt I’ve carried from not being there for Gabby when we were kids suddenly feels like a weight on my chest.
I confided in Janelle when we were younger. She knows about my nightmares. About my fear that my sister would die. About how I had to distance myself from my old life so I didn’t lose my shit. For Janelle to turn that on me feels really low. Has she always been this vindictive, and I was too stupid to see it?
As for me never letting her in, the fact she knows enough about my past to throw it in my face speaks volumes. Not that she wanted to hear it.
Her biggest beef was about Sienna. She hates that we’re dating, but I won’t apologize. She knew full well what she was facing when she accepted Johnny’s invitation on this vacation.
Sienna’s been nothing but nice to her. You want a definition for classy? It has a big-ass photo of Sienna on it. Janelle has been snide and insulting this whole trip, but Sienna has only been patient and understanding.
Did I say I wanted to work out something long-term with Sienna? I’d have to be out of my fucking head to think I could handle a relationship while trying to deal with Janelle, who is making me certifiably insane.
By the time I make it back to our cabin, I’m lightheaded and dripping with sweat. I grab my shirt out of my waistband and use it to mop my face.
The living room is empty. I figure everyone went to lunch, but when I round the corner to my room, I find Sienna on the floor with Lily. They’re spread out on a blanket, playing with blocks.
“Hey.” I’m still panting from running like my ass was on fire. “Where is everyone?”
“Horseback riding.”
I frown and glance down at the peanut. “Even Janelle?”
“Yeah. They might have gone to lunch first. I’m not sure.”
I’m surprised Janelle left our kid with Sienna since she just spent the morning screaming in my face about her.
“This is not how I wanted to spend this trip. I’m sorry babysitting fell to you. I offered to watch Lily today, but Janelle freaked out.”
Sienna gives me a patient smile. “It’s okay.”
Sienna’s too chill. Sometimes I want her to get pissed. Janelle’s been a royal bitch to her. A part of me is relieved Sienna is watching Lily instead of anyone else, but why should she do Janelle any favors?
But she doesn’t need me to psychoanalyze her.
“Give me ten to take a shower, and I’ll take y’all to grab something to eat.”
“We already ate, but we can go with you if you’d like company.”
Her sweet understanding makes me feel like shit for some reason. I don’t get why. I guess I wanna do something nice for her, but I’m not sure what.
Plus, I think we need to talk.
“Okay, then how about we go horseback riding like we planned? Just the three of us.”
That gets me a genuine smile. “If that’s not too much trouble, then yeah, I’d like to go.” She looks down at the baby. “If you think Lily can handle it. She hasn’t had her nap yet.”
Fuck.
I snap the rubber bands on my wrist several times while I think about our options. “So let’s let her nap, and then try the stables?”
“Sure.”
Her one-word response bugs me, but I’m pretty sure I’m the asshole here, not her.
She picks up Lily and snuggles her on the bed.
After I scrub off in the shower, I rest my forehead on the tile and let the hot water wash over me. If I could, I would rewind today and do things differently. Maybe not yell at Janelle. Especially in front of our kid.
Just because Janelle’s a dick to me doesn’t excuse me reciprocating that behavior.
I swallow, remembering my mom saying stuff like that. Well, minus using the word ‘dick.’
Thinking of her makes my chest feel tight, so I finish washing off and jump out before I begin rocking in the corner. I’d give anything to talk to my mom right now and ask her what I should do in this situation, but if I let myself think about it too much, it’ll fuck me up.
And I’m a big enough fuckup.
After I get dressed, I find Sienna sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV, which isn’t on.
“You okay?” I ask slowly as I lower myself next to her.
“Yeah.”
From my limited experience, women who give one-word responses are never okay.
“Sorry you had to listen to all that this morning. And I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess. This is turning out to be a giant clusterfuck.”
She swallows and nods slowly.
“Listen—”
“You know—”
We both stop and smile at each other. But even though her lips tug up, there’s a crestfallen look in her eyes I’m not used to.
“Go ahead.” I motion to her. “You first.”
She stares at her hands in her lap. “I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you don’t want to do this anymore. We started this charade to make things easier for you, and it’s obviously having the opposite effect. Maybe things with Janelle would calm down if I wasn’t around.”
Fuck, that’s not what I thought she was going to say.
Before I can respond, she nods. “You can still use Gabby’s old room for as long as you need. I realize that finding a place at the last minute would be tough. So it’s yours if you need it. I can... I can just make myself scarce for a while to give you a chance to work things out with Janelle. Whatever that means.”
She’s so calm and reassuring I want to kiss her. Sienna is the complete opposite of my ex, and I love that about her.
Every conversation I have with Janelle makes me wanna bang my head against the wall. But Sienna makes me feel calm. At peace. Like I’m in control of my shit. And when she’s around, I want to reassure her. Protect her. Love up on her. Show her I’m grateful she puts up with my sorry ass.