“You think I planned this?” His arms went out wide, his emotion matching mine. “I somehow got you to move down the street so I could seduce the widow? What the fuck, Emery?” he bellowed. “If anything, I should ask you that. Maybe it was you tracking me down. Screwing me to get close to him again?”
“Fuck you!” I shoved at his chest, and for one second, I felt his heartbeat against my palm. The heart which was out to break me again. I tore my hands away with a cry.
“All I knew was his last name was Roberts. Nothing else. I didn’t want to know anything more. I left it up to them if they wanted to meet me or not. I thought it was done until they contacted me a few months ago.” He moved up to me, anger locking up his muscles. “I knew nothing about you. You introduced yourself as Campbell. How the fuck would I have known?”
“Get out, Mason.” I felt vomit pooling at the back of my throat. “I can’t do this.”
“Tough!” His feet stumbled me back into the wall. “You don’t always have the final say. You don’t think this is freaking me out too? That I don’t feel terrified and gutted?” he roared.
“Hey!” Addison yelled, trying to get in between us, but neither of us paid her any attention.
“That everything I thought I felt, what you felt, was real? The only thing you might even care about me is this organ in my chest? As if you two found each other again, like some sick romance story, and I’m actually inconsequential and don’t fucking matter.” He slammed his hand against his heart. “All you were drawn to was him.”
“What are you talking about?” Addison stepped back, her eyes popping wide between us. “What is he talking about?” She looked at me, piecing together the agony on my face with what he had just said. “No, no way.” She gaped at Mason’s chest. “That’s not true, right?” She pleaded with me, but I could not save her from the pain I was already sinking in. “You’re the one who got my Uncle Ben’s heart?”
Hearing her say it out loud, my legs bowed, his nearness ripping me into shreds. “Go…” I begged, sobs hiccupping in my throat.
“No,” he snapped.
“Mason, go!” Addison yanked on his arm, moving him away from me.
“No!” He tried to move back for me, my body folding over itself, the misery no longer staying in.
“Can’t you see you’re making it worse?” She wiggled in between us, pushing him back. “Please, Mason.”
Agony carved over his face, a noise of grief coming up his throat. “Emery…”
“Leave!” Addy demanded. “You are hurting her more.”
His lids shut briefly, his shoulders sagging, grief breaking him. A noise came up his throat, sounding like utter agony. He turned and left the house, slamming the door with a crash.
I buckled to the floor, wails curling me over.
Addison’s arms came around me, holding me tight as my life came apart again, reminding me…
This was how a heart breaks.
Chapter 35
Emery
Once again, I lived in suspended time, where nothing made sense, and time held no meaning to me. Even when the sunbeams reached my room, all I felt was darkness. This almost felt worse than Ben’s death because I was not only reliving that, but I was in a fresh hell. Another level of grief and loss.
Day or night, it was the same to me. I barely noticed when my sister showed up, trying to get me to eat or talk. I knew Addison must have called her, probably scared and confused herself, which made it all so much worse because I couldn’t comfort her. Even during my dark times after Ben’s death, I was there for my niece, knowing how much she hurt too.
This time, something felt broken. Whatever core belief I had once in myself was gone.
I questioned every moment I was with Mason. Did I subconsciously know? Was it why I was drawn to him? Was anything I felt real? Or was it this cruel cosmic joke?
Every time Mason was deep inside me, his heart pounding wildly against mine… it was my husband’s heart. It seemed like I was sharing the bed with my husband and my lover at the same time. My mind couldn’t accept it. Couldn’t face this new level of guilt, finding myself apologizing to Ben as if I should be punished for moving on.
For moving on with Mason.
“Brought you some dinner.” Harper came into my room again, a tray in her hands.
I didn’t move.
A heavy sigh came from her, and she sat the tray on my nightstand. “You need to eat something.” I felt the weight of her body press down on my mattress. “Emery, I know this is a lot to deal with, but you’re going to get through it.”
It felt just the opposite, grief blinding me to anything beyond pain, where simple things like breathing was a burden.
“Both work and the shelter called. I told them you were really sick.”
Silence was her only response.
She blew out again. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through. What you must be feeling.” She rubbed my shoulder. “I know this must bring back so much pain and guilt. As though you didn’t have enough of it already. But maybe you are looking at this all wrong.” Harper paused. “Maybe this isn’t some sort of punishment. What if this was Ben’s way of leading you to happiness? To your future?”
I squeezed my eyes together tightly.
“You can pretend all you want,” Harper stated gently. “But you love him.”
My lids squeezed firmer, fighting back the emotion that stirred up.
“And it terrifies you. It would be to anyone who’s lost someone before. Deep down, you’re petrified of going through all the pain again.”
Because I would. Mason might have years ahead, but it was still limited. I would go in knowing I’d lose him down the road. Lose Ben and Mason at once.
“Mason might have Ben’s heart, but he’s not Ben. So don’t let the memory of one take away your future with the other. Maybe coming here was for a reason. Maybe against all odds, Mason is the reason. He’s not meant to break you, but to heal you.” Her hand squeezed my arm. “I had never seen you so happy. You glowed, Emery. So, fuck what everyone thinks, including me, and especially Alisa and John. They don’t get a say in your life anymore. And I want to believe Ben would want you to be happy, not hating yourself for living your life.”
She dropped her hand away, and a long silence grew between us. “Just think about it. If it wasn’t Alisa and John who got out of the car, just another couple, would you be with him right now, even knowing you had a limited time with him? Because that’s your answer. That is where your heart lies.” The bed creaked as she rose up. “Next time, I come in with a bucket of water and soap. Time for some tough love.” She closed the door behind her, leaving me with my thoughts.
I knew where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for John and Alisa showing up. I knew what my heart wanted, which didn’t change the facts.
Now, I feared any time I saw Mason, all I would see was Ben.
Chapter 36
Mason
Could you detest your own heartbeat?
The very thing keeping me alive, I wanted to rip out of my chest just so I could breathe again. To stop feeling every thump like it was mocking me. It was his life I was living, not my own, as if I were a backseat driver. I both hated and was indebted to a man who gave me life, but then took it away anyway.