I jerk my hand away from him. “I know what you’re thinking, Brendan.”
His eyebrows rise. “You do?”
“Yes. You’re thinking I need to forget about that stupid card. You’re just like everyone else.”
“Ava, I never said—”
I jerk away from him and walk out of the waiting room. I’m sick to death of it, anyway. Uncomfortable chairs. People coughing. Magazines from last year. I have no idea where I’m going, but I know I can’t stay with people who don’t take me seriously.
I have my cell phone. Gina or Brendan will call me if they find out anything about my father. I can no longer sit here. Sit like my feet are rooted to the ground. I need to do something.
If only I had my tarot deck with me. Brendan, Gina, and the rest of the free world may think it’s ridiculous, but it means something to me. It soothes me when I need soothing.
But that card…
The tower…
It did not soothe me.
And even now, when I’m trying to find a positive spin on everything happening, all I can see is that card, pulsing out at me, moving with my own heartbeat.
I walk. I have no idea where I’m going, and within a few minutes, I find myself in the main part of the hospital.
“May I help you?” a volunteer asks me.
I ignore her and keep walking.
When I come to the elevators, I read the list. Cardiac wing, gastrointestinal, mental health.
Mental health. I sigh. Am I going insane? Insane like my grandmother Daphne Steel?
None of the rest of the people in my family, all of whom are descended from her, show any signs of mental illness. But it has to surface somewhere, doesn’t it?
At this moment, I feel anything but mentally healthy.
I’m a woman who rejects her family’s money. I’m a woman who colors her hair pink. I’m a woman who believes in the wisdom and guidance of the tarot cards.
And I’m a woman who…
I’m a woman who’s doubting her sanity at this moment.
I pull out my cell phone and dial Aunt Melanie.
“Ava?” she gasps. “Do you have news?”
I back against the wall of the alcove where the elevators are, and I slide into a sitting position. “No, Aunt Mel. I don’t have any news. Not yet.”
“Well, he’s going to be fine. We just all have to keep believing that.”
“I’m trying, Aunt Mel. But I…”
“What is it, honey?”
“I’m frightened. I think I may be going…crazy.”
“Oh, honey. You’re not. You’re fine. Just worried about your father.”
“That’s not it. I just don’t seem to know myself anymore. No one will tell me anything. No one, not even my mother, and she’s deciphered those messages I received. I’m sure of it. But now? How can I ask her about any of that? I love my mother and my father so much. I can’t lose them. I just…feel like something horrible is coming, Aunt Melanie.”
“Ava…”
“What?”
“Pause a moment. I want you to take a few deep breaths. Breathe with me right now, okay?”
“Okay,” I choke out.
“Breathe in deeply through your nose. I want to hear you do it.”
I obey, sucking in as much air as I can through my nose.
“And out through your mouth,” Aunt Melanie says.
I obey again, letting my breath flow out of me.
“All right, Ava. Two more times. With me.”
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
“Now,” Aunt Melanie says. “Have you come down a bit?”
Have I? I don’t feel like I’m losing it. At least not as much. But my father… The secrets… All of it…
“Not really.”
“Actually, you have. I can hear it in your voice. Now listen to me. Right now, we need to focus on your father. Focus on him, and—”
“No one will tell me anything.”
“That’s because there’s nothing to tell you.”
Aunt Melanie thinks I’m talking about my father’s condition, and I am. But deep down, I mean everything else the family has been keeping from me.
“Ava, do you want his doctors focused on him? Or do you want them focused on you?”
I let out a sigh. “I’m not trying to be self-absorbed, Aunt Melanie.”
“I know that, dear. And I know you’re in a horribly difficult situation. We’re all worried about Ryan right now. Just know that he’s getting the best care possible, and when the doctors have something to say, they will come out and let you know.”
“I know that. It’s just all so frustrating.”
“I know it is, honey. Let’s just concentrate on your dad right now. None of the rest of this stuff matters at this moment.”
“I know.”
“And Ava,” she says, her tone loving but firm, “you’re mentally healthy. You just have a little anxiety right now. It’s perfectly normal given the circumstances. I don’t want you questioning your mental health.”
“But my grandmother.”
“Look at your aunt, at your uncles. They’re all fine. All their children are fine. No one inherited your grandmother’s mental illness.”
My heart has slowed down. A little. “All right. Thank you for saying that.”
“Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”
“Are you still at Uncle Talon’s?”
“Yes. All the guests have gone home, but the family is waiting here to hear about Ryan.”
“Is anyone coming to the hospital?”
“I just spoke to Ruby on her cell phone.”
“You spoke to my mom? And there’s no news about my dad?”
“Not yet, sweetheart. But she did tell us that she wants us to stay here in Snow Creek. At least until we know more.”
“All right. Just as well. There’s nothing any of us can do anyway.”
“You can pray. You can send positive thoughts. You can try to be optimistic, Ava. That’s the best thing you can do for your father and for yourself right now.”
Still, that tower card pulses in my mind.
“I’ll try, Aunt Melanie.”
“Do I need to pull a Yoda on you?”
I can’t help an eye roll. “Don’t tell me you’re a Star Wars geek too.”
“Of course not. I leave that to Brock and Dave. But Yoda did say something that is worthy of repeating. He said, ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’”
“Yeah? Well, he’s a Muppet.”
Aunt Melanie laughs. “True. But he’s a very wise Muppet.”
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t try to be optimistic. I should just be optimistic.”
“That’s what I’m saying, Ava. And you knew that the whole time, didn’t you?”
I sigh again. “I did.”
“All right. As I said, I promise you there’s nothing wrong with your mental health other than a little anxiety, which is totally understandable. Just remember, when you feel like you can’t handle things, those three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth will do a lot of good. If you need more than that, a brisk walk will help. We’re all in your corner, Ava. We’re all in your father’s corner.”