I hate this fucking tree. And I won’t look at it without her under it.
I toss the canister by the great oak tree and walk a few feet away to pick up the bottle of whiskey where I left it. Taking a swig, I reach into my pocket, slipping out a small matchbook. The strike rips over the abrasive back, sparking the light. I bring the match to the end of the cigarette I’ve been holding between my teeth. The sweet hit fills my lungs before I exhale the smoke and toss the burning match to the diesel-soaked tree.
“Fuck you!”
The fires combusts, heat spreading and lighting my eyes, as I step back and away. It spreads like a disease over the tree, coating it in orange, red, and silvery blue. The destructive light dances over itself, growing, compounding as it climbs and climbs, engulfing the entire tree as I step further and further away.
I take another drink of my constant companion today, watching as a branch cracks and falls to the ground. The smoke I exhale from my next drag drifts up, wafting up into the night air and mixing with the white cloud billowing from all my burned memories.
Good riddance.
I flick my cigarette to the ground and turn around, walking away, toward the top of the hill, but the closer I get, the clearer the picture gets. Fire horns sound off in the distance, as the tree cracks and bends from the destruction. My back is hot from the heat emanating off the fire, but my jaw’s tensed from the two figures that step away from the familiar car.
“You ready to stop being a fucking dick, now?” Kai calls out, crossing his arms over his chest. “Or are we dragging you back…again?”
Fuck these two.
I smirk, looking down at the whiskey, and toss it, then look back to them. “Are you here to stop me from getting to her? Because nothing will stop me from getting to what’s mine. You aren’t standing in my way.”
I don’t care what they say. How unreasonable they say I’m being. I will get to her tonight.
Liam steps out and cracks his neck. “You aren’t talking to her like this. She doesn’t need this shit from you. I think you’ve done enough today.”
I fucked up. I hurt her. And she won’t forgive me, I know it, but I’m not letting the sun come up without her knowing that I love her. That I lied about Laura and all the things I said we did. I need her to know. That will be enough. Only when she knows.
My arms spread wide as an invitation to fucking try and stop me.
“Then I guess the answer is no. I’m not ready to stop being a dick. Looks like you’re going to have to stop me.”
Donovan
AS SOON AS I WALK inside my home, I drop my bag at the door. It’s the middle of the afternoon, but I didn’t want to stick around school, so I left. My entire body feels exhausted, depleted. Grey took it all from me. I have nothing left. No more hate, no more anger. No more. All I feel is a void.
Footsteps come from around the corner by the pantry, and my eyes shift up, expecting to see Victor, but it’s my father who walks from the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. He stops suddenly, his eyes catching mine, and spills it over the top a bit, hot liquid hitting his thumb. “Damn it.” His brows furrow. “You surprised me. I didn’t think you’d be home until later this evening. Victor says you’re usually home by five.”
He keeps tabs? Or maybe Vic just reports back, like he does with the other household responsibilities. “The marble will be buffed at 7:00 a.m. today, the child is home at 5:00 p.m., and we’ll also need to stock more granola.”
I nod weakly. “Yes. I usually stick around to watch the crew team. My friends row—”
My friends. He hates me. I hate him. Not my friend.
My voice trails off as he raises his brows in an “Ah, I see,” expression, as I push off from where I’m leaning and head toward the stairs. I don’t expect him to care, so I’m not offended, more acclimated to his disinterest. God, I just want to sleep this day away. Maybe I’ll wake up and realize it was all a nightmare.
“Dinner tonight?” he questions casually as I pass him. Just a schedule check, not anticipation.
I give a thumbs-up and walk up the stairs, each step feeling heavier than the one before. Every thought in my head feels splintered, unable to connect, as I make my way down the hall with my arms wrapped tightly around my waist, picking at the new bracelet wrapped around my wrist. The tattered and worn gray bracelet.
The door clicks in my room behind me as I close it and walk to my bed, crawling on it, not bothering to remove my boots or my blazer. I pull the blanket back and tuck myself under, covering my face and hiding in darkness.
If I ever wondered if I loved Grey, now I know. You can’t have your heart broken unless it was theirs to begin with. And even in this moment, I wish he was here. Crawling under the covers and holding me, letting me cry and kissing away all the tears he’s caused. Because I love him so blindly that I would take him even in misery.
It only takes a moment before a heavy breath leaves me, bringing with it a guttural sob. One after the other, they exorcise from my body, shaking my chest, unleashing tears to stain my pillow.
I don’t know what time it is, but telling by the sun, it’s still late afternoon. My swollen eyes blink open wider to Vic standing at the side of my bed. Have I been sleeping all day? Doesn’t matter. My head feels heavy, and my body’s still tired. Vic sets a silver plate with a delicate blue Tiffany teacup and saucer down on my bedside table.
“Miss, I’ve brought you some tea.” He smiles kindly and holds up my phone. “And your cell. It’s been making quite a bit of noise the whole afternoon.”
I can barely acknowledge it, so I nod and swallow down the dryness in my throat. “Please turn it off. I don’t want to speak to anyone. And no visitors either.”
He frowns, looking down at me, then relaxes his expression.
“Consider it done. If I may…” He pauses before adding, “If Mr. McCallister doesn’t see what a prize you are, then it’s really his loss.”
I wish our only problem was that he didn’t want me.
“Thank you,” I answer, warmed by his kindness. My chin starts to tremble. “Will you please cancel dinner with my father for me?” I can’t handle that today. I need to catch my breath first.
“Already taken care of. He understands, miss. More than he lets on. I believe he was looking forward to dinner tonight.”
I want to ask what he means, but I’m done talking now. My eyes begin to sting with my unshed tears, overwhelmed by my emotions and with gratitude as he looks down at me.
“Can I get you anything else?”
He’s being so nice, so caring, and he doesn’t have to be. It makes the dam break again.
“Oh, miss, have I said something to upset you?”
I shake my head, wiping my eyes. “No. I just really needed someone to be nice to me, Vic. So, thank you.”
He pats my shoulder gently. “You make it very difficult to not be nice to you, Donovan. You’re more than you give yourself credit for.”
My hands cover my face as I cry into them, thankful for what he’s saying. Nobody loved me. Not really. Not until Liam, Grey, and I were thrown together when we were children. But it wasn’t until now that I realize I was never loved until Grey. And now, my chest will stay cracked open, unable to beat without him. I did this. I refused to choose him even though I always did.