“Fucking son of a bitch…” Oliver came through like a hurricane.
He punched me again. I couldn’t dodge that one, but afterwards I wrapped my hands around his back and pushed him against the wall. There was so much tension between us, it was hard for me to breathe.
I spoke through clenched teeth. “I haven’t defended myself yet, but I promise you, you try to hit me again and I’ll hit back. Believe me, Oliver, that’s not what I want, but you’re backing me into a corner. So I’m begging you; fucking listen to me.”
I let him go and walked a few steps back.
His shoulders wriggled and he snorted like an animal, walking from one side of the living room to the other. He punched the wall closest to me, then ran his hands through his hair before finally raising his head and looking up at me for once.
“How could you, Axel? How the fuck.…?”
“I don’t know. I just…”
“You don’t know? What the fuck kind of response is that? Do you realize what you’ve done?”
“It just happened.” I had a stone in my throat, and it kept growing and growing, choking me. “I didn’t want to, but…I need her.” It came out like that, thoughtless. The least appropriate thing I could say.
“You need her? Sure. What about her needs?”
I didn’t answer. I wasn’t capable of telling him she needed me; I wasn’t sure if it was true.
“That doesn’t matter, does it?”
I wanted to knock that sardonic smile off his face. “Yeah, it matters. It’s the only thing that matters to me.”
Oliver punched the wall again, and I saw the skin peel away from his knuckles. When he scowled at me again, a muscle tensed in his jaw. “Do you not see? She’s a girl! She’s nineteen!”
“No. I don’t see her that way. And she’s an adult.”
“An adult? Oh, well that makes it all okay, doesn’t it? Tell me one thing then, Axel. When did you stop seeing her as a little sister? How long have you been waiting for this to happen?”
I became furious. Now I was the one out of control. I ran over and slammed him against the front door, grabbing him by the neck. “Don’t you ever insinuate anything like that again.”
“What’s the matter? Truth hurts? You’ve fucking brainwashed her. You know what she said to me when I dragged her into the car? That she doesn’t want to go to college. That she wants to stay here with you. Really sweet, right? For her to spend all her life shut up in your goddamn hermit’s cabin. Brilliant, a promising future, right? The very reason I’ve spent an entire goddamn year busting my hump.”
“It’s not true. That’s not true.” It couldn’t be. I let him go.
“You would never have let this happen if you really loved her. Tell me one thing, Axel. Do you even know what it is to put other people before yourself? No, right? You don’t know what that is. You’re incapable of repressing your desires, because you always come first, and second, and third. It’s always about you.” He put a hand on his chest. “Before me. Before anyone.”
If I could just breathe… But I couldn’t, I couldn’t… “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how…”
Oliver’s eyes were glassy. Shit. I turned around, went to the kitchen, and grabbed the bottle of rum. When I came back, he was on the floor, breathing deep, trying to calm himself down. I sat by the other edge of the wall and drank. Silence embraced us. The strangest silence of my entire life, because really, it was full of noise. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I took another long sip before speaking, because my mouth was dry and the words were crushed together and wouldn’t come out.
“I’m sorry, Jesus, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I know I fucked up, I know I didn’t do right, but…I love her. I didn’t even know I could feel this way about someone. I don’t know how it happened or when; there wasn’t a precise moment. But it happened, and I would do anything for her.”
Oliver hid his head between his knees. It wasn’t a good sign. I took another sip even though I was nauseated and waited, waited, waited…
“Then don’t chain her to you.”
I held my breath and looked at him. “What does that mean?”
“It means this shouldn’t have happened, that she’s nineteen and she’s been through a fucked-up situation. She has to go to college and have fun and go out and live her life, the same as you and I did in our day. Don’t take that from her.”
I grew tense, hesitated… Hesitated because I had thought that same thing way too many times and it frustrated me that it was true. That she hadn’t had the chance to be with more guys before me, that her experience was so limited. I had chosen her after learning, trying, fucking, understanding many things. She had chosen me because I was all she knew. You’re my favorite person in the world, she had said. I asked myself how many people Leah had even known if she hadn’t even left Byron Bay.
I hated the idea that Oliver might be right. “I don’t know if I can do that,” I confessed.
He reached over, grabbed the bottle, and took a sip. “You can. And you owe it to me.” He rubbed his face from exhaustion. “I trusted you, Axel. I told you to take care of her, I told you she was all I had left, the thing that mattered most to me, and you…”
“I’m sorry.” The words came from my soul.
Oliver shook his head. His eyes gleamed. He took another sip. “You know what? The problem isn’t that you’ve got feelings for her. The problem is you didn’t stop it, that you did things the way you did them. You lied to me, you didn’t talk to me, you just threw away a life’s worth of friendship because you’re a fucking coward.”
He leaned against the wall and struggled to get up. I did the same, and we looked at each other in silence.
“How can I fix this?”
“You already know, Axel.” His voice sounded firm.
I wanted to vomit, but I nodded slowly. I stood there in the middle of the living room while Oliver turned toward the door. Before turning the knob, he looked at me over his shoulder. I saw a whole life together in that last look.
I held his stare, but I didn’t say a word.
And Oliver walked out of my house. Out of my life.
105
_________
Axel
“I can’t take any more, damn it.”
Oliver placed his hands on his knees and huffed, drained. We were at Cape Byron, and we had many stairs still to go before we reached the most isolated section. I turned and pulled on him, helping him stand up straight. It was hot and muggy, and Oliver’s eyes were still red and swollen three days after his parents’ funeral.
Leah was supposed to be there too, but keeping in mind the amount of tranquilizers she was on and her absolute refusal to come, my family had said they would do so instead. But Oliver said no, he didn’t want to share that moment with anybody else, it was his thing, and so I was the only one to accompany him. Because there were no secrets between us. We were more than brothers.