Addison had paused right outside the store doors, her eyes darting between us. The three of us were frozen in a silent stand-off, with so much to say and nobody saying it.
“Addy, come on.” Elena griped from her car, jerking Addison’s attention away for a moment. When she glanced back, her expression flashed with hurt and anger before she turned fully away and ran for Elena’s car, climbing in and driving away.
I already knew when I looked back at Emery any tiny piece I had of her was gone, replaced with guilt and grief.
Regret.
My throat thick, I witnessed exactly what I feared. Misery covered Emery’s features, tears filling her eyes. She twisted back for the office, darting inside, needing to get away from me.
Marcie’s mouth pressed together in pity, her gaze soft with empathy before she retreated into the office after her friend, leaving me the only asshole still standing here.
Standing alone, feeling my chest had been cracked open, and my heart removed. Again.
Chapter 33
Emery
Dr. Ramirez sent me home after seeing me sobbing in the breakroom. His eyes were full of concern when he told me to rest and call if I needed anything, which merely added to my misery. He had asked me out a few days earlier, and again I had to tell him I only wanted to be friends. But he still seemed to be waiting. Waiting for me to suddenly wake up and see him as more. To find myself falling in love with him.
Even without Mason, Daniel and I were never going to happen. Daniel deserved far better than me. He needed someone who got butterflies every time he walked into the room. Who couldn’t wait to see him, who wanted to be with no one else but him.
Being home alone, stalking Addison’s social media, and seeing her getting ready with her friends for the dance only sunk me further in despair.
What a mess I had made. Addison hated me, Harper was mad at me, and I could barely look at myself. What really cut me was the one person I wanted to talk to about all this had walked away from me.
Seeing him today pulverized my façade and fake smile like a tornado. Every emotion I had pushed back, focusing on getting through the last two weeks, cracked. My heart leaped up my throat. The need to go to him, to burrow in his arms, was painful. It should be easier now. I shouldn’t feel like the whole world stopped and started because I saw him.
On my third glass of wine, my will was weak, and my heart was heavy, scrolling through Addison’s newly posted pictures. She appeared to be having fun at the dance. I kept going further back into her posts, knowing secretly what I was looking for. My heart still stopped when I landed on the few shots she had of Mason. Almost all were taken here in our backyard. Stopping on the first one she had of him, I sucked in, remembering the night clearly. The first night he came over after the game. It was odd to think shortly after this picture, he had come into the kitchen purposely to see me, bringing dirty dishes to the sink. How that night started it all.
He affected me from the moment I met him, but if I knew then what was ahead, would I have changed it? Stopped it?
A sound worked up from my throat, curling me deeper into the sofa, bringing more desolation because I knew I wouldn’t. The thought of never being with him caused panic to simmer under my skin, an anxiety in me that had me flinching in agony.
I wanted to call him. To walk down the street or open my door and have him on my stoop.
It was well after midnight, but my fingers punched a number into my phone. The darkness I lived in for so long was nipping at my heels, wanting to pull me back down in it.
“Hello?”
“Harper…” My voice cracked, holding back my tears.
My sister stayed silent for a moment. I could feel her anger at me. I had called her when Addison left, knowing she needed to know. I broke down and told my sister everything, which ended in another pummeling of my character. I deserved it, but it didn’t seem to change my feelings on the matter.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered hoarsely. “I know you hate me too. I just—” Feel lost. Have nothing keeping me afloat. Miss my family.
“I don’t hate you, Emery.” Harper sighed. “Disappointed? Yes. Protective of my baby girl because she’s hurting? One hundred percent. Mad at you? A little. Did I want to drive up there and bring her home? Absolutely.” Addison begged her not to. Harper realized she was too close to graduating and really happy and settled here with her friends to make her leave now. “But I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
Pressing the phone to my ear, I dropped my head to my knees, choking back a sob.
“I hate myself.”
“Em.” Harper let out another long exhale. “I don’t condone what you did. My head still can’t wrap around it, but you are both technically adults.” The jab hit its target. It took everything I had to not defend him, telling her how much older he was compared to his actual age. “I hate you lied to both of us, but then Kevin reminded me I had kept our relationship secret for a long time because I didn’t want to hurt you. He made me see it more from your point of view.
“You’ve been through a lot. And I was scared you might never move on from grieving Ben. I really wish it wasn’t the same boy my daughter was crushing on who helped you get past your grief. Though, seeing you at Christmas, I noticed a huge change. You glowed… I thought it might be Daniel. Or maybe I hoped.”
“I wish it wasn’t Mason either—” The sentiment stuck in my throat because deep down, I didn’t actually wish that. I hated the thought of it not being him, not kissing him, seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, feeling him inside me. It was why the guilt kept circling around in an endless loop.
“I’m not blind or dead. Addison showed me pictures of him. He’s exceptionally good-looking. I could totally see the attraction. I could tell he was way too old for her just by looking at him,” Harper declared. “I mean, if you had met him randomly, no connection to Addison, I could see using him for a bit of an ego boost.”
“It’s not that way,” I gritted. “I didn’t ruin my relationship with my niece for an ego boost. And I’d never use him. Jesus, what he has gone through in his life. What he’s lost and fought for. He’s older than any of the men I’ve met who are double his age.”
Harper was silent, causing my stomach to clench.
“Oh my god…” she breathed.
“What?”
“I can’t believe this.” She laughed dryly. “You’re in love with him.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Holy shit.” She ignored me. “Of course, it’s so obvious now.”
“I’m not!” My defenses rose like porcupine quills, hating both her and Marcie for accusing me of this. “I like him. He’s an amazing guy. We have fun together.” Fuck, did we. “But I don’t love him.” I could hear the pitch in my voice peak.
“Em, you’re right. You wouldn’t hurt Addison for something that didn’t mean anything. No matter how hot the guy was, you wouldn’t have done anything if it was purely physical attraction. I know you.”
Nothing came out of my mouth. No response, no counter to her argument.
“Addison is everything to you,” she stated. “You would never hurt her just to get laid.”