“Got it.”
“Are you okay, then?”
I think it was the first time I ever answered that kind of simple question sincerely. I was too used to just quickly saying yes and it was hard for me to find the words and get them out. “No, I’m not okay.”
“Shit, Axel, come here.”
He hugged me. I let him. And I felt it, felt that I had support, a friend, my older brother. I’d had to get down in the mud, all the way up to my neck, to see what was in front of me the whole time. I remembered what I told Leah when we went to Cape Byron about that graffiti I hadn’t managed to see for months. That feeling of missing a chapter of my own life shook me again.
108
_________
Leah
I’d be lying if i said it didn’t hurt. That falling out of love wasn’t hard. That I didn’t spend nights crying until I fell asleep, exhausted. That when something breaks, it doesn’t leave behind a bunch of tiny shards that can’t be put together again. That it wasn’t like feeling Axel’s hand reaching through my skin, grabbing my heart, and tearing it out. Lies. But ironically, the worst thing was losing him. Yeah. The most unbearable thing was knowing that the boy who had been by my side since the day I was born would no longer form part of my life. That I would never again feel that pull in my abdomen when I saw his mischievous smile. That he wouldn’t nudge me during family meals. That he would never see all that I wanted to paint. That there wouldn’t be any more birthday presents, and I wouldn’t hear his hoarse laugh when Oliver told one of those stupid jokes no one else ever got. That he wouldn’t be the love of my life, that unreachable boy who made me melt with one look.
Not anymore.
December
* * *
(SUMMER)
109
_________
Leah
I looked out the window at the landscape we were leaving behind while Oliver drove in silence, and I swallowed the tears when I realized I no longer had anywhere to return to. Byron Bay was no longer our home because there was little to go back to there. The Nguyens had promised they’d visit me at school, that all I had to do was pick up the phone if I needed anything, that it would all work out…but a part of me knew it wouldn’t. There are things that change, and then they’ll never be the same. Similar, maybe. Sure. But not the same. If only life was like a ball of modeling clay, moldable, malleable, something sorrow and disappointment left no marks on.
My brother parked in front of a furniture and décor store when we got to Brisbane, and he grabbed my hand. I trembled from his firm self-assurance.
“Come on, pixie, turn that frown upside down.”
Almost two months had passed since the beginning of November, when I saw Axel for the last time, but it felt like an eternity. I was still sore with my brother for not understanding me, but worse still, because he had been right about a lot of things. Too many. Things that are so ugly you don’t want to see them until somebody forces you to, because for me, Axel had always been perfect. Even with his defects, I had idealized him, put him on a pedestal. I’d looked up at him that way since I was a child, and in the last few days I had not stopped thinking about it, and how maybe not everything about him was clear and pristine, how he also had sharp angles and shadows. I couldn’t get out of my head that phrase he had whispered in my ear that night when he came home, lips red from kissing someone else: “You know what your problem is, Leah? You’re stuck on the surface. You look at a present, and all you see is the shiny wrapping paper, and you don’t think about how there might be something rotten inside.”
“You could help me a little,” Oliver said, peeking into the window of the passenger seat.
“Coming.” I got out of the car.
I grabbed my carry-on bag and he took the two big suitcases. The blue midday sky rested above the streets full of strangers. I couldn’t help but remember how in that same city, Axel had kissed me, truly kissed me, for the first time, without my asking, while we danced to “The Night We Met” before ending up in the bathroom of that bar discovering each other with our hands. I took a deep breath, looked up at the dorm buildings that would be my new home from now on, noticed the furniture store in front of us, and…I felt a need. Like a bolt of lightning.
“Can you…can you wait for me for a moment?”
“Now, Leah? I’m going up,” Oliver replied.
“Okay. I’ll be right there.”
I went inside and walked straight to the counter. I could have strolled through the aisles, which were full of precious furnishings, but I had just seen it in the window and I didn’t have eyes for anything else. I asked the woman who attended to me how much it cost and hesitated when I heard the number, but I followed my impulse, and a minute later, I walked into the building, striking my ribs against the front door. I muffled a groan of pain.
“Are you out of your mind?” My brother appeared.
“No, it’s just… I liked it. A lot.”
“Jesus, Leah. Give me that.”
Oliver grabbed it and carried it to the elevator. We traveled up one floor. A long narrow hallway full of blue doors greeted us. Mine was number 23. Just as I had seen in the photos before we decided to rent it, the room was small, with a bed, a desk, a closet, and a bathroom hardly big enough for two people to squeeze into. But I didn’t mind. I opened the little window to air it out and left my belongings on the wooden table.
“Where should I put this?” Oliver asked.
“There, just lean it against the wall.”
“Might I know why you’ve bought a mirror?” He placed it carefully so it wouldn’t fall, then shook off his hands.
“I don’t know. I just liked it. It’s pretty.”
And I want to see myself in it every morning.
Oliver knew I was keeping my real thoughts to myself, but he didn’t insist; he just helped me open my luggage and hang my clothes in the closet. We spent the afternoon together, and when he had to leave, I felt a hole inside myself that kept getting bigger and bigger. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid to stumble, fall, and not have anyone there to pick me back up. I was scared of what would happen when I was left alone with my thoughts, everything I would find when they got stirred up and I decided to confront what I felt, because I could feel my emotions pushing and pushing, trying to break out.
A month would go by before I started classes at the university, but Oliver had to go back to work and he thought it would be best for me to get used to the city and the people I would share my residence with.
He looked at me and opened his arms, and I jumped into them.
“Call me whenever you want, no matter the hour,” he said, and I nodded, pressing my face into his chest. “Eat right, Leah. Take care of yourself, okay? And remember that if you ever need me, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll grab the first flight out. You’ll see, this will be fine. It’s going to be good for you. Like starting from zero.” He pushed me away to be able to look at me and kissed me on the forehead. “I love you, pixie.”