“The house looks great,” she complimented him, and she knew he’d done a good job with the kids, and been attentive to their needs. He hadn’t kissed her hello, nor had she kissed him. They stood looking at each other like two strangers, or old acquaintances. Time had begun to separate them, they had been apart now for nearly six months. She felt like a new person after three months in Paris.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” he offered, which surprised her. He was treating her like a guest.
“No thanks. I’m fine.”
“So you’re a Cordon Bleu chef now. Congratulations!” She could see that he was uneasy, and she had no idea why he was hanging around. Maybe it upset him to leave their home now, but he had an apartment in New York, and she was back. He had to go. She had hoped he would have before she arrived.
“You must be happy not to have to deal with the commute anymore,” she commented, and unzipped her suitcase to take out a pair of jeans.
“I think I’ll miss it. It’s been nice being here with the kids, and coming home to them at night.” She knew he’d spent several nights in the city, but not many, according to the kids. There was always some reason why he had to come home. But she had no idea why he was lingering now. “Can we talk for a few minutes?” he asked. She was tired after the trip and didn’t want to, but she didn’t want to be rude after he’d helped her out for so long, and she looked up in surprise.
“Sure. Now?” He nodded, and they went to sit in her office.
“I think we need to talk,” he said as she sat down.
“What about? A problem with the kids?” She thought she was up-to-date on everything concerning them, and had talked to them every day, sometimes more than once, on FaceTime and Skype.
“They’re fine,” he reassured her. “I mean about us.”
“There’s no rush. I just got back.” She assumed he was going to tell her he wanted to file, but so did she. She had all her paperwork in order to serve him with the divorce, as soon as he gave her the name of his attorney. Maybe Olivia was pressuring him to do it quickly, although Eileen didn’t have that impression when she met her. “I contacted my lawyer a few weeks ago. We can get things done quickly now, if that’s what you want.”
“It isn’t.” He looked at her mournfully. He had been thinking about it since Olivia got back from Paris, which changed everything for him. “I’d like to try again, if you’re willing. I realized while I was here how much our marriage means to me. I lost my mind for a while, but I’m back again.”
“What about Olivia?”
“We ended it when she got back from Paris.” Eileen had the sudden feeling that “we” hadn’t ended it, she had. It was the sense she’d gotten from Olivia in Paris when they met, that it was over for her. So she’d been right.
“And why is that?”
“It was a fling, a wild moment for both of us. I want my family, Eileen, not a young girl. I don’t want to start over. I want us.” That was more likely the truth if he couldn’t have Olivia. In that case, he wanted to settle back in his comfortable old routine with her as his minion. Eileen was even more certain now that Olivia had dumped him, for whatever reason, maybe because of the handsome young man she’d been with, or because she didn’t like Paul’s situation and the mess he had created for all of them.
“I met her in Paris. She’s a beautiful girl.”
“She is, but so are you. We’re two halves of a whole, you and I. The kids need us together, and so do we.” Maybe he did, but she didn’t. She had won her freedom, and she wasn’t going to give it up for anyone, and least of all for him. She wasn’t feeling nostalgic about their marriage. She was over it, particularly after the last three months. She was looking forward, not back. She didn’t want to be put on the spot this soon, but he was giving her no other choice.
“I can’t do it, Paul. Too much has happened. It’s been too long.”
“It’s only a few months. We could go to counseling. I’d be willing to do that.”
“Maybe I could have done it six months or a year ago, and I’m not even sure we could have fixed it then. Maybe if you’d given her up. But I can’t do it now. I won’t.”
“I just gave her up.” He was lying and she knew it. She knew him too well. She couldn’t prove it, and it didn’t matter anymore whether he lied or told the truth. She had nothing left to give him. She had given it all for eighteen years.
“I don’t think you gave her up,” Eileen said in a quiet voice. “And it doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry for you if it didn’t work out. But I can’t, Paul. I just can’t. I’ve spent the last six months trying to build a new life for myself. I’m not willing to lose that. I finally have something to look forward to again. We should have gotten divorced years ago. We were both dead for years. I think it’s a blessing for both of us that it ended. Maybe Olivia did us a favor. Neither of us would have had the guts to get out of it otherwise. She came by and you went running after her. And that was the end of us. How can you want to go back to that? Now I’m alive again.” He could see that she was. But he wasn’t. He felt dead inside. Olivia had crushed the life out of him when she ended it, and he needed Eileen now. He needed the safe haven of their house and their kids, with her at his side.
“I must have bored you to death,” she said.
“No, you didn’t. I love you,” he said weakly.
“I love you too. You’re my family after all these years, but you never stopped resenting me because we had to get married, and punishing me for it. I can’t go back to that. It would kill me.”
“Please,” he said to her, and started to cry, which was mortifying for both of them. She didn’t want him to beg. She wasn’t going back to him, no matter what he said. They never should have gotten married or stayed married. And now they needed to end it cleanly with a divorce.
“I’m going to file the divorce this week. I think we both need closure now. You’re probably upset because of her. You’ll get over it. She’s too young anyway. Our kids must have scared her to death.” She was right, but he wouldn’t admit it to her. “You need something new in your life, not an old shoe like me. We’re not good for each other.”
“Yes, we are,” he insisted, still crying, like a child begging for what he couldn’t have. But he wasn’t a child, he was a man who had hurt her deeply, and she didn’t want him back. She couldn’t say it to him, but she didn’t love him anymore. She was sure of it, and had no doubts. “Will you think about it?”