Harrison was sitting beside me with his face turned up toward the bedroom ceiling.
“What?”
“I know why you ran out earlier,” I repeated. “When you were acting like there was some kind of emergency.”
“Oh. Right.” Harrison nodded. “Sorry. That was just—”
“I know that you’re leaving, Harrison,” I interrupted him. “So, if you were worried about me trying to turn this into a relationship, you don’t have to worry. I’m not delusional. I know this is just supposed to be a fun, little fling for the both of us.”
“No, it wasn’t that it was…” Harrison’s words trailed off before he let out a deep sigh. “Yeah. I’m sorry. It was that. It was exactly that.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at his admission. “Like I said, it’s okay. I should’ve known better than to start talking to you about wanting to buy a house and being ready for something more serious. I just wasn’t thinking about how you were going to take it. It must’ve seemed like I was trying to rope you into something long-term—”
“I wasn’t freaked out by you talking about the future, Morgan,” Harrison corrected. “I think it’s really cool that you’ve sort of got the next part of your life all figured out.” Harrison turned to look at me as he continued. “It’s just that I’ve never been too good at the whole ‘relationship’ thing. I don’t even know if I’m built for it. So, when people start talking about shit like that, I don’t know how to take it, especially if I think it involves me.”
“Sure, I get that,” I replied. “You did tell me that you were the King of Hookups, after all.”
“I didn’t call myself the King of Hookups.”
“It was implied.” I grinned. “Anyway, I can see how relationships can be terrifying, but I really do recommend trying one out for yourself, just so you can see what you’re missing. Besides, I don’t even know if you’re really living life if you’ve never had someone trample all over your heart.”
“Why would I want someone to trample all over my heart?”
I shrugged. “So, you can get to know yourself better. Seriously. I thought I knew who I was before Charles, but I had no idea. When you have to pick yourself up off the ground and put all the pieces back together? You get a pretty good view of yourself.”
“It sounds like you loved him a lot if he was able to shatter you into pieces like that in the first place.”
“Oh, I loved Charles more than anything. I loved that man more than I loved myself, which was a huge part of the problem,” I replied. “But I’m sure you know what that’s like. I mean, even if none of your relationships went anywhere, it doesn’t mean you’ve never been in love with anyone before.”
Harrison remained silent.
I struggled to keep the shock out of my tone. “Harrison… have you never been in love with anyone before?”
“No.”
“How?” I pressed.
“What do you mean how?” I sensed the defensiveness in Harrison’s response. “Sorry, Morgan, but not everyone just goes around falling in love with every journalist they see. How’d that work out for you again?”
Ouch.
I must’ve touched on a nerve. I was about to apologize to Harrison for obviously pissing him off when he quietly pressed a small kiss into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Harrison whispered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I turn into such an asshole when people ask me about that. I know it’s weird that I’ve never been in love before, but it’s just… never happened for me.”
“Maybe there’s something holding you back?” I suggested. “Some unrequited middle school crush that still haunts your dreams?”
Harrison chuckled. “Nope. Thankfully, I haven’t had a nightmare about middle school since sophomore year of college.”
“Child of divorce?”
“Wrong again.” Harrison grinned. “My parents have been married for nearly three decades.”
“Happily married?” I probed.
“Sometimes happy. Sometimes at each other’s throats.” Harrison sighed. “But I don’t know. I don’t think their rollercoaster of a marriage has anything to do with me.”
“You’d be surprised what stays with us,” I replied. “The things we associate together in our head, even though it doesn’t make any sense.”
“I just don’t think I’m the one in control here,” Harrison went on. “I think love is one of those things that just comes along or it doesn’t, and it’s not up to me to try and redirect it somewhere else if it ever does. I think that when I finally fall in love, it’s going to be completely and utterly against my will.”
“That’s what every girl wants to hear, Harrison,” I laughed. “They want to hear that the man of their dreams feels like his emotions are holding him hostage.”
“That’s all the heart is, anyway. A goddamn hostage negotiator.” Harrison looked back up at the ceiling. “And love is just two idiots trying to hear each other over all the sirens.”
Jeez. How romantic.
I squinted over at Harrison before I looked away from him again.
He was beautiful. He was always beautiful.
But judging from this short, yet revealing conversation, I knew that Harrison was never going to be boyfriend material. Honestly, it sounded like he was jaded about relationships, even though he’d never given one a fighting chance. And since I wasn’t interested in being Harrison’s first experience with a long-term anything, I decided that I needed to keep anything and everything I felt for Harrison tucked far away into a deep corner of my mind.
Because I couldn’t risk being attached to a man with such an unused heart. I’d already been there and done that, and I wasn’t going to put myself through a heartbreak like that ever again.
Not even if Harrison was waiting on the other side.
8
Harrison
“Am I gay?”
“Am I bi?”
“I usually like girls, but I like this one guy a lot”
“I like a guy more than I’ve ever liked any girl”
“Signs that I’m gay”
I was sitting in the middle of Kimmie’s couch with my laptop resting on my thighs. After how good things had felt last night with Morgan, I suddenly found myself with several questions, all surrounding my sexuality. It was something I’d never questioned before, but now it was like I couldn’t grasp onto an answer, even if I’d wanted to.
I was straight, wasn’t I?
Couldn’t I have just been a straight guy who sometimes dabbled in guy-on-guy sex?
According to the internet, the answer was a resounding no.
But I didn’t know how else to label myself. I didn’t feel bi, because Morgan was the only guy I’d ever been interested in. And when I compared the way Morgan turned me on, the way being near him felt like there was a fire roaring through my veins, I knew that it wasn’t anything like the way I’d felt when I was hooking up with girls.