Why Phillis as your email address, you ask?
It seemed like a good undercover-slash-username. Not that this isn’t secure or that you’re in danger. It just goes with the secret agent ambiance.
Did I tell you I’m not supposed to communicate with anyone until this mission is over?
—You’re the exception.
I’m lucky Nathan works with my current… I don’t know what to call him. Contractor? That doesn’t sound right. He doesn’t pay me. He’s not my boss. Asshole who needs a favor from me? That’s a long title and it might not be fitting. We’re helping each other and I’m not one hundred percent sure he’s an asshole.
Whatever this guy is, it doesn’t matter. At least I can speak to my brother. I’m heading out on a mission, but I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Seth
PS You could’ve given me a little love in your letter. Send good vibes and whatnot…
To: SI Brad
From: Phillis
Subject: Are you back?
I haven’t watched You Got Mail in years. It was one of Piper’s favorite movies. Have you spoken to her?
It’s a silly question, but I’m hopeful that, as you said, she is safe. No one has seen her.
You might wonder why it took me a week to write to you. It’s complicated. Though I’d rather not rehash the past few days, Dr. Warwick told me it’d be great to write my thoughts in a journal or write a letter to myself.
I chose to write this to you. I’d like to say I don’t know why I’m compelled to trust you with this. I do know why, but I won’t tell you today.
The first two days in the center weren’t what I expected. I had nightmares. Chilling, vivid, soul-eating dreams that had me screaming. I didn’t wake up anyone else because the rooms are soundproof. After that, I refused to leave my room. Even when I was bone tired, I refused to sleep.
Exhaustion held me down to the bed. It was worse than the couch. I was the kind of tired that doesn’t allow you to rest. This wasn’t the summer camp I attended at eleven in Vermont. No. The counselors aren’t planning a fun day. They wanted us to talk about those moments when I was ready to die, but they didn’t want to kill me.
They’re worse than the bitch at the hospital who threatened to send me to the psychiatric ward if I didn’t talk.
Did I tell you I couldn’t talk for a while?
My throat was sore after screaming for days, begging them to stop touching me and to just kill me. They refused to do it. They wanted you to see me broken before I died.
The counselor who came to my cabin told me she didn’t care where I wanted to see her as long as I’d talk. The first day I refused to do it, but the second I had to, or they’d give my space to someone else who wanted to receive help. She explained to me how important it is to cooperate. If I wanted a room where I could just wallow, I could book something in one of the resorts around the area.
I hated her, but I remembered everything I’d read before deciding to come. If I don’t work for it, nothing I try is going to work.
That’s what I did these past few days, talk and let myself bleed once more. The men weren’t here, but their hands, the knives, their… I could feel everything. They were ghosts dancing around me, reminding me of every excruciating second I spent in that cell.
But you know what kept me sane?
Talking to you. In my mind, we spoke. You’d tell me a story about your childhood like you did while we were in San Francisco. I wanted to go back there and relive those days.
In a way, your memories safeguarded me. They weren’t enough to save me from remembering, but they were there.
There’s more, but I have to take a break. Typing with one hand is harder than I thought. Let me know if you’re okay.
TTYL,
Teddy
PS I wish you had used the love word before…
PS2 You never told me about the cows.
Chapter Twelve
To: Phillis
From: SI Brad
Subject: Cows and dreams…
I’m sorry about the night terrors. I wish I was there to hold you while you’re asleep.
Thank you for trusting me, it means a lot.
Cows…
The man I work with co-owns a ranch. I’ve yet to understand anything about it. One day I might get this guy to trust me.
It’s a working ranch with all kinds of farm animals, including cows. They have a sustainable garden and more. Since I don’t have much to do, I help them, mostly with the cows. We’re slowly becoming friends—the cows and me. The guy is a vault of secrets.
Do you have your phone?
I tried texting you, but you never respond. I want to think you’re busy and not avoiding me. It’s not like I’m going to call you or connect with the camera. Though, I’d love to see you. How’s your arm? Ready to get that cast off?
Anyway, I would love it if we could text soon. Preferably before tomorrow. (no pressure)
Love,
Seth
PS You’re right, I was a fool and should’ve told you how much you meant before life got so fucking complicated.
Teddy: What’s happening tomorrow?
Seth: I have a mission that’s going to keep me away from my email and phone for a few days.
Teddy: It sounds scary.
Seth: I’m used to them.
Teddy: I mean not being able to reach you.
Seth: I’ll be thinking of you, does that count?
Teddy: Are you able to do both things simultaneously?
Seth: Always.
Teddy: Why do you make it sound as if I’ve been a part of your thoughts since forever?
Seth: Because you were, are, and will be always and forever.
Teddy: Why do you tell me that now?
Seth: Because I lost a lot of time and what if I don’t see you again?
Teddy: You have to come back.
Seth: I promise that I will.
Seth: How are the night terrors?
Teddy: They continue. Some days are harder than others but I’m learning ways to deal with the aftermath when I wake up.
Teddy: What kind of nightmares do you have?
Seth: Before, it was mainly Archer and the thousands of ways I thought he could’ve died.
Teddy: Are they gone?
Seth: Those? Yeah.
Teddy: So you got over it.
Seth: I have new ones.
Teddy: Shouldn’t you be going to a therapist before heading on a mission?
Seth: I’m not working for my father.
Teddy: You’re cheating the system.
Seth: Once I’m back home I’ll visit the therapist.
Teddy: I still don’t understand why you have to help this man.
Seth: I already told you. He helped me rescue you.
Teddy: Couldn’t you have gone home and had your team do the same?
Seth: I can’t think about the ifs. When they approached me, I wanted to know who had you and where, and how they got to us so easily. I wasn’t sure if I would stay.
Teddy: What made you stick around?
Seth: I can’t tell you.
Teddy: What happened to not keeping secrets in our marriage?
Seth: We never agreed to that, but it sounds like a good compromise.
Teddy: Then tell me why you’re staying.
Seth: I will when it’s over. Promise. Have you been in contact with your brothers?
Teddy: And my parents too. They call me daily. I’m a little sad because I’ll probably miss the birth of Burke’s daughter.