My head is spinning. I’m not sure where to start.
I should walk away from Sienna for her sake. What sane woman would want to involve herself in my crazy life? But the thought of us going our separate ways sends a fresh wave of panic through me.
“Are you fake-breaking up with me?” I try to infuse as much levity in my words as possible.
Her eyes, which are surprisingly shiny, meet mine, and she gives me a sad smile. “We’re friends, Ben. As friends, we have to do what’s best for each other.”
“Come here.” Before she says anything, I lift her onto my lap and kiss her. “We’re not breaking up. Fake or otherwise.”
My heart pounds as I say those words. Because wouldn’t a real friend want the best for Sienna? My life is a mess right now, but fuck, I don’t want to let her go.
She leans back to look at me. The silence stretches out. Then she tilts her head. “Are you suggesting... you want to date for real?” Her eyes get playful. “I mean, I did already give you a key to my place.”
All the things I wanna say are tumbling around in my head. With the draft in May, a new coach, a kid, and an unhinged ex, I know I can’t offer her what she needs. But maybe we could level up a little.
“Sienna, I just fucking like being around you. I’ma tell you this right now—I’d lose my shit if I saw you dating someone else. And I’ve never felt like that about anyone. Even Janelle.” I take a deep breath. “But I need to be honest, I don’t know what my life will look like in a few months, much less next year. What I do know is I’d like to spend whatever time I have with you, and only you, for... however long we can make it.”
Not a rousing argument in my favor, I’ll admit.
She looks like she doesn’t know what to make of what I just said.
Fuck it.
“Yes, let’s date. Let’s do this.” Because that’s the scenario I just described, right? Dating? An exclusive relationship between two people. I’m so fucking rusty at this shit, it’s not even funny.
Never mind that a new relationship is the last thing I need.
Except we’re talking about Sienna. Beautiful, sweet, patient Sienna.
My pulse, which is careening out of control, calms as I look at the woman in my lap.
And I get the feeling I need her like I’ve never needed anyone before in my life.
Her eyes start to twinkle in that happy Sienna way that I love. Her arms wrap around my neck.
As I stare at this beautiful woman, I’m reminded of all the shit Winston put her through, which makes me doubt myself.
I clear my throat. “Listen, if you think we’re going too fast, if you’re not ready because you’re just getting out of another relationship, I understand. I’m not gonna pressure you to do something you’re not ready for or don’t want.”
Her hand cups my face as her smile grows. “Oh, I want you.”
I laugh, loving how direct she is. Loving the fact that she doesn’t play games. “You sure?” I drag my mouth across hers and nibble on her bottom lip. She tastes like that minty lip gloss she’s always wearing. “I’m not too much to handle?”
“You’re definitely a lot to handle.” Her eyebrow lifts mischievously. “But I think I’m up to the challenge.”
We make out on the couch until I’m ready to rip off her clothes.
Of course, that’s when the peanut wakes up.
“Cockblocked by my kid,” I groan.
Sienna laughs and plants one last kiss on my lips. “Fortunately, I don’t think it’s a permanent condition.” With a playful wink, she waltzes away, an extra swish to her hips that makes me grin.
What started as a shitty day has turned around, and that has everything to do with Sienna.
Now I just need to figure out how to get Janelle to chill out and accept the fact that I’m dating another woman.
For real.
25
SIENNA
The pounding of hooves fills my ears as Ben and I canter along the last stretch of the trail where it opens up back to the stables. Our guide suggested not letting the horses gallop since this is Lily’s first time on a horse, but she’s taken to it like a minnow to water.
The guide at this ranch has been great, taking time to introduce Lily to the horse and giving us a beginner’s lesson on riding and safety, which I know Ben appreciated.
I feel terrible for thinking this, but I’m glad we don’t run into Janelle. I told Ben which ranch our roommates went to this afternoon, and I suspect he deliberately chose a different one. Thank God.
Lily’s gleeful laugh makes me grin, and I slow down just enough to take a few photos on my phone. She’s sitting in front of Ben on the saddle with his giant arm wrapped around her. But she’s also wearing a small vest that straps onto her dad for extra security.
I’ve been trying to take pics this whole trip. Ben missed so many moments with his daughter as she was growing up, and I want to show him that he can make up for those times by being in the moment.
Being outside like this feels so good, and after that session I had with the guys this morning, I’m dying to get back to my yoga classes in Charming. I’m realizing how my head injury, compliments of Cal’s orgy, kept me from doing something I love, which I think made me a little depressed. But I’m ready to get my mojo back.
Since I got into yoga, I’ve never gone this long without it.
This break has been good for me, though. It’s given me perspective.
I’m never going to be the genius my father wants me to be, but I am good at yoga. Why not embrace that and lean into my strengths? He can’t mold me into a computer coder any more than I can snap my fingers and turn Janelle into a nice person. Why should I lament life because I can’t be something I’m not and never will be?
Besides, it’s not my style to mope.
When I get back to campus, I’ll march straight to my counselor’s office and make sure my courses are on track for my senior year. Then maybe my dad will consider funding my yoga initiative.
We’re sweaty and hot, but I’m reluctant to return to the cabin and Janelle’s drama. Ben must be feeling similarly because he asks if I want to stay for the campfire dinner the ranch throws for its visitors.
When we’re back on the ground, I jog over to Ben, who’s holding Lily up in the air and blowing raspberries on her tummy. After I snap a few pics, I join in.
“You did such a great job on the horse, Lily! Did you have fun?”
“I wanna horsie, Senna.”
Ben and I look at each other and then turn back to Lily. I tickle her. “Did you just say, ‘I want a horse, Sienna?’ Did you just say Sienna?”
She claps. “Senna.”
“Yeah, baby!” I give her a high-five. “Can you say ‘Daddy?’”
“Dada.” Bashful, she tucks her face into Ben’s neck and clings to him like a little monkey.
Aww.
The precious grin on her father’s face melts my heart. God, I want to bottle up this moment.
See, this is why I cry when I watch Hallmark movies.
Sniffling, I break out the map our guide gave us and figure out where the bonfire is.